It wasn't meant to be

I am an very firm believer in karma, destiny, and what is meant to be will be. I believe that He makes no mistakes, and when you do everything you can do and your plan still does not work out the way you want it to it is because that was not His plan for you. With that being said....



I didn't blog almost the whole summer. I believe I kinda left off when I was talking about me and "R" geting back together and I left the bouncer alone. Well a lot happened over the summer. Me and "R" decided we were going to move in together. He was going to renovate whatever needed to be done at my house and I was going to rent it out. We even had a couple of potential tenants. I was practically moved in at the beginning of the summer. We had planned for me to come at the end of the summer because he was keeping his nieces and nephew for the summer. But once my daughter stayed the weekend there and they all got along so well, we all just meshed into one big family. Instantly he went from living by himself to having a "fiance", 4 kids and a dog living with him. But we were happy. The 4th of July we had a big barbeque. We basically introduced each other to our families as our fiance's. So we were functioning pretty much as a married couple. We talked about our wedding. No plans were definite but we got a basic idea of what we wanted. I was working less because I wanted to be home more with the kids and I was barely paying any bills at my house. All I really had to worry about was the mortgage. I offered to pay bills at his house but he didn't want me to. So I just kep food in the house since we were feeding 2 adults and 4 kids daily. Now, the turning point...



At the of July him and one of his friends threw themselves a birthday party. At the party we got into a small arguement and I left. That's not really why I left. I was leaving anyway because I wasn't really feeling all that well. He already knew I would probably be leaving a little early. Anyway I went home, to my house. I layed down for a few hours then when I woke up I got myself together and decided to call him just to check in with him. I wanted to see if he needed a ride home becuae I knew he was drunk as hell. So I called a few times and got no answer then I waited for a call back. Then I called again and he obviously pressed the reject button on his phone because then my calls started to go right to voice mail. That's when I realized he was flat out IGNORING my call. I was pissed. So I got in my car and was on my way back up to the party. As I was parking the car I called once more and again the call prematurely went to the voicemail. So I got out of my car and walked in the bar and there he was sitting there with his phone in his hand. So that meant he was looking directly at the phone, watching me call and just ignoring all my calls. That was the beginning of our problems. As calmly as I could I asked him had he lost his mind. Then I told him to step outside with me. We walked outside and halfway down the block I went the fuck off! I cursed him out from a-z. I didn't care who was around. I told him that if he thought he could ignore me then I could make it easy for him and go to his house, get my shit and take my black ass back home. He said he just didn't want to argue with me and he assumed that was the reason I was calling. I didn't want to hear that excuse because up until that point we had never let an arguement or disagreement carry on. Once we said whatever we needed to say that was the end of it and we kept it moving. I didn't understand why the hell he thought I would call him at his party and argue with him hours later. So that was the beginning of a breakup. He went on and on about how I embarrased him. He was upset because he felt disrespected. He said he like things to always look perfect even if they are not so I should have waited until we got home before I cursed him out. I do not agree with him. I'm not trying to be fake for no one. Furthermore, he should have never, ever decided he wanted to freakin' ignore me. I told him he had no idea where I went after I left the bar. I could have been in trouble and needed him. Something could have happened at the house with the kids. It could have been anything! That's why I was so pissed. On top of that the only reason I was calling was to check on his black ass. So anyway after that our relationship took a turn. I could tell he wanted me to leave so I did. I was very hurt. My daughter ended up going back and stayed until the end of the summer when the kids went home. I would go back and forth as needed but I wouldn't really be around when he was there. I didn't like the way he was treating me. He acted as if I was the very last person he wanted to be around. So after the kids went back home I was really devastated because we didn't go along with our plan to move in together and start planning out the rest of our lives. Eventhough we was on speaking terms there was no intimacy or anything So finally I was tired of feeling like I was bothering him. But most of all he was making me feel like I was the only one that was so into us moving in together and planning a wedding. He made me feel like maybe I was the only one that was really in love. So one day I finally made peace with myself that we wasn't getting back together, and nothing that we talked about was really going to happen. Two days later I met him at my sister's house so he could finally meet my grandmother. She already knew we were broken up but she wanted to meet him anyway. And she was in town for a few days. The next day he went on his camping trip. The whole time he was gone he made sure he text me everyday, a few times a day. Then the night before he came home we basically had a whole conversation in text messages about how much he really does love me but he doesn't like the way I am when I get upset. He said he doesn't like the way I talk to him and the things I say when things get heated. Blah-blah-blah. So when he came home the next day he just acted like everything was everyhting and we were right back together like nothing ever happened. Needless to say I was pissed off about that because I wanted to know how did he just go away and have this epiphany that he still loved me and he did want us to be together. I didn't trust that he was sincere. So anyway I did stay with him but I was quite leary of the relationship. He sensed my hesitation and when we talked about it he told me he understood. Anyway because of my hesitation, eventhough I knew I loved him that was the reason I started my little affair with "C"



To make a long story short (too late). Last week he finally told me the reason he was so upset about that night. It was because he was planning on proposing to me that night. The funny thing is right before my b-day in Nov. I broke up with him. Later that day he text me and showed me a picture of a ring he was planning on giving me for my b-day. He said he was glad his dumb ass didn't give this to me and there was the picture. So I knew there was a ring floating around somewhere but I had no idea he has had that ring ever since July. So like I said at the beginning it doesn't matter what our plan is if it's not what He wants for us then it won't happen. I still love him dearly and I will always love him. I don't regret us getting back together. He has been good to me despite the fact that I kinda think he is a little bi-polar. I'm just happy that it did happen the way it did because we would have made that major move and neither one of us would be happy. And on the other hand if it is in the cards for us then eventually we will find our way back to each other.