I Wonder

Last night I was having a moment. I cried my eyes out. I was thinking about my mother and whether or not she is pleased with how I have handled things since she has been gone. I wonder if she's looking down on me smiling or shaking her head in disappointment and disbelief. I think I did the best I could but I still wonder if she would have done the same thing or would she have done things differently. I know she is extremely proud of my little sister. She leaves in July for college. We always knew how smart she was. How much potential she has. But when my mom first passed, eventhough I obtained full custody of her she didn't live with me. She wanted to stay with my younger sister. My grandmother didn't think it was a bad idea either so I let her stay. But she still had curfew, and rules she had to follow. She definitely wasn't running wild. It was still like she had two parents because she had to check with me and my sister about everything. But I felt like I should have taken her with me from the beginning because I felt like it was a lot for my sister to now be responsible for a teenager and she was barely out of her teenage years. Part of me letting them stay together was selfish. I liked having my house to myself with just me and my daughter. I don't like change. I like things to stay the same. I like my house to be in order at all times. But now that she is there and I have gotten used to her I see that it's not that bad at all. She has a smart mouth but she is really a good kid. Responsible, intelligent, independent. She has always kept a job. Not because she had to but because she wanted to. I feel so bad for not wanting her to live with me at first. But you have to remember I was young. Only 26. It was hard to fathom the thought of taking on another child. I was a child myself when she passed. I still needed her. But I had to put myself in my little sister's shoes. How would I feel if I was only 12 and I lost my mother.



Then I wonder was my mom disappointed when I put my little brother out. He knew the rules in my house but that didn't stop him from bringing little floozies in my house and having sex. How could I let that go on. Especially when I have a teenage daughter that lives there. Eventhough he was grown he was not allowed to carry on like that in my house. Would my mom have let him stay in her house if she was still here? I wonder. My other brother offered to take him in. But he didn't want to go to Missouri and have to abide by his rules. So, oh well. But I wonder would he have turned out different if I did not let him go with his dad. I remember in court he said he needed to get his children because if he doesn't then his son will be in jail, and his daughter will be pregnant. But all he really cared about was keeping the social security money. My little sister said the day before she leaves for college she is going to knock on her dad's door and tell him she is about to leave and she is not pregnant. But he let my little brother drop out of school. He never cared about them. I should have never let him get a hold of my brother. I wonder if my mom is mad at me because he is not doing anything with himself.



I also feel bad because my graduation was the only one my mother made it to. When my brother graduated she was sick and in the hospital. The same day my day sister took her graduation pictures was the day my mom passed. So that meant there was three kids left that she never seen graduate. That sux. Well my little sister is the last of the mohicans. So now I feel like we are all pretty much grown now. We made it thru pretty good. People are always telling us that my mom has to be so proud of us, because we all stuck together and we are all doing good and yadda, yadda, yadda. For the most part I agree, but still I wonder.....