In my neck of the woods

I'm focused man. I am the mutha freakin' woman. I finally finished painting my living room and it looks pretty good. Especially for someone who has never actually painted before or done any real home improvements. At least not all by myself. I usually just come along at the end of the project and finish it up. But this time I was a big girl all by myself. I primed, spackeled, sanded and painted. I was not even playing around. The other day me and Carla (you might remeber her from other posts) went to pick out curtains. I spent a litle over $100.00 on curtains and curtain rods for 3 windows. I still have to buy curtains for 2 more windows in the dining room but I will wail until I finish painting that room. Then I got my step mother's carpet cleaner from my sister. This morning I was going to clean the carpets in the living room and all the upstairs carpets, but the cleaner was acting up. Now I love my sister to death but if she broke it I will definitely let her and my dad know that it was jacked up when I got it from my sister. I am not going to be responsible for a broken carpet cleaner.

Anyhoo...The other day I got a text from someone and it said "I've been thinking about you lately, how are you?" I didn't know the number so I text back "Who the hell is this and do you have the right #?" He text back and it was "D" .UUUGGGHHH Why won't he just loose my freakin number? He tried to cause to much drama between me and my man and I have no respect for him, because that was some real whack ass bitch shit he was doing. But he still texts me every now and again just to see if I'm going to give in and talk to him. Plus he is used to always still being able to call old flames and be able to check them out. I'm not like that. Once we are over and done I don't see a need to backtrack. You don't have to keep fuckin someone you was with just because you used to be with them. That's how some people are. I'm like once it's done it's done. I hardly miss the people I see every dam day so I really don't miss someone I don't talk to anymore. There was another ex-boyfriend of mine that called me out of the clear blue sky one day. He called my job and Diamonds called me at home to tell me he was looking for me. I called him and I have no idea why I did. But we did talk and the conversation was painless. I guess I was so surprised he called because the things I said to him the last time we talked were horrendous. (did Ipell that right?). Personally I would have never ever spoken to me again. But I guess people just don't hold grudges the way I do. They should. Anyway. I'm not a backtrack kinda chick. That is for people who don't have options. That is for people who are not cute enough to just pick up someone sexier than the one you just left or at least as sexy. LOOSERS

Other than that there isn't to much else going on in my neck of the woods. What' going on in your woods?

I Almost Feel Guilty

I'm not trying to take pleasure in his pain. Actually I wish the very best for him. But Lawd knows I just don't want to be bothered with him. I can't accept collect calls on my phone unless I agree to a pre-paid account through the Camden County phone service. Ain't that some shit. When he calls they give you the option to set up an account with them and you can either put $25.00 or $50.00 on your accont. When it runs out they let you know and you can always add more money. The first time he called of course added money on to the account so I could speak with him. I was also concerned because he did have a broken leg, and stitches in his face. The cops did rough him up. Of course I do not wish any ill will on him so I wanted to make sure he was ok. We talked for a few days until the money ran out then I added another $25.00 to the account. But I knew that was it for me. Usually when he gets locked up we never have a chance to talk to each other because I never take the collect call block off my phone. So why would I let this time be any different.

Since he has been gone I have been truely happy. I'm not even talking about since he has been locked up because he was already gone from my house 3 weeks before the incident happened. He had been trying everything he could think of for me to let him come back home. He even called me out the clear blue and said he talked to some contractors about doing some work on my house. Before all this happened he was supposed to get my basement recarpeted. That was what I asked for for my birthday. He even said he was going to have them paint the house. I needed the living room and dining room done. That was his way of getting back in my good graces. I was extremely tempted but I was very skeptical. I started thinking that I could get all that shit done myself. It might take me a little longer but I don't give a dam if the house was falling down around my ankles. As long as I can be there all by myself without him nothing else matters. I love waking up in my bed all by myself. I can sleep diagnal, parallel, upside down spread eagle or whatever. When I clean up my bedroom I know it will still be clean when I get home from work in the morning.

I don't have to hear his loud ass snoring. I don't have to smell his funky ass cigarettes. I don't have to argue over what bill needs to be paid. I don't have to cook for him (which I rarely did anyway). I don't have to worry about him in the streets all night. Not cheating but just in the lime light into the drugs. (I would probably feel better if he was cheating). Speaking of that, I don't have to pretend that I'm half way enjoying sex when I'm just not really into it. Hell, now that I think about it maybe he was cheating. I wish she would have came to get him a long time ago. Basically I don't have to see his face or hear his voice. I freakin' love it. I hate him being where he is but like I said I'm just happy I don't have to deal with him. I just wanted to be free. He's talking about he might get 5 with a 3. For those who don't know what that means. First of all be happy that you are not familiar with the legal lingo. That means you haven't had to deal with this mess. Anyway it means he will be sentenced to 5 years, but will be eligible for parole in 3 years. If he gets 3 years he already knows what the deal is. I do not do bids. Shyte in 3 years I could be married and pregnant. That second part will never happen. I doubt if the first one will happen but you never know.

On another note. I am finished painting my living room. WHOOPIE!! I'm so proud of myself. I even went out to the store and brought new curtains. They are so sexy. I can't wait to put them up. Then I'm going to start on my dining room. I can't wait to finish. But I'm taking my time to complete one room at a time. Everything will be done by Christmas. After I'm done painting and putting up curtains I'm going to clean the rugs and get the furniture cleaned. I can't wait. I'm just going to lay back and enjoy my house and my holidays without him.

Thanksgiving and the next day

Thanksgiving was great as usual. I feel sorry for people who are forced to eat only mediocrely good food. hahaha...Because my daddy must have put his draws in that food! Everything was so good. I also like how it wasn't overcrowded like it usually is. We have so much family that comes over but this year it was just the regulars. It was really nice. We cleaned up early and left kinda early. It was around 11:30pm but that is early for us. I had to get home to get a little rest for Black Friday shopping

I just got home and I must say I did good. I actually went out by myself. Usually I have a small enterage with me but this year everyone either had to work or had other things to do.But it was fine because I like shopping by myself. I got my 2 sisters out of the way. I'm not going to mention what I got just in case they read this. Then I went to the mall and started on my daughter. Most of the clothing stores had 50% off everything. I made out really good there. I am especially proud of myself because I did not spend any money on me. It was hard but I did it. It is especially hard because me and my daughter pretty much wear the same size.I wanted to buy two of everything I brought for her just in a different color. But I was able to restrain myself. Anyway I am on a quick intermission. I am now about to take my little sister to Wal-mart. I know it's late in the morning and we won't get the crazy sales that was going on, but nevertheless it is still Wal-mart and I'm sure we can find something to spend some money on.

My birthday

This past weekend was my birthday weekend and it was really nice. I was basically with my sister the whole time. On Friday we went out to have a few drinks. She was trying to get me drunk because I always get her drunk on her birthday. Her and her friends paid for everything. Then on Saturday, which was really my birthday, we hung out all day. We were at the mall shopping and eating. Then we went home and got ready for the club. The club was actually nice. Once again they paid for all of my drinks.

Why did some little young boy try to talk to me. While we were sitting there chit-chatting I was thinking to myself that he was kinda cute but he looks kinda young. Sure enough when he told me his age I was blown away. He was only 22. What the hell am I going to do with a 22 year old when my man is 29 and I won't date anyone any younger than that. I gave him my phone number anywway.

After the club I called Diamonds and her and her brother met me at our favorite diner. She brought me some perfume. Glow by J-lo. I loved the smell of it. After we were done eating she had the waitress come over with the rest of the crew and they sang happy birthday to me with a piece of cake with a candle in it. That was the icing on the cake for my birthday. I was very satisfied how the whole day went.

Sunday me and my sister was back out shopping again. Then we went to our dad's house. He cooked us shrimp and crab legs, while we watched movies on demand. Sometimes I love going to his house. Actaully I always love going there except for when he is always complaining about us not coming over enough :-) Anyway while I was there the young boy callled me. He asked what I was doing because he wanted to know if I was interested in bowling. I though that was really cute. I declined his invitation because I was so comfortable at my daddy's house just chillin'. I wasn't really ready to leave. Plus I was helping my dad get ready for Thanksgiving. I may have mentioned this before but November is my favorite month because of all the November birthdays and Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.

So anyway I am so happy and blessed to be here to see another year. I never make a big deal out of my birthday but those around me always make it special.

MY MEN

I love men. But then again what straight women doesn't. There is nothing like being in the company of a man that makes you feel som-kinda-way. It doesn't always have to be a sexual way. As a matter of fact that's not even what I'm really talking about right now. I work with a bunch of women, but the few men that I work with are precious. For the most part I am sure that the women I work with would agree, but they look at some of them and think, "oh he is cute". But I have gotten to know some of them on a more personal level. Trust me it's all strictly platonic, but I have developed a certain type of love for them all.

"D" for instance has become my adoprted little brother. OMG! I can not even explain how I love this boy. He is a young buck. I didn't like him at all when I first met him. Now we are like 2 peas in a pod. At first we had to deal with speculation that we were romatically interested in each other. Once we straightened that out, everyone could see how close we had become. We talk to each other about everything! He reminds me so much of my little brother and since I miss the hell out of him I found the next best thing to him. I even had to deal with my man acting stupid over our relationship, but as time went on he could also see how I only looked at him as a little brother and that's all.

There is another young boy In love to death, "N". We are inseparable when we are at work together. We are so totally opposite each other. We can sit and talk for hours about how much we don't have in common :-) I know that sounds crazy but it is the truth. We sit around drinking tea together, listening to music, talking about people and just basically acting a fool. He is real weird about people being in his space and in his business, but everyone knows that he has no problem with me being in his space and in his business. The really funny thing is he is a youth pastor. Everyone thinks that he is so holier than thou and he is not really fun. That is so far from the truth. He is not judgemental and he knows how to have fun, but they don't know that because they haven't gotten close to him the way I have. And like I said we could not be more different so to see us walking around together is to funny.

"K" and I are secretly in love with each other. At least that's what other people think, including "D". That's not true at all but we definitely have much love for each other. He told me I know to much about "the game" to be a female. I told him, game recognize game. All the women lust after "K", and they think that because I'm the one who knows the most about him that there is definitely something going on with us. He told me that I just understand him and he really likes that.

The funny thing is that all of these men are cute but I don't see that I just see them. But all of them have secret admirers. Some women get upset and want to know how did I get so cool with them. I have no clue, all I know is that I love all of them and they treat me with the utmost respect. That's all I care about.

There is one more person I have to acknowledge. That is "T". The reason I have mad love for him is because one night a bunch of us went out to a bar and I got drunk as hell. That's because people were buying me drinks left and right and Lawd knows I can not turn down a free drink. Undercover Lush...that's another post.....Anyway "T" took care of me. We stayed at one of his friends house. He told me to get some sleep and he would take me back to my car in the morning. We slept together all night long and not once did he try to molest me. And everyone who knows him knows that he is a freakin' dog. He tries to holla at every woman in the freakin' hospital. But the best part is that he made sure that people at the job didn't try to talk and start any rumors about us. When guys would ask him what happened between us he made it very very clear that nothing happened and he was just looking out for me. I appreciated that so much because the people at my job are extremely nosy, including me. Something like that could have easily turned into an ugly rumor.

Now that Carla doesn't work here anymore and Diamonds is persuing other things so she does not work there that much, the men are all I have. There are a few girl's I'm cool with but we know how it can be drama with women. So I just stick with my men. I love them and they love me.

I called myself taking a few days off work so I could paint. Yeah right! What was I thinking? Who was I foolin? My lazy ass put some primer on the walls and that is about it. And I only primed one of the rooms. But I'm supposed to be painting the living room and the dining room. So now the living room is all tore up and the dining room has the living room furniture in it. OH BOY!

Today is my daddy's birthday. We are going out to dinner. I can't wait. I love good food and good company. I have to work tonight but not until 11:00. I figure I will have enough time to get a nap after dinner and even if I don't it doesn't matter because I'm so used to being up all night anyway.

My man....excuse me....my ex-boyfriend's birthday is tomorrow. I mailed a card off to him. It's funny because last year he was in jail for his birthday and I remember mailing him out a card. It's kinda weird because how do you mail off a really funny happy birthday card to someone when you know they are having a horrible birthday because of where he is? That sux. He going was having a party for his birthday.

Anyway my birthday is next week and everyone at work keeps trying to figure out what day my birthday is on but I won't tell them because I'm not really into making a big deal out of it.

Anyway that's about all for now. I just wanted to babble a bit. I will keep you posted on what is going on with the painting project.

Have a good weekend !!

It's a shame it has to be this way

He is such a sad situation. I don't even get upset. I felt some type of way the first time it happened, but not since then and this is the third time. I was so happy I didn't put that first down payment on our trip to Disney World. That's where we was supposed to celebrate our birthday. He couldn't even make it. He got locked up 3 weeks before. But it didn't matter to me because my birthday was lovely. Went to the spa. Got a massage. Had lunch. Went to the club. Celebrated with my girls. We had a ball. It's a shame he was behind bars. He hasn't even been out for a whole year. I don't know what I'm going to do for my birthday this year but what I do know is I have my freedom. That's more than what I can say for him. Why does it always happen after I put him out. He has been gone for almost 3 weeks. I had not even been talking to him. We didn't even call each other and acknowledge our anniversay. It's been 5 years. That's crazy. This time it is gong to be prison time, not just the county jail. What a waste.

I don't care who don't like it but I already told him I'm not putting shit on hold for him. He already knew that when we first met. That is a very important conversation to have when you are dealing with someone in the streets. I informed him from the very beginning that if you go down I am not even trying to be your ride or die chick and do a bid with you. Why? Because all along I was against his lifestyle. I kept trying to get him to do better but he didn't want better. So I stopped trying to change him and his lifestyle. It was crazy because we co-habitated together but we kinda lead different lives. Because I disapproved of him wanting to live an illegal life, he knew that he better not come crying to me when the shit hit the fan. He called me real calm and told me he wanted to say goodbye because he was going to jail. I asked him what happened and he gave me the whole story. He was calling me from the police station. They were letting him make a few calls. They were actually cool about it. Then again that was the least they could do being as though they did break his leg. That was the only thing that did upset me a little. I never want to see him hurt. Not unless I did it :-)

So now he is in jail with a broken leg and a stitched up face. I talked to him today. He said something to me and I don't really know how I feel about it.....He said, "Babe, some dude I'm cool with is in here and he was on the phone with his girl and he was crying. When he got off the phone I pulled him to the side to talk to him. He was hurt over his girl screamin' on him. I told him that no body can be worst than my girl. She is so evil it blows my mind sometime. It takes a real strong man to really be with her because she is so strong and she don't take no shit at all. She never ever let me get away with anyhting. She is the only reason I can be facing prison and not be worried about it. I used to think I was a man before she came along, but I realize I was young and weak and I didn't know half of what I know now. Babe,you tore me down ripped me apart stepped on me crumbled me then you rebuilt me. You made me so strong. You remeber how I was a mess the first time I got locked up. I was on the phone crying to you and my family. But now I'm good. Before I was just doing the crime without thinking about the consequences of doing the time. Now I can also do the time along with the crime. I thank you so much for making me strong because everyone else was just going along with what I wanted and just letting me think I was the man, but you showed me a different reality and I thank you so much for that".

I was speachless for a second. Then joking around I said,"I was about to change my evil ways and try to be a little nicer, but since you are thanking me for it I guess I'll just keep on being a bitch". Then I said I wonder if my daughter will thank me one day since I'm so hard on her. He told me that she would definitely thank me one day. He said that she is going to be so strong minded and so focused on what she wants because of how I stay on her.

I think that made me feel good. So we hung up the phone on a good note. He knows not to expect anything from me and eventhough I know that by the time he gets home there will be no way of us ever being together again, I'm still going to pray for him every single day. I don't want to see anything happen to him, but I can no longer be with him.