Real Talk

Every once in a while I will do a post that gives the reader some real insight as to how I think, how I am ect... So this is one of them posts...

Yesterday morning I talked to "C". I was kinda shocked that he called but I was also happy to hear from him. I had called him a few days ago and left him a message. I told him that I was leaving him alone but everything was still cool, I would just see him around. I think I'm just cleaning house since the new year came in. So because I hadn't heard from him I just assumed he wouldn't call and we would just keep it moving. As long as I didn't hear fom him I was ok. But that negro called and I answered the phone.....FUCK!!!

We started talking about the message I left. Why I left it, and why did our relationship go the way it did. There was a lump in my throat the whole time. And even though we often told each other that we love one another and we even talked about locking it down and really being together. I didn't realize just how much I do love him and how much I wanted him. The shit was actually blowing my mind. At first I was holding back. Then he told me if we are going to talk then let's get everything out of the way and really talk. So I told him exactly how I was feeling. Exactly how I feel when I'm with him, on the phone with him, or even just thinking about him. As I was saying it I couldn't really believe it was coming out of my mouth. Once I was done he assured me that the feeling between us is mutual. BUT because I was able to lie to him about my situation with my man. Becaiuse he prides him self on always being able to see past the bullshit, but he had absolutely no clue that I was with anyone else. He said that makes him not able to trust me. He is not trying to be hurt and he was ready for a relationship and we were getting to that point. So now his defense mechanism was to push me away. He also told me that he doesn't understand how I was so in love with my man in the summer and I was so ready to move in with him and we were talking marriage. He said his heart does not work like that. He can't just turn the love on and off. He also told me that this is not the first time we have had this conversation. After I came clean to him about being with my man he told me then that there would not be a monogamous realtionship between us. I told him that when he said that I wouldn't allow myself to believe that. He said, you know me better than that, if I say it, then that's what it is. Anyway I was crushed! So the conversation went on a little while longer then I was getting mad as hell so he said I think we should end this conversation right now. So we hung up and that was that. A few minutes later I text him and told him that he fucked up my whole morning and I didn' t want him to call me again......

Now let me be extremely honest....I got caught up. I knew I had a man and I loved my man, but the passion I felt for "C" was undescribable. I have had some good sex in my day but this was not just about the sex. We connected on so many levels in bed and out of bed. But I'm still confused about whether I really want him because I want to be with him or do I just want him because he's not letting me have him. Y'all know how shifty I can be. One day I'm in love the next day I could care less then I'm back in love again. It's really starting to bother me that I can't get my shit together and make a decision. I have had so many good men, and I am quick to throw them away. What is my problem? There are women out here who would kill to have been fortunate enough to come across the kind of men that I have had. But I can see that this man can probably get anything out of me.

I was reading hoodoo's blog and she said some thing that hit the nail right on the head. She said a man who is sexually mature is the bomb. She said The love of money is the root to all women's evil, but a man who knows how and is willing and able to deliver ecstasy on a consistent-no hold basis, that's where it's at. She ain't neva lied. I was already a friend to him, mildly attracted to him, and curious as hell. So when we finally did what grown folx do and the shit was like it was I dam near lost my mind. So now what?....I heard somewhere that every man you sleep with leaves his essence in you. I don't know about every man, but he has definitely left his essence in me and a permanent stain on my heart.

I see now that I may never know if I wanted him because I wanted a relationship with him, or if I wanted him just because I wanted the sex. But I will forever be Craving Him.