Check yourself first

It's a shame how people are so untrusting. They are so quick to see the negative in a situation, not the positive. they are so quick to try and rain on your parade. So quick to make negative comments, way before they have anything positive to say. I too, used to be one of those people.



The problem is either one of two things. 1) Either they are someone who have been constntly lied to at one time. Constantly decieved. Constantly hurt. So that makes them not trusting of anyone or anything. It makes them approach every siuation with much caution.

Or...2)They are the ones who have been constantly decieveing. Always misleading someone into believing their "version" of the truth. Always trying to run a scam on someone. So that makes them more aware of how sneaky people can be. This is the category I fall into.



These are the only reason's why I can think that everytime I say something good about "R" there is someone there with their nose turned up and looking at me like I'm crazy for believing that he is all he is cracked up to be. I'll tell you what is really funny to me. As a matter of fact it is down right hilarious....Some of these same people of whom I speak of are the same exact people who have, on more than one occasion have seeked advise from me regarding a problem they were experiencing in their own relationships. That's why I don't understand, if they thought I was wise enough to give them advise then why do they all of a sudden think I'm slippin and I'm about to be caught up in a mess.

Right now he is out of town. As soon as people found out he was going out of town there were comments about how much ass he would be getting while he was gone. I just laughed at that. I always tell him he better be on his best behavior but the truth is I don't really think I have to worry about that. I have only been acting up about him being out of town because I miss him so much that I don't know what to do with myself. I still talk to him everyday or we text each other throughout the day. I know he is missing me just like I'm missing him.

The point is I just can't believe how people are so quick to try and kick dirt on you and your happiness. But like I said, it just has to be because they have either been lied to so much or they have lied so much. But as I always say. WHATEVER!

IT'S OFFICIAL

we had our talk a few days ago and we are making it official. Let me tell you what happened...

Thursday I went down his house to do some laundry since I was having technical difficulties at my house. He had no problem with leaving the key under the mat for me . He even called me and told me he needed me down there early because he was having a fence delivered. Anyway while I was there I talked to him about staying all night and he told me to bring my daughter also. So when I picked my baby up I asked her if she wanted to come with me and she said yes. So we went to the supermarket to get everything we needed to make spaghetti. When we got down there he was already there. My daughter changed her clothes, did her homework then we started cooking. She really did most of the cooking. Me and my man was enjoying a drink while sitting on the couch watching some tv. Anyway when she was done we all sat down together and had dinner. Afterwards he cleaned up while me and my baby was chillin'. Afterwhile my daughter decided to call it a night and she went to bed. We had to get up early anyway so I could take her to school. So not to long after that we went to bed. Before we even got into anything I told him I wanted to talk to him. He knew it was coming and he was ready to talk. Instead of getting into word for word what was said I'll just give the jist of it...We decided that even though we care about the other people we were dealing with we want to be together. He has been dealing witht his chick a little longer than what I thought. He said in the last couple of months she has been wanting to get serious and be there all the time. So I explained to him that I want something serious. He said he knew that. So I asked him why is he willing to be serious with me and not with her. He explained to me that although he care about her and she is a really good person he just doesn't love her. He said that he does love me and he wants someone in his life and he wants that someone to be me (good answer!!)
He also asked me why all of a sudden I want to be so serious. I explained to him that once we talked about what happened in our realtionship and why we broke up it didn't seem like it was really a good reason. I also told him that since we started dating again everything seems so right. It feels so natural. And now I feel like I finally have a chance to act on what I feel for him because by the time I figured out I loved him the first time our realtionship was already ending. So I never got a achance to explore those feelings and apparantly they haven't gone away because we are right back where we started but it just seems so familiar and yet so different. We have a better open line of communication. I also pointed out the fact that my daughter was sleeping down the hall in the guest bedroom. I would not have her stay all night with me if I wasn't serious about our relationship. It's one thing to bring her to his house with me but for her to stay all night is something else. I even told him that the guy I'm dealing with is a sweetheart but I owe it to myself to see where we can take this. So once we got all that out of the way it was a done deal. We both knew we had to cut them loose because right now all we can focus on is each other.

The next day me and my daughter stayed with him again. It just feels like home being there. He wasn't home, but I noticed that he had my clothes folded in neat little piles and I loved it. So anyway me and my daughter got in his bed and watched tv until we fell asleep. By the time he got home she had already went into the other room and when I woke up he was walking in the door. I can't even explain how I felt waking up and seeing him standing across the room getting undressed. He slid into bed and gently pulled me close to him and kissed me on the back of my neck. He said, "Babe I called you and text you" I told him I had been sleeping. I asked him if he knew I was there. He said "No I didn't know you was hear but I was hoping you was". With that we just peacefully fell asleep.

I forgot to mention I had called the bouncer that night and I finally told him. I really wanted to tell him in person but I just didn't want to go thru the hassel of having him come all the way to my house just so I could tell him I was leaving him alone. He actually took it much better than I expected. He was real cool about it. I mentioned to him that it had been going on for 2 weeks but I knew I had to finally tell him because we promised we wouldn't play games with each other. I told him I didn't want to try to juggle both of them. He said he aprreciated that. He said that he has been thru a lot in the past and he will be fine even though he is disappointed. He thanked me for being honest, and told me that if I ever want to talk I can call him any time. And with that we hung up. I felt bad because I really did like him. He really was sweet as hell and we had a lot in common. I feel like I got him all into the idea of us and us moving to Va. in the future. But I never expected this to happen.

So anyway me and "R" are back together and stronger than ever and I am so looking forward to our life together.

BTW... I definitely have to give a shout out to all the mothers. Happy Mother's Day!

Maybe I need to give more details

Since I got such a strong response from my blog sistahs I wanted to reply to what everyone is saying about me and "R". First let me say that I aprreciate everyone's opinion on the situation. Everyone seemed to be quite concerned and that really made me feel the love :-).

Maybe I should have been a little more specific about my plans with "R". When I said I plan on moving in with him I meant in about another year. I'm not packed up and ready to go like right now. I'm just thinking long term. Eventually that is something I want to happen. That is after we officially get back together and we are going strong for a while. I didn't mean for you guys to think I was just about to give up everything right now and just move myself into his house. I'm not crazy. I am aware of how I do get bored with men.

Now as far as this other woman. I feel like everyone is being too critical. But I guess I do understand everyone's concern. Please keep in mind that I am still actively dealing with the bouncer. Also keep in mind that it has only been 2 weeks since me and "R" even started dating again. Note the word "dating" that's all we are doing. So therefore it is not unusual for him to have someone else around. He was up front with me from the very beginning. Just like he was honest with me the first time we was together. He hasn't given me any reason not to trust him. Once we have "the talk" about where our relationship is going then we will deal with us getting rid of the other people. We have already talked about the things we plan on doing over the summer. I already have full access to him and his house. It's like I never even left. I don't even know when or if he has found the time to be with her. As a matter of fact I will see him tomorrow and we are going to really have a heart to heart. Plus I need to figure out what's going on because when me and the bouncer started dating we promised each other that we wouldn't play any games. He can kinda sense something is going on but I keep assuring him that everything is cool. I don't like lieing to him like that. If this was back in the day when I just didn't give a fuck about anyone's feeling then I wouldn't feel bad. But I'm older and much more mature and I'm not into hurting people anymore. That shit just ain't cute. But the real reason is because I think the bouncer might be just a tad bit dangerous. He has stalker tendencies. And I can tell that he can definitely have a temper. He claims he is a reformed crazy, derainged, jealous person but I can still see traces of that person lurking around. "R" can definitely be a beast also. He is so calm and cool. But if he gets mad, it's all over. He told me he only has 2 gears. He goes from calm to the Hulk. There is no in between. So that's the reason he tries to let everything roll off his shoulders.

With those two types of men I don't need shit to come to a head.

But anyway I just wanted to clear up the reason why he still has someone around. But like I already said, she is not a threat to me. I know how he feels about me. Not only that I know that I kinda hurt him the first time. But like Luther said, Love will be there, better than ever, the second time around. Come on now don't act like you don't know what song I'm talking about :-)

When I get engaged I'll be sure to invite all my blog sistahs to the wedding. Keep looking out for your invitation.

Just going with the flow

Same shit different day.....

Having a problem with PSE&G. Them bastards always trying to cut off my electric. I know the bill stays high as hell but Dayyum!!! How they gonna do a sistah dirty like that? I'm trying to do the right thing by staying legal but let's face it, I do live in the city and I have access to some pretty resourceful people. I know you know what I mean. I got dude's # on speed dial for these type of situations. I try to walk a straight and narrow path but something's gotta give.

Whatever......

I have been spending as much time as possible with "R" (that sexy bastard). My daughter has been staying with her dad. I'm about to take her to "R's" house with me. She is skeptical about staying there with me because she feels like she doesn't want to be a bother. We both assured her she is more than welcome to stay there with us. I figure maybe we should all stay together and get comfortable since I plan on moving in with him. Seriously. I'm never going to let him go again. We can move into his place and he can come to my house and renovate everything and we can rent it out. That will be extra income for both of us. I think that's a great idea. What do you think? That way I can still always have a place to go if things don't work out with us. Don't get me wrong, I plan on making this really work. One thing about me is I might be impulsive about stupid shit like buying a pair of expensive ass shoes. Or taking a quick weekend trip. I might even be impulsive about jumpimg in the car with a total stanger and going somewhere with him. BUT I would not do some crazy shit on a wim that involves my daughter. I have been talking to my baby about the possibility of me and "R" getting really serious. She just shakes her head in disbelief. She doesn't really think I am willing to give up my "freedom" and move in with someone else. She thinks I want to be single forever. I will admit that was the original plan. But things change. The heart wants what the heart wants. And my heart wants his sexy ass! The funny thing is that my daughter is partially responsible for us getting together. I don't remember if I mentioned this before. But for those who do not know how me and "R" met. He was the athletic instructor at this program my daughter was in. The first time I seen him I was like, "Ummm. who is that?" I asked my daughter who he was. She told me who he was and I told her I wanted him. She just laughed at me. It was just me and her having typical "girl talk" She told me he didn't want me because he was happily married and he had grown kids. So anyway one day she went to him and told him that I liked him. He kinda took it from there. He had one of the women that he worked with, and actually she was real cool with me and my daughter, she invited me to his splash party. I didn't go but a few days later she gave me his #. I didn't call him for a while. But when I finally did call I was so happy I did. And the rest,as they say,is history!

So now what?......

Gotta get rid of whoever the heifer is he is dealing with now. Shouldn't be that hard. I got rid of his heifer the last time. Sh was a little ticked off but what can I say. I play for keeps. I wanted him so I had to have him. When he told me about her I was a little upset then I flat out told him I wasn't worried becasue he was going to be mine. I told him the exact same thing today. We both know where this is headed. Especially since we have been spending all our free time together. I'm not leaving any room for her to even see him. I already left my toothbrush there and tomorrow I will be going over there in the morning to wash clothes, while he is at work. I will leave some things there that I may need. So I won't have to keep packing when I go over there. I know it sounds like I'm being coniving and manipulative but actually he suggested that I have my own stuff there. He wants me to invade his space as much as I want to invade it.

ps. He told me he is going to install a pole in the bedroom so I can dance for him. Just so you know...I'm all with that. I will be sliding, shimmying and swinging all over that pole for him
(that was probably to much info. but I just felt the need to share that)

I just don't know.

I'm so sick in the head, but I don't now what to do about it. I admit I have a problem but I am unaware of how to fix it. Then I have people telling me there isn't anything wrong with me. They say this is just how I am and there isn't anything wrong with that. I don't know maybe I'm just trippin' right now.

I know I'm about to break it off with the bouncer. He's not officially my man but we definitely have something going on. Why am I about to break up with him you ask? Because I have convinced myself that I want to marry "R" I know that sounds kinda crazy. But listen, he has been keeping in contact with me and even though he is being subtle, he is letting me know that he is very interested in getting back together. Now, those who know me y'all know that I do not go back to ex's. But I'm making an exception here. Especially since it seems we may have ended our relationship under false pretenses. I still care about him a lot but don't get me wrong I'm not head over heals in love with him. If we stop speaking today or tomorrow I would be cool with that. But on the other hand I can see myself spending my life with him. Does that sound stupid, because as I'm typing it it sounds quite stupid to me. The thing is he is so easy going. For the most part he just kinda goes along with what I want. He lets me have my way without being a pushover. That's somone I can spend the rest of my life with. Plus I love all the things he has going for him. I just love the kind of man he is. However I do think about his first wife and why did she leave him. I think there must be something that I'm missing. It's no way she would just leave the way she did without having good reason. But then again just because it didn't work for them does not mean it can't work with us.

I decided that I was going to have a talk with him the next time I see him. I'm going to let him know that someone else is in the picture. I'm going to ask him if he plans on starting up where we left off. I want to know if he wants to lock this down or does he just want to chill. I think I already know what he wants but I need to confirm so that there are no misconceptions.

Meanwhile back at the ranch. Why do I feel the need to make the bouncer want me more and more? I got him open a little bit. I do know that if things ended with us we would both just keep it moving, but he really is trying to be with me long term. He always tells me he doesn't sweat the small shit because he has patience and he is not letting me go. So he knows I'm going to be his. He said there will come a time when he will be like my shadow, but he is just taking it slow. The bad part is I'm also getting myself in deeper and deeper with him.

I don't really know what to do. I wish one of them would just leave me alone so I won't have to make the decision. But knowing me if that happened I would be trying to get them back just so I could keep up the drama......I told y'all I'm sick in the head. I even started picking fights with the bouncer and trying to kinda push him away. But that's not working. The crazier I act the more he loves it. Go figure.

I''m going to end this right here because I'm pissing myself off just talking about it. I will still keep y'all posted.