I just don't know.

I'm so sick in the head, but I don't now what to do about it. I admit I have a problem but I am unaware of how to fix it. Then I have people telling me there isn't anything wrong with me. They say this is just how I am and there isn't anything wrong with that. I don't know maybe I'm just trippin' right now.

I know I'm about to break it off with the bouncer. He's not officially my man but we definitely have something going on. Why am I about to break up with him you ask? Because I have convinced myself that I want to marry "R" I know that sounds kinda crazy. But listen, he has been keeping in contact with me and even though he is being subtle, he is letting me know that he is very interested in getting back together. Now, those who know me y'all know that I do not go back to ex's. But I'm making an exception here. Especially since it seems we may have ended our relationship under false pretenses. I still care about him a lot but don't get me wrong I'm not head over heals in love with him. If we stop speaking today or tomorrow I would be cool with that. But on the other hand I can see myself spending my life with him. Does that sound stupid, because as I'm typing it it sounds quite stupid to me. The thing is he is so easy going. For the most part he just kinda goes along with what I want. He lets me have my way without being a pushover. That's somone I can spend the rest of my life with. Plus I love all the things he has going for him. I just love the kind of man he is. However I do think about his first wife and why did she leave him. I think there must be something that I'm missing. It's no way she would just leave the way she did without having good reason. But then again just because it didn't work for them does not mean it can't work with us.

I decided that I was going to have a talk with him the next time I see him. I'm going to let him know that someone else is in the picture. I'm going to ask him if he plans on starting up where we left off. I want to know if he wants to lock this down or does he just want to chill. I think I already know what he wants but I need to confirm so that there are no misconceptions.

Meanwhile back at the ranch. Why do I feel the need to make the bouncer want me more and more? I got him open a little bit. I do know that if things ended with us we would both just keep it moving, but he really is trying to be with me long term. He always tells me he doesn't sweat the small shit because he has patience and he is not letting me go. So he knows I'm going to be his. He said there will come a time when he will be like my shadow, but he is just taking it slow. The bad part is I'm also getting myself in deeper and deeper with him.

I don't really know what to do. I wish one of them would just leave me alone so I won't have to make the decision. But knowing me if that happened I would be trying to get them back just so I could keep up the drama......I told y'all I'm sick in the head. I even started picking fights with the bouncer and trying to kinda push him away. But that's not working. The crazier I act the more he loves it. Go figure.

I''m going to end this right here because I'm pissing myself off just talking about it. I will still keep y'all posted.