It's a shame it has to be this way

He is such a sad situation. I don't even get upset. I felt some type of way the first time it happened, but not since then and this is the third time. I was so happy I didn't put that first down payment on our trip to Disney World. That's where we was supposed to celebrate our birthday. He couldn't even make it. He got locked up 3 weeks before. But it didn't matter to me because my birthday was lovely. Went to the spa. Got a massage. Had lunch. Went to the club. Celebrated with my girls. We had a ball. It's a shame he was behind bars. He hasn't even been out for a whole year. I don't know what I'm going to do for my birthday this year but what I do know is I have my freedom. That's more than what I can say for him. Why does it always happen after I put him out. He has been gone for almost 3 weeks. I had not even been talking to him. We didn't even call each other and acknowledge our anniversay. It's been 5 years. That's crazy. This time it is gong to be prison time, not just the county jail. What a waste.

I don't care who don't like it but I already told him I'm not putting shit on hold for him. He already knew that when we first met. That is a very important conversation to have when you are dealing with someone in the streets. I informed him from the very beginning that if you go down I am not even trying to be your ride or die chick and do a bid with you. Why? Because all along I was against his lifestyle. I kept trying to get him to do better but he didn't want better. So I stopped trying to change him and his lifestyle. It was crazy because we co-habitated together but we kinda lead different lives. Because I disapproved of him wanting to live an illegal life, he knew that he better not come crying to me when the shit hit the fan. He called me real calm and told me he wanted to say goodbye because he was going to jail. I asked him what happened and he gave me the whole story. He was calling me from the police station. They were letting him make a few calls. They were actually cool about it. Then again that was the least they could do being as though they did break his leg. That was the only thing that did upset me a little. I never want to see him hurt. Not unless I did it :-)

So now he is in jail with a broken leg and a stitched up face. I talked to him today. He said something to me and I don't really know how I feel about it.....He said, "Babe, some dude I'm cool with is in here and he was on the phone with his girl and he was crying. When he got off the phone I pulled him to the side to talk to him. He was hurt over his girl screamin' on him. I told him that no body can be worst than my girl. She is so evil it blows my mind sometime. It takes a real strong man to really be with her because she is so strong and she don't take no shit at all. She never ever let me get away with anyhting. She is the only reason I can be facing prison and not be worried about it. I used to think I was a man before she came along, but I realize I was young and weak and I didn't know half of what I know now. Babe,you tore me down ripped me apart stepped on me crumbled me then you rebuilt me. You made me so strong. You remeber how I was a mess the first time I got locked up. I was on the phone crying to you and my family. But now I'm good. Before I was just doing the crime without thinking about the consequences of doing the time. Now I can also do the time along with the crime. I thank you so much for making me strong because everyone else was just going along with what I wanted and just letting me think I was the man, but you showed me a different reality and I thank you so much for that".

I was speachless for a second. Then joking around I said,"I was about to change my evil ways and try to be a little nicer, but since you are thanking me for it I guess I'll just keep on being a bitch". Then I said I wonder if my daughter will thank me one day since I'm so hard on her. He told me that she would definitely thank me one day. He said that she is going to be so strong minded and so focused on what she wants because of how I stay on her.

I think that made me feel good. So we hung up the phone on a good note. He knows not to expect anything from me and eventhough I know that by the time he gets home there will be no way of us ever being together again, I'm still going to pray for him every single day. I don't want to see anything happen to him, but I can no longer be with him.