HE'S BACK!!

Friday afternoon, approximately 12:17 pm my phone rang. I looked at the caller ID and immedietely knew who it was. His cell phone #. He is home! It has only been 3 short months and he is back already. I was surprised but at the same time I had been expecting it. The streets talk. And there were people telling me he was on his way home. I knew that the first thing he would do is call me, eventhough we hadn't corresponded since Nov. He wouldn't let me hear it from someone else that he was home. The conversation was real regular. You would have thought we had just talked the day before. He asked me was I alright. I told him yes, and I asked him the same. We chit-chatted for a few more minutes until he finally asked what he had been dying to know. He asked me why did I just cut him off just like that. I explained to him what he already knew but he just wanted to ignore. So we rehashed the whole situation that we were in and how he made a major decision without even talking to me first, so I decided that since he made that decision on his own he had to deal with the consequences on his own. He told me that he understands where I'm coming from. He also let me know in no uncertain terms he is not giving up the game. He said he couldn't give it up even if he wanted to. He told me he will get rich or die trying. Needless to say there is absolutely no future for us at all. He said he understands that. If that's how it is going to be then he is fine with that. He wanted to see me so we decided to meet up so we could really talk. It was good to see him I was happy we had a chance to talk face to face.It was closure for us. We got a lot of things off our chests. When he left I felt good. There was very little animosity.

The next day I told my dude I'm dealing with now about him being home. Now that is another problem. He was very upset over the news. Now he is starting to knit-pick at everything. If I don't call back or if he can not find me he assumes I am with him. I have been trying to convince him that he has nothing to worry about. The funny thing is the whole time when me and my man were having our heart-to-heart talk I was really thinking of this dude. He is always on my mind no matter what. If he would just chill out and play his position we will be ok.

I WAS ALMOST A GONER!

My car almost blew the f*ck up yesterday. I'm no where near even joking. I did the same stupid shit I did last time and left the gas cap off. The car was smoking and when I lifted up the hood the freakin' engine was on fire. I don't mean the engine was smoking I mean it was on fire. I had pulled into the parking lot of a daycare center. I was all frantic when I knocked on the door and asked the woman if we could get some water. She said they only had small cups of water so that wouldn't do me any good. Then I asked her to call 911. She did and while I was on the phone talking to the fire dept. she had a nerve to say I don't know why yall pulled in here with that mess. I was to in shock to say anything to her. Me and my sister was just trying to get the fire put out. She acted like we did the shit on purpose. I hate to say it but that's black people for you. Anyway the fire dept.and the cops had freakin' jokes. Once the fire was put out and the situation was under control it was pretty funny. The real funny part was that my cousin's boyfriend was driving by and we flagged him down. My sister asked him if he had any oil because the car really did need some. We call him E-bay. So the cop asked us why do we call him E-bay and we said just like on E-bay.com they have everything you need, that's how he is, because sure enough he went right in the trunk of his car and pulled out 2 quarts of oil. The cops was rollin'. Then I started it back up and believe it or not it was purring like a kitten so I drove the thing back home. My sister was extremely tramatized. My dad could not believe I drove it back home. I told him my car is like Robocop. He said the dam car is just possessed.

I swear I would leave his ass alone if he wasn't so dam fine and he didn't have such a good shot.

I went to pick him up from the bar. He was so tore the fuck up it didn't make no dam sense. He was standing outside like I instructed (good boy). I didn't feel like coming up in there. He thought we were headed to my place, but I already said I wasn't having that. So it was off to his place we went. His cell phone rang and of course it was some chick. Why must people try to lie when some things are so apparent? He made it very brief but I got the jist of it. He called her also because he didn't think I was coming. Probably because it took me 45 minutes to make a 10 min. drive But by then her curiosity was peaked and she wanted to know why he called in the first place. So of course she called back. I don't know what the hell he said to her. I was to busy jammin' to the radio. The quiet storm was off the hook. I was planning on dropping him off and going about my business. I just wanted to give him a ride because he was so tore up. But long story short he wasn't just letting me leave. It was cool because I really didn't mind getting it in first. Once again when we were done I was getting dressed to leave. He was pissed off. But honestly I'm trying to keep it real simple. We are both feelin' each other, BUT on the other hand neither one of us are really tryin' to get all serious. But I'm going to stop leaving in the middle of the night like that. What if he was doing that to me? I might feel some type of way.

GET OFF MY NERVES

I'll make this short...Tonight before I came to work I called you-know-who. He pissed me off so bad. He made a comment to me about my dog. He asked me how old was she when I got her and where did I get her from. I told him that she was a Valentine's day gift. He asked me did my ex get her for me and I said yes. Then he made a comment that I didn't like. He said I know you are waiting for him to get home. I was kind of stunned that he said that. I had never given him any indication that I was waiting for him. I never acted like I'm just dying for him to come home so I could jump right into his arms. Then I started reflecting back to previous conversations we have had about him. I never bring him up because I know better than to bring up an ex boyfriend to a potential current boyfriend. But some way he always seems to find a way to bring his name up and asks me all kinds of questions about him. Then I always have to stop the conversation and ask him why are we talking about him. He said he thinks the ex will come home and take me away from him.

Now this is what really gets to me....He still has chicks that he is dealing with, and I'm real cool with that. We have not made anything official. As a matter of fact my aunt hooked me up with some other guy that seen my picture and told her he wanted to meet me. So we are going out next weekend. But I'll get into that another time. Anyway this is my point...I do not ask him about anyone or anything that he is doing. I'm just going with the flow. We have tolde each other how we feel about each other but we are still chillin' and taking it slow. So now I feel like he is holding back on us because he is so worried about the other man. I don't like shit like that, because no matter what I'm not worried about no other chick. What makes it so bad is these chicks are right around the way and he can see them any time. My ex is locked up and I haven't heard a peep out of him for 2 months. So how can he be sweatin' that shit. I don not understand but it is corny.

That brings me to part of the reason why I'm playing this song. Maybe it's because her every word is what I feel for my ex. The more I keep coming across these corny dudes it makes me think about how much it seems like me and my man was made for each other. Aside from the bullshit he was into we were really on the same page with a lot of shit. It was nice to be with someone who understood you and that you understood also.

Busy, Busy, Busy

Saturday: The phone rang@ 8:55 am. My sister was on the other line telling me to get up and get ready for the funeral. I immedietly got up and took my daughter to her dad's house because I was to tired to take her on Friday night. I dropped her off came right back home and got ready for the funeral. It was cold and rainy as hell. I was @ my sister's house by 10:20 am. Then we were on our way. BTW..It was my aunt Michelle's funeral. She was my grandmother's sister, and hands down one of my favorite aunts. She was only 61 years old. Anyway the service was absolutely lovely. The pastor was preachin'. I hate to say this but he was also fine. :-). At the gravesite they released white doves and it was really beautiful. Then of course we came back to the church and ate. We stayed and talked to the family for quite a while then me and my sister knew we had to go because we had things to do. We went to the nail salon. I had to get my toes done because I did expect them to be in someone's mouth later that night. ;-). After that we went home to get ready for my cousin's b-day party. By the time I left to go to the party it was snowing and cold as hell. But I went anyway because I was expecting to see someone. The party was kind of nice especially when my baby got there. By the time he got there I was ready to go because I was already tipsy and I couldn't wait to see him about something in private ;-). Needless to say I went home with him. He really wanted to come to my house but I lied and told him my daughter was at home with 2 of her friends and they were staying the night. I just don't want him staying at my house yet. He doesn't even know where I live and I like it like that. So we went to his house and you can draw your own conclusion, and yes, my toes were in his mouth at the end of the night just like I anticipated.

Sunday: I left his house and got home about 1:00pm. No more than 3 minutes after I walked in my sister was knocking at my door. She wanted to know why I hadn't answered any of her phone calls. I told her I had just walked in the door. She told me she knew I was creepin' and she knew who it was with but she is just waiting for me to tell her. So I asked her what did she know and she told me who it was and honestly I felt better that she knew because I tell her just about everything. She was cool with it just like I thought she would be. Anyway once that was over I had to hurry up and get dressed to go pick out Bridesmaid dresses. That turned out to be an all day event . Do you know how hard it is to find 1 dress that 9 different women will agree on? The only thing that we accomplished was my cousin did pick out her wedding dress. I have to say it was the ugliest dress that was there. I'm not even playing. The best way to describe what it looked like on her....if you put a football player in a dress, any football player. That is what she looked like in it. It does not compliment her at all. We all felt the same way but she acted like that was the dress she had been dreaming about all her life so we didn't want to dash her dreams to bits. Once we got back from David's bridal we went to eat after that I was done because I was already still exhausted from the night before.

Monday: It was another brutal day of hunting for the perfect Bridesmaid dress. Me and my sister were determined that it was not going to be an all dam day event this time. I was still tired because I had such a busy couple of days not to mention I worked 5 nights in a row, 12 hour shifts. When I woke up that day my body was hurting. I think it was from being in the rain and snow all day on Sat. It was like I had cold in my body. But I still got up and did what I had to do. I had to cuss my cousin's fiance out. The whole bridal party was there and ready to go and she was in the kitchen at the last minute making him something to eat. I told him he could have made that shit his dam self. He seen all of us there ready to go. I was pissed because they were rushing me and it took every bit of energyI had to get the hell off the couch and get dressed. That's when I realized that my black ass will probably never have a dam husband and that is why she is getting married because I'm not catering to anyone. Anyway we did finally settle on a dress that did look good on everyone. I was very pleased because it was actually a dress that I picked out. So I'm happy about that. It didn't take to long and I was back home and on my couch before I knew it.

Tuesday: I didn't do a dam thing all day. That is until my baby called me. He wanted us to go do something, but what I wanted to do we didn't have to go out for. ;-). So I came over in my pj's. We chilled for a while then it was on. When we were done I told him I was leaving. He though I was joking. I told him that I got what I wanted and I was out. When he realized I was serious he was hot as fish grease. (borrowed that from a fellow blogger). But nonetheless I took my ass home and got in my own bed and took it down.

What type of IDIOT am I??

The other day my sister came to my house. When she got there she asked me where was our cousin Tracie (she lives right down the street from me). I said I didn't know so she told me that she just drove past her house and Tracie's fiance's ex-wife (stay with me) came to the door and peeked outside(her fiance lives next door to her). I told you to stay with me. So basically my cousin and her fiance live next door to each other. Anyway I immedietly called Tracie on her cell phone. She answered the phone all chipper and asked me if I wanted anything while she was out. I told her to just get home because her fiance had company. I told her who it was and she said she would be right there.

Meanwhile my sister was outside with our little cousin (Tracie's daughter) and they were putting anti-freeze in my sister's car. So I decided to check my oil and make sure I had enough in my car. Needless to say I did need oil and of course I keep some in the trunk of my car because my car is all jacked the hell up. So by this time Tracie is pulling up with all her step kids in the car(she had just picked them up from school). So she goes in the house and we were all standing outside just waiting to see if some drama was about to pop off. So after a few minutes my sister decided we should all go in the house and be nosy, and of course start talking about the wedding just to piss off the ex-wife. So I quickly close the hood of my car (I almost slammed my cordless phone under the hood because I'm too busy being nosy and not watching what I was doing) So we all bum-rush the spot and after a while I guess she gets the hint and she goes outside and sits on the step(eventhough I think she should have left,she really should not have been there in the first place since my cousin wasn't there).

Later on I was on my way to work and I noticed that my car was a little smokey, but no big deal. Then as the ride got longer and longer the smoke started getting thicker and thicker. So I finally get about a block from my job and I'm sitting at this long ass light. At this point the smoke is bellowing out from under the hood. Now I'm still sitting at this long ass light and I'm thinking OMG what did I leave under the hood! There has to be something sitting on top off the engine burning the hell up! While all this is going thru my mind you wouldn't be able to tell because I am sitting there just bopping my head to the music like nothing is going on(actually it was a commercial). I refused to look around at any of the other cars, because I didn't want to catch eye contact with anyone so that they could point to my car and roll down their window to tell me that my dam car looks like it is on fuckin' fire(I can see that for myself).

The light finally changes and I'm on my way into the parking lot of my job. I park and get out so I can look under the hood to see what the hell the problem is. I lifted my hood and can you guess what I did....I never put the oil cap back on. So therefore the oil had bubbled up and spilled all over the place. But the funny part is that the gas cap was still sitting right there. I think it was probably melted onto the engine. I was like WTF!!

When I got in the building people were asking me if I was ok because they seen my car smoking. One girl even said she seen me about to go under the hood and she thought something was going to blow up in my face. But she sure didn't come no where close to me. I guess she figured that if I was going to blow up I was going to blow up by my dam self.

I smelled like I was on fire by the time I got to work.......I called my sister and of course she was all over the floor laughing at me....That's just some of the airhead shit that I do....just wanted to share that with yall.

THE LETTER

By the time this letter reaches you I hope it finds you in the best of health both pysically and mentally.

I'v been thinking a lot about you. I wonder if you're alright, wonder if you are keepin' your head up. I often wonder how our birthdays would have been. We probably would have been in Disney World like we were planning. I wonder how our holidays would have been if you would have been home. It saddens me to know how much you are missing out on and how much more you will miss. It saddens me mainly because I miss you. Do you miss me too? I'm sure you do. What do you miss the most? Is it waking up to me in the morning? Is it going to bed with me at night? Is it the sex? Or just simply the closeness that we share. You know, our talks at night. Watching a movie together, sharing a laugh together or just laying there quiet not talking at all but speaking a thousand words that only we can understand.

You know what pisses me off?......I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to give up the love. I wasn't ready to sleep by myself and wake up by myself. I wasn't ready to let go off all the things we said we were going to do. We were starting to make such a breakthrough. We were growing and maturing together. It was visible to everyone that our bond was becoming stronger. We had been thru hell and we were finally finding our way back. But the streets was the only thing standing in our way. Now what!

Despite what has happened, despite where you are, I still love you with all my heart, mind, body and soul. You are my last thought at night and my very first thought in the morning. I still turn over in the middle of the night and whisper your name.........What am I supposed to do with all this love I have for you?


Love,

Trina

That is the letter I would write to him, but for those who know me, you know it will never happen. It shows weakness. I will never let that happen...not even for him.

THINGS CAN'T ALWAYS BE THE WAY YOU WANT THEM TO BE, BUT IT'S STILL ALL GOOD.

I just need to vent a little bit right now.

I tried to get a new car yesterday. NOT!! that wasn't happening they was talkin' some crazy shit and I didn't want to hear it. I usually do stuff like that with my daddy but he could make it so my brother went with me. But we had my dad on the phone. It was like a three way conference meeting. My daddy was like hang up the phone and walk the hell outta there. But you know car salesman, they were still trying as I was getting in my car and pulling off. So now I guess I just have to get my car fixed. The transmission is slipping and you know that is going to cost a grip. But I really like my car. It seems like it just fits me perfectly. My brother told me that if I get it patched up and I hold out for 6 more months he will send me no less that $4,000 as down payment for a new car. If he does that I'm going to get a truck. I want an f-150. Don't ask me why, because everyone asks me that. I just really want one. You know the 4 door one with the short bed. Almost everyone in my family has some sort of truck. So I feel like I should have one too. I know I have some nerve, right. Believe it or not I'm not stressed at all. I know I will have a new car or mine will get fixed and I will still be driving. My daddy would let me be transportationless. Eventhough I know he is sick of me and my car problems.

Other than that little problem going on right now I'm very optimistic about the new year. I actually sat back last night and reflected on last year. If I would have started blogging way back then I would have had 2 new stories for yall everyday. Because my relationship with my man was that freakin' crazy. I was thinking about how calm things have been since he is away. No argueing, no fighting, no putting him out all the time, or him getting mad and leaving only to turn right back around and be back before 24 hours was up. No more car chases.(refer back to love is crazy) I don't have to worry about any of that. My days have just been easy breezy.... I had to actually stop typing and think about that ...easy, breezy.

Anyway earlier I mentioned my brother... he is hear on leave from the military because when he goes back he is going to Iraq for 1 year. People who know me they know I have such a problem with that because he was there already for a year and a half. He has only been home for a year. The bad part about the first time was him and his wife were both there. They are both in the military, and they have 2 kids. When my brother called the whole family to tell us he was going back he was to calm and I knew it was something funny about it. Well come to find out he volunteered (didI spell that right). Anyway when I got off the phone with him I immedietly called my daddy so I could try to console him because he hates the idea of him being there and when my brother came back home the first time I could see the sheer look of relief on his face to know that his son made it home safely from such a deadly place. But my brother was obviously born for the millitary. He is a true soldier(not like these negros out here on the corner acting like cause they in the streets hustlin' they soldiers). Sorry about that I just had to put that in there. Anyway his wife is very upset about it. She said she was being uderstanding when he first informed her of his decision. Then when she was by herself she said she cried her eyes out. He said he is going because he will be training new soldiers and he has already been there and he knows what's going on and he hopes he will be able to save a few lives. So I will be praying for him as always.

Enough of that because I could break down crying just thinking about it... As far as what I told yall in the last post, I've been trying to keep my distance but he is telling me to stop worrying about what I think everyone else will say. He also told me to stop looking at him as the guy I grew up with and start looking at him as a guy I met on New Years Eve, because he has already stopped looking at me as the girl he grew up with. He is now looking at me as the new woman he met on New Year's Eve.....Personally I think the boy is crazy. The shit can not work. Period.

YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT THE NEW YEAR WILL BRING

This New year was so good it deserves an entry in my "diary". First of all I started the New Year off right. I went to church with my grandmom, daughter, sister and my niece. I even gave a testimony about how I was so thankful to have my whole family here for the new year. My grandmother is still here from Georgia, and my brother and his famliy are here from Alabama. So I was really happy about that. Any way after church that's when I got my party on. One of my cousin's was having a party and it was poppin'.

Me and some guy that I basically grew up with, we started flirting a little bit then it turned into a lot. The next thing I knew we was outside on the patio kissing. I have always been attracted to him, but we are like family. But all that family shit was right out the window. By the end of the night I had to take him home because his ride left him and he didn't have his car(how convenient,right) . He drove us to my aunt's house so we could drop her off. My daughter and my niece went with my aunt and we went to his house because they would not let me drive, because I was really feelin' it.

When I got there and got in bed I could not believe I was actually about to stay the night with him. We talked for a long time. Of course he was kickin' the line about how he has always been attracted to me and blah,blah,blah. I know he always has been but I never ever thought about us acting on anything. The funny part is that his brother developed a crush on me a long time ago. I had to kick the same line to him that we are like family and we could never pursue anything. But the difference between him and his brother is his brother is not a fine as he is. (haha). I was trying to rationalize why we couldn't do anything. But of course he wasn't trying to hear it. To make a long story short we did fall asleep but when we woke up it was on. Afterward he got up and made breakfast and I fell back asleep. I heard a voice come from the living room and it woke me up,and instantly I knew that it was his brother OMG!! I was not ready to face anyone. I didn't want anyone to see me there lookin' all comfortable like that. But nevertheless I came out of the bedroom anyway wearing a teeshirt of his and his slippers. I just stood in the kitchen watching him cook. When he turned around and seen me he said,"did you speak to your cousin?". I had to fall out laughing on that one because the night before he told me he was related to my sister, but he wasn't related to me. So I guess he was telling me that I was related to his brother but not to him. I thought that was real cute. After I ate I got myself together and was ready to go home. He asked me if this was going to be our last time together. I told him I would talk to him when he called me. He tried to give me his # also but I told him I didn't need it and I would talk to him when and if he called.

He called later on that night, but I wasn't home. I did call him back when I got in but he was half asleep. So he asked me to call when I woke up. I didn't call him back. To be real honest I don't want it to go any further. It was not anything that I ever expected to happen, but when it got to that point I was like "fuck it, I'm grown and I'm single." But I don't think you will be hearing about him in future blogs.

But that little event let me know that '06' will be full of surprises.