Sometimes I Wonder....

I have been reflecting back on a lot of different things lately. I keep wondering about this one guy in particular. For some reason a part of me keeps wondering what would have happened if I would have made a different choice.

We met about 7 years ago. I remember when me and my girlfriend walked in the club, we wasn't feelin the vibe up in there. It was Jamaican night and Lawd knows I can only stand that music but for so long. Anyway there was this guy there and what caught our attention was this crazy ass hat he had on. We were clowning him until....he started dancing. OMG!!I had never seen anything like that in my life. The way he moved his body was freakin' awesome. Every single woman in the place was mesmerized. I'm not even exaggerating! I looked at my girlfriend and said, "He is coming home with me". She said, "Well we must be sharing him".

When he left out of the club we followed him out. We were outside chillin' with the bouncers since we were regulars at the club and we knew all the staff, but it was our first time going on Reggae night. Anyway all of a sudden 2 black suburban trucks pulled up out of no where. The guys jumped out said a few words to the bouncers then they went back to the truck and out jumped Busta Rhymes. Once again I'm not even kiddin'. So I was a little star struck. I was saying out loud but talking to no one in particular that I needed a pen. So the guy with the funny hat was standing at the corner and he just pulled a pen out of his pocket and held it up. He never said a word. He was to smooth. I went over there and took it from him and I said thank you. Busta was only in there for about 15 or 20 minutes. When he came out I asked him if I could get an autograph. The bouncers said he wasn't signing any autographs. I asked if his dam fingers were broke? Of course they laughed at me and I didn't think the shit was funny at all. So once he played me the hell out I went to take the pen back to the dude. He asked me if I wanted his autograph and I said sure. Then he said do you want my number too or will the autograph be enough. I just smiled and melted. I told him I would definitely like his number. And just like I said when I was in the club...he was coming home with me. I only let him come to my house because my girlfriend said she would stay too. Eventhough that was usually the norm with us after we left the club.

We were together every night after that. The sex was off the chain. It was so dam wild it was just mind blowing. We used to just do different things and have a lot of fun. But I had also started seeing someone else and he was so freakin sweet. Eventually I left the wild dude alone for the more sensible guy. I don't really know why I left him alone. He went back to school but he always called me and still came to see me frequently. Eventhough I could tell he was feeling me I still decided to leave him alone.

Lately I have been thinking about him. Partly because he was on some tv show. I also heard that he is about to be in a Puff Daddy video. He always told me that he would be a star one day and I believed him. I know one day he will be recognized. That has nothing to do with why I'm kinda hoping I will run into him again. I just keep wondering, 'what if'.

The chronicles...we actually started dating

The next day we made plans to see each other. We decided to go to the movies. On the way there the craziest thing happened....We were driving along just boppin' to some good music and my car all of a sudden starts to decelerate. WTF!! It came to a complete stop and shut down on the highway in the far left lane(aka the fast lane). It wouldn't start back up. It wouldn't
do a daggone thing. Well some guy stopped and helped Boss push it off the road into a parking lot. I was devasted. All sorts of things were running thru my mind, Like how were we going to get home and more importantly how am I going to get to work in the morning. I called my daddy because I always call him when anything goes wrong. He told me he would be there to get us. I so calmly and nicely told Boss, "Listen, no one meets my daddy. You better act like you have some home training even if you really don't. Please do not speak unless you are spoken to". Of course he looked at me like I was crazy, but I was dead serious. When my daddy got there they both had jokes about my car breaking down and I didn't appreciate it at all and I sure didn't see anything funny.

Two days later I still didn't have a car, but it was in the shop. I was so distraught over the situation. Boss asked me if I would take a walk with him later on that night. I agreed eventhough I was in no mood to really be bothered with him or anyone else for that matter. So since it was Friday night and I didn't have to worry about anything until Monday morning I decided to just try to enjoy the weekend. We walked a few blocks to this local bar. I looked at him like he was crazy, because I had no intentions on going into this little dive bar. He made a phone call and told who ever was on the other end that he was here and we were waiting. I asked him who the hell he was talking to and he said not to worry about it. A few minutes later after we had a drink he said,"let's go". We walked outside and at that very moment a stretch limo pulled up and parked on the corner. The driver got out and greeted Boss. He introduced himself to me and let me know he would be our chauffer for the evening. I just laughed at Boss. All I could think was, "dam I look a mess". I had on some real regular jeans, a tank top, a jean jacket and some sneakers. I asked, "where do you think you are taking me with me looking a mess like this"? He told me I looked fine and he said that since I was stressing about my car he wanted to take me out and get my mind off of it for a while. He said he just wanted us to go to Philly and find something to do. We went to a pool hall. He is really good at shooting pool so that's what we did. Afterwards he asked if I was hungry. I told him I'm always hungry so the driver mentioned some spot that neither one of us had ever been to. He said, "I'll go in and get you two a menu and if you like what you see then you can stay and if you're not to sure about it then I will take yall some place else. So when we got there it seemed like a decent spot. It was called Chickey and Pete's. They had crab fries on the menu and I ordered some. When I tasted them, OMG. They were so freakin' delicious I was ranting and raving about how good they were. He was looking at me like I was crazy. He learned real quick that I'm not one of those girls that acts to shy to eat around a man. Shyte... I was tearing that food up. It was good food, a nice atmosphere, good company and good conversation. That was just what I needed at the time.

I remember on our way home Toni had to stop for gas(the driver). It just so happens that there was a big concert that went on that night. Some guy that was at the gas station asked Toni who was in the limo. He lied and said it was a rapper and the guy told him that he can rap and he happens to have a tape in the car. So Toni took it and told the guy that he would give it to him and see what he can do for him. Meanwhile Boss decided that he wanted to get out to get some cigarettes. He had no idea what Toni and this other guy was talking about. So when the guy seen Boss get out the limo he followed him in the store and told him that he has a demo and he can rap and he gave Toni the demo and he wanted Boss to really listen to it and get back to him. He was trying to find a pen to give Boss his phone number. Toni was outside falling out laughing, because Boss was looking at this dude like he had lost his mind. So he just laughed and told the dude to give Toni all the information and he would get back to him. When they got back in the car they were both rolling all over the floor. It was so funny.

The chronicles...5 years ago

My cousin had just moved into a new place. I was in between places because I was in the process of trying to buy a house. I was also in the process of ending a relationship. He was THE sweetest guy in the world. But I had gotten to the point where I did not want him to touch me and I despised trying to have sex with him. The only thing that was keeping our relationship afloat was the fact that he was buying me everything and anything that I wanted. What can I say I'm materialistic and he knew it. Anyway one night I was at my cousin's house chillin' and I fell asleep on the couch. I remember my sister saying they were on their way to go fight some girls. That's how you knew my family would fit in with the ghetto neighbors because they were a mess also. So when I woke up about a hour later I went outside to see where everyone was. One of my cousins was still outside talking to the one of the guys who lived next door. Actually he didn't live there but it was his family. She introduced us and that was that. Two nights later I was over there and he struck up a conversation with me. So we made small talk. Then the next day I came over there on my lunch break and he said , "You must be looking for me". I just smiled at him because at first I didn't even know he was the same dude I had been talking to. He must have looked different in the daylight or I just never really paid him that much attention. So later that night he asked me if I had ever been to some club. I forgot the name of it. I told him I had heard of it but I never been there. He said that on Tuesday nights it was the spot to be. So that just happened to be the next day. He asked me if I wanted to go. He even told me to bring my girlfriends and everything would be on him. I though about it and it sounded good to me. So after work I started making phone calls to see who was going to come out with me and everyone said they had to work so they didn't really feel like clubbin'. But I was always ready to go out and have a good time eventhough I also had to be to work in the morning I didn't care I still wanted to go. So when I got to my cousin's house I asked him if we were still going. He said, "Give me twenty minutes and I'll be ready". Next thing I knew we were on our way 'over the blue' ( for those who do not live around here that means we were on our way over the bridge going to Philly). He started telling me that I seemed like such a nice and sweet girl. I told him that all men think that when they first meet me then eventually they can't stand me anymore. He said I can't imagine that. I told him that I was a handful and most men can not deal with me and my ways. I will never forget he looked me right in the eyes and said "The problem is they were not man enough for you, and I know me and I'm sure I won't have that problem". I just let it go because I know me and I knew he was just like all the rest of them.

We got to the club and things went differently than what I expected. I thought he was going to go his way and I was going to go my way. I wanted to see what the place was like and if it was jumpin' like he said it would be then the next week me and my girls would definitely be there. I was kinda surprised that he stayed right there with me the whole time but I didn't mind since he was paying for everything. We had some good conversation and he was funny as hell. I started thinking he was really cool because up until that point I hadn't really paid him that much attention.

We left about 2:00. We went straight home eventhough he had other things in mind. Of course I expected him to try something but he was very respectful and it turned out to be a good night. We sat in the car for a while and talked while nosy ass people from the block were trying to see what was going on with us. Especially since everyone knew he had a fiance. But I guess he was known for doing his thing.....And that is the story on how me and Boss first met and our first date. that was October 23rd 2001.

GOD DON'T LIKE UGLY

Four year ago when my mother passed I remember when we got home from the hospital my little brother asked me if he would have to go live with his father. I told him if he didn't want to then I would make sure that didn't happen. So once the funeral was over and things started to settle down again me and my grandmother figured we had to do something about the kids. At the time my brother was 15 and my youngest sister was 12. The first thing we did was apply for social security for the kids. When we got there the woman who was handling our case was acting like we were trying to commit fraud or something and me and my grandmother were looking all dumbfounded because we had no clue what the hell was going on. Anyway she told us that someone else was collecting moeny for the kids already. She told us their father had been getting money for them. We had no idea that was going on. So to make a long story short everything was temporarily turned over to me because I had filed for custody of the kids. As soon as he found out about that then all of a sudden he wanted to fight me for custody. It went on for an entire year. Finally we were having the last and final court date. As you can imagine there was a lot that happened in that year, including my little sister asking her father to please drop the custody suite because she knew he only wanted the money he was getting he didn't really want them. Needless to say he went off about that and he started saying that we were brainwashing her. He just didn't realize how intelligent and aware she was. He had no idea that his 12 year old daughter had a higher IQ than he did.

So the last court date comes around and my little brother informs me that he has decided to go live with his dad. I told him I was fine with that if that is what he wanted. He also gave me a letter to give to the judge. When we got to court I told the judge I was no longer fighting for custody of my little brother because he made his decision to stay with his father. I also explained that originally I didn't want to split them up but if it happens that way it would not be a problem. I assured the judge that they would still be able to keep in close contact with one another since their father did not live far from me at all, and they would still go to the same school district. Well to make a long story short(to late). I was awarded full custody of my little sister and their father was awarded full custody of my little brother. We both had liberal visitation and we agreed to that.

Now it is 4 years later and since then my little sister barely speaks to her father because he has been so mean and nasty to her. Once during the custody battle he told me that if he didn't get his kids then his daughter would be pregnant and his son would be in jail. So now whenever I see him I make sure to make comments about how well she is doing and how well she is being taken care of. He didn't want anything to do with her afterwards because she chose to stay with me. Eventhough he was being an asshole I still encouraged my sister to have a relationship with him because after all, he is still her father. One day she called me and told me he had said something so mean to her. I coud not believe he would let those words come out of his mouth. After that I told her that she didn't have to be bothered with him anymore if she didn't want to.

A few days ago my little brother called me and told me that social security was trying to stop sending his check. He is now 18 and he has a job but he is still in school. His dad told him that if his money didn't come and he couldn't give him the money he pays him every month for rent then he has to get out and he will call the cops on him if he has to. He also told him that if he doesn't like it he can kiss his ass. He said this as he is bending over to show him his ass, and just exactly where he can kiss it.

I tried so hard not to say it but I just had to say I told you so. I wasn't trying to make him feel bad or rub it in. I only said it because my little brother was the only one who could not see that his father only cared about the money he was getting. As soon as he though the well was running dry he didn't want to be bothered with him any more. Me and my other sister already talked to him and told him he is more than welcome to come stay with us. We both have the room for him and it wouldn't be any inconvenience, just an adjustment.

She just doesn't respond the way she used to!

What can I say, I'm sure it happens to all of us at some point or another. It's going on 5 years and it has become a little routine. I just don't get aroused like I used to. My kitty-kat just does not respond to him the way it used to. I remember when we first moved in together I would be impatiently awaiting his arrival. I would already be in bed just waiting for him to come home and get into the shower. While he was showering I would be down stairs heating up his food that was always waiting for him in the microwave. I always made sure he came home to a hot meal. He would eat, spark a blunt, pop in a movie and we wouldn't even get a quarter of the way into the movies before it was on and poppin'. AHH...those were the days (as Archie Bunker would say).

Three days ago I had a heart to heart talk with him. I was very brutally honest. I let him know that I just do not desire him like that any more. I told him that while he is all over me groping and trying to molest me I am secretly cringing at the thought of us having sex. I explained to him that I have gone thru this with all of my men. I told him it's not him it's me. I also told him that I usually have a two year limit but he surprisingly lasted five years. Needless to say he was pissed off but he handled it a lot better than I expected. I also exlained to him that I know he deserves better than this because he is still young and of course he has a very healthy sex drive. I told him that it is not fair to him to be in this type of relationship especially when I know he craves affection. So we agreed that we would still be friends but we will go our separate ways because this is such a big problem and it has been going on for a while now.

Later that night when I got to work he called me and said that he had a chance to really think about everything that I said and he came to the conclusion that he does not want to be with anyone else and this problem is not something that we can't work on. He said he was willing to give me some space so I won't feel uncomfortable. He told me that he wants everything to remain the way it is because at this point he can't see himself trying to start all over with another woman.

I thought that was very mature of him. He has definitely come a long way. Knowing him the way that I know him it could have definitely been a different response. He is always quick to jump on the defensive and go on this rant about how he can have any chick out here that he wants and he doesn't have to put up with this shit and blah-blah-blah.

The other night we went bar hopping together. Usually I am very unaware of other guys. For some strange reason that particular night I was aware of every guy that was staring me in my face. He noticed it also. I have to say that a sistah was lookin Hella good. I love switchin up my look and I did cut my hair a few days ago and it is kinda short and it must be really complimenting me because everyone who takes notice really likes it a lot. Anyway my point is why was I noticing everyone who was noticing me? Especially since I was with my man. I know me and I hate to say it but I'm starting to get that itch and I might have to scratch it. I said that the kitty kat is not really responding to him, but that don't mean it won't respond to someone else.