It wasn't meant to be

I am an very firm believer in karma, destiny, and what is meant to be will be. I believe that He makes no mistakes, and when you do everything you can do and your plan still does not work out the way you want it to it is because that was not His plan for you. With that being said....



I didn't blog almost the whole summer. I believe I kinda left off when I was talking about me and "R" geting back together and I left the bouncer alone. Well a lot happened over the summer. Me and "R" decided we were going to move in together. He was going to renovate whatever needed to be done at my house and I was going to rent it out. We even had a couple of potential tenants. I was practically moved in at the beginning of the summer. We had planned for me to come at the end of the summer because he was keeping his nieces and nephew for the summer. But once my daughter stayed the weekend there and they all got along so well, we all just meshed into one big family. Instantly he went from living by himself to having a "fiance", 4 kids and a dog living with him. But we were happy. The 4th of July we had a big barbeque. We basically introduced each other to our families as our fiance's. So we were functioning pretty much as a married couple. We talked about our wedding. No plans were definite but we got a basic idea of what we wanted. I was working less because I wanted to be home more with the kids and I was barely paying any bills at my house. All I really had to worry about was the mortgage. I offered to pay bills at his house but he didn't want me to. So I just kep food in the house since we were feeding 2 adults and 4 kids daily. Now, the turning point...



At the of July him and one of his friends threw themselves a birthday party. At the party we got into a small arguement and I left. That's not really why I left. I was leaving anyway because I wasn't really feeling all that well. He already knew I would probably be leaving a little early. Anyway I went home, to my house. I layed down for a few hours then when I woke up I got myself together and decided to call him just to check in with him. I wanted to see if he needed a ride home becuae I knew he was drunk as hell. So I called a few times and got no answer then I waited for a call back. Then I called again and he obviously pressed the reject button on his phone because then my calls started to go right to voice mail. That's when I realized he was flat out IGNORING my call. I was pissed. So I got in my car and was on my way back up to the party. As I was parking the car I called once more and again the call prematurely went to the voicemail. So I got out of my car and walked in the bar and there he was sitting there with his phone in his hand. So that meant he was looking directly at the phone, watching me call and just ignoring all my calls. That was the beginning of our problems. As calmly as I could I asked him had he lost his mind. Then I told him to step outside with me. We walked outside and halfway down the block I went the fuck off! I cursed him out from a-z. I didn't care who was around. I told him that if he thought he could ignore me then I could make it easy for him and go to his house, get my shit and take my black ass back home. He said he just didn't want to argue with me and he assumed that was the reason I was calling. I didn't want to hear that excuse because up until that point we had never let an arguement or disagreement carry on. Once we said whatever we needed to say that was the end of it and we kept it moving. I didn't understand why the hell he thought I would call him at his party and argue with him hours later. So that was the beginning of a breakup. He went on and on about how I embarrased him. He was upset because he felt disrespected. He said he like things to always look perfect even if they are not so I should have waited until we got home before I cursed him out. I do not agree with him. I'm not trying to be fake for no one. Furthermore, he should have never, ever decided he wanted to freakin' ignore me. I told him he had no idea where I went after I left the bar. I could have been in trouble and needed him. Something could have happened at the house with the kids. It could have been anything! That's why I was so pissed. On top of that the only reason I was calling was to check on his black ass. So anyway after that our relationship took a turn. I could tell he wanted me to leave so I did. I was very hurt. My daughter ended up going back and stayed until the end of the summer when the kids went home. I would go back and forth as needed but I wouldn't really be around when he was there. I didn't like the way he was treating me. He acted as if I was the very last person he wanted to be around. So after the kids went back home I was really devastated because we didn't go along with our plan to move in together and start planning out the rest of our lives. Eventhough we was on speaking terms there was no intimacy or anything So finally I was tired of feeling like I was bothering him. But most of all he was making me feel like I was the only one that was so into us moving in together and planning a wedding. He made me feel like maybe I was the only one that was really in love. So one day I finally made peace with myself that we wasn't getting back together, and nothing that we talked about was really going to happen. Two days later I met him at my sister's house so he could finally meet my grandmother. She already knew we were broken up but she wanted to meet him anyway. And she was in town for a few days. The next day he went on his camping trip. The whole time he was gone he made sure he text me everyday, a few times a day. Then the night before he came home we basically had a whole conversation in text messages about how much he really does love me but he doesn't like the way I am when I get upset. He said he doesn't like the way I talk to him and the things I say when things get heated. Blah-blah-blah. So when he came home the next day he just acted like everything was everyhting and we were right back together like nothing ever happened. Needless to say I was pissed off about that because I wanted to know how did he just go away and have this epiphany that he still loved me and he did want us to be together. I didn't trust that he was sincere. So anyway I did stay with him but I was quite leary of the relationship. He sensed my hesitation and when we talked about it he told me he understood. Anyway because of my hesitation, eventhough I knew I loved him that was the reason I started my little affair with "C"



To make a long story short (too late). Last week he finally told me the reason he was so upset about that night. It was because he was planning on proposing to me that night. The funny thing is right before my b-day in Nov. I broke up with him. Later that day he text me and showed me a picture of a ring he was planning on giving me for my b-day. He said he was glad his dumb ass didn't give this to me and there was the picture. So I knew there was a ring floating around somewhere but I had no idea he has had that ring ever since July. So like I said at the beginning it doesn't matter what our plan is if it's not what He wants for us then it won't happen. I still love him dearly and I will always love him. I don't regret us getting back together. He has been good to me despite the fact that I kinda think he is a little bi-polar. I'm just happy that it did happen the way it did because we would have made that major move and neither one of us would be happy. And on the other hand if it is in the cards for us then eventually we will find our way back to each other.

Kids Gone Wild!!

I have more real talk because lately I had another quite startling epiphany. But I need to touch upon a different matter right now. But before I start I want to say that I am not trying to offend anyone so please try to keep an open mind about what I am saying I do understand if you disagree but I'm just giving it to you from my point of view.

My daughter changed schools this year. She now goes to school close to her father. He lives in what I guess is considered the suburbs. I live in the city. My daughter used to go to Catholic school. She was there for 3 years and she has never came home and told me any type of wild stories like she has been recently telling me about what goes on in her school. She is in the 8th grade which means she is only in junior high. But not only does she keep track of what goes on in her school she also keeps track of what goes on in the two high schools surrounding her school. She is able to do this because her best friend goes to one and her step brother goes to the other. The schools are predominently white. So this is a new experience for my daughter and for me. In her old school there was mostly black and spanish kids. Once again, at the risk of offending anyone, these white kids are off the hook! The stuff my daughter tells me really has me concerned. There are plenty of kids smoking marijuana and even mixing it with wet. Now I'm not saying that same thing does not go on in the city schools where there are mostly black kids, but these kids are also taking xanax's. There was a 16 year old girl in the high school that recently overdosed on these pills. Another thing that seems to be popular with them is acid. WTF!! My daughter said this is the first time she has even heard of some of this stuff. I believe her because I know I can't watch her every minute of every day, but I am willing to bet my life that she has not been exposed to these things until she got to this school, and this is considered aa good school. There are a couple of girls there who have been cutting themselves. What type of shit is that? What really gets me is how the hell can your 13 or 14 year old child be getting high on a regular or even semi-regular basis and you as a parent not notice it. I am totally baffled by that. How much freedom do these kids have? Then there are quite a few kids that have tatoos and their parents have no clue. Who the hell is taking these kids to get these tatoos. I mean I know kids are going to get away with some things, but my goodness! The really bad part is it's not just in my daughter's grade. There are younger kids doing the same things because they are following their brothers or sisters. So it's just going right down the line

I told my daughter do not get around them dam kids and loose her mind. I just don't want her to get in that kind of environment and see these kids running wild and decide that's something she wants to try. Because for those who have followed my blog,you guys know I will stomp a mudhole in my child, not think twice about it and dare someone to say something.

I talked to my daddy about my concerns and he assured me that my child knows better than that. He told me that right from wrong has already been instilled in her. She knows she has a strong family foundation and she won't fall into that crowd. I really hope he is right. But regardless I still worry. I know I can't keep her sheltered. I'm actually not trying to do that. Me and my daughter talk a lot about a little bit of everything. But the things that have been going on in the schools are a bit much for me to digest. I just try to keep the lines of communication between me and my daughter open so she can feel free to talk to me about whatever. And ask me questions about anything she doesn't quite understand.

Real Talk

Every once in a while I will do a post that gives the reader some real insight as to how I think, how I am ect... So this is one of them posts...

Yesterday morning I talked to "C". I was kinda shocked that he called but I was also happy to hear from him. I had called him a few days ago and left him a message. I told him that I was leaving him alone but everything was still cool, I would just see him around. I think I'm just cleaning house since the new year came in. So because I hadn't heard from him I just assumed he wouldn't call and we would just keep it moving. As long as I didn't hear fom him I was ok. But that negro called and I answered the phone.....FUCK!!!

We started talking about the message I left. Why I left it, and why did our relationship go the way it did. There was a lump in my throat the whole time. And even though we often told each other that we love one another and we even talked about locking it down and really being together. I didn't realize just how much I do love him and how much I wanted him. The shit was actually blowing my mind. At first I was holding back. Then he told me if we are going to talk then let's get everything out of the way and really talk. So I told him exactly how I was feeling. Exactly how I feel when I'm with him, on the phone with him, or even just thinking about him. As I was saying it I couldn't really believe it was coming out of my mouth. Once I was done he assured me that the feeling between us is mutual. BUT because I was able to lie to him about my situation with my man. Becaiuse he prides him self on always being able to see past the bullshit, but he had absolutely no clue that I was with anyone else. He said that makes him not able to trust me. He is not trying to be hurt and he was ready for a relationship and we were getting to that point. So now his defense mechanism was to push me away. He also told me that he doesn't understand how I was so in love with my man in the summer and I was so ready to move in with him and we were talking marriage. He said his heart does not work like that. He can't just turn the love on and off. He also told me that this is not the first time we have had this conversation. After I came clean to him about being with my man he told me then that there would not be a monogamous realtionship between us. I told him that when he said that I wouldn't allow myself to believe that. He said, you know me better than that, if I say it, then that's what it is. Anyway I was crushed! So the conversation went on a little while longer then I was getting mad as hell so he said I think we should end this conversation right now. So we hung up and that was that. A few minutes later I text him and told him that he fucked up my whole morning and I didn' t want him to call me again......

Now let me be extremely honest....I got caught up. I knew I had a man and I loved my man, but the passion I felt for "C" was undescribable. I have had some good sex in my day but this was not just about the sex. We connected on so many levels in bed and out of bed. But I'm still confused about whether I really want him because I want to be with him or do I just want him because he's not letting me have him. Y'all know how shifty I can be. One day I'm in love the next day I could care less then I'm back in love again. It's really starting to bother me that I can't get my shit together and make a decision. I have had so many good men, and I am quick to throw them away. What is my problem? There are women out here who would kill to have been fortunate enough to come across the kind of men that I have had. But I can see that this man can probably get anything out of me.

I was reading hoodoo's blog and she said some thing that hit the nail right on the head. She said a man who is sexually mature is the bomb. She said The love of money is the root to all women's evil, but a man who knows how and is willing and able to deliver ecstasy on a consistent-no hold basis, that's where it's at. She ain't neva lied. I was already a friend to him, mildly attracted to him, and curious as hell. So when we finally did what grown folx do and the shit was like it was I dam near lost my mind. So now what?....I heard somewhere that every man you sleep with leaves his essence in you. I don't know about every man, but he has definitely left his essence in me and a permanent stain on my heart.

I see now that I may never know if I wanted him because I wanted a relationship with him, or if I wanted him just because I wanted the sex. But I will forever be Craving Him.

Happy New Year

I'm sure everyone in blogger land is just dying to know what I did for the new year. So without further ado I will give you blow by blow as the drama unfolds.

Me and my man have been having some problems (so what's new?) Anyway a few days before the new year we had a minor falling out, but as usual he realized this was another arguement fueld by his bi-polarness. So anyway in an attempt to make things right he cooked for us. We had alaskan snow crab legs and jumbo shrimp. It was a real nice, peaceful day that consisted of me laying around on the couch all day before I had to go to work that night. He cooked for us and he presented me with a card that was basically saying he was a bone head and he was sorry for that. He signed it with much love and plenty of kisses. So I was accepting of his apology and I even felt good about us just getting back on track. Epsecially with the new year coming in I was quite hopeful that things would just smooth out between us.

Anyway, on new years eve we decided that we would be in separate places since I wanted to go to my church and he wanted to go to his church. We were both ok with that and we agreed to call each other after the new year came in. So after church I called him and he sounded a little annoyed. So finally I asked him what the hell was his problem because he had been acting a little funny all day. At first I tried to ignore it because I knew he wasn't feeling well, but at this point he was starting to get on my freakin' nerves. So I finally got him to open up about what was wrong with him. He started ranting and raving about something I had said a few days ago. But I thought all that was resolved since we had already made up. Then he starts going on and on about why the hell didn't I get an extra set of keys for my house for him. I just explained to him that there was no reason except for the fact that I have been busy. I have been working a lot with getting ready for the holidays and even though it was after Christmas it had just slipped my mind. Well nothing I said was good enough. My little sister had to borrow his keys because she stays with me now. But I was supposed to replace his keys once I realized she was going to be with me permanently. So anyway he finally said he didn't even want any keys at this point. So by now I am beyond pissed. Not just because he claims he doesn't want the keys but because I can not believe this is our first conversation of the new year. He was just kissing my ass because he was being an asshole just a few days before this. So something in me just clicked, and I realized this would be the very last arguement we would have. So I told him I was on my way to his house to bring him his keys. He told me not to come but I told him I was also coming because I had something to tell him.
When I got there he was sitting on the steps waiting for me. I came in and closed the door. I took his key off my key ring and placed it on the table. I told him I came over for one reason and one reason only. I told him I wanted the pure satisfaction of telling him this to his face. I told him that when he was going thru my phone and he called "K" he should have called "C" because that is who I have been FUCKIN' ever since September. And eventhough I know he is sitting there trying to act like he doesn't care I know he does. I told him I know he is crumbling inside, because EVERYBODY knew except for him. Then I said have a happy new year, and by the way get some rest because you look a little tired. I walked out, and slammed the door. I can not explain how good I felt. Because I was so sick of him I didn't know what to do with myself.

After that I got on the road and headed to my cousin's house. He has a new years eve party every year and it is always the place to be. He definitely throws the best house party. There was a DJ, the food was catered and in the bathtub it was filled with ice and every single thing you wanted to drink was in there.

As soon as I walked in one of the first people I seen was "D".If anyone remembers him then you know he was like a thorn in my side. After I dealt with him I couldn't stand him because he wouldn't just leave it alone. Anyway, he jumped up and hugged me and for the rest of the night he made sure he was in my general vicinity. He got on my nerves just a little bit but he was kinda cool so I didn't make a big deal out of it. I think the thing that was killing him was the fishnet stockings. Maybe it was the patent leather peep toe shoes. Or it could have been the Victoria Secret skirt with the split all the way up the front of the leg on the left side. Maybe it was the leather jacket with the matching leather gloves with the gold studs with the leather pocketbook to match the gloves, also with the gold studs. I'm sorry but babygirl was looking too good. So sexy and sophisticated. I'm sure that was the first thing my man noticed when I walked in the door. He had to be paying attention to how fucking good I was looking as I completely broke his heart and destroyed his ego.

Anyway I didn't drink much at all. I had only a half bottle of Champagne and I had all my wits about me. "D" was a little disapointed because he thought we were going to rekindle something but I wasn't having it. I got home about 4:45 am and I went to bed a very satisfied woman.

My motto for the "08".....Fuck It!!