Decisions,Decisions

They say if you love something you gotta let it go...And if it comes back then it means so much more...And if it never does then at least you will know that it was something you had to go thru to grow....

How true is that? We always let each other go, and some way we always find our way right back to each other. It wouldn't be so bad if there weren't other people involved. He always gets another girlfriend or friend or whatever the hell she is and I always do the same. And for some reason these people are always really into us but we can't get to into them because we are to busy chasing each other. It's really a crazy situation and we realize what we are doing and we really want to stop hurting these other people, but we can't help it. I really thought it was over this time. But in reality what would make this time any different from any other time. Last time I was with someone for 5 months. He was actually living with someone else. I don't even remember how the hell we got back together but somehow we did. I found a reason to leave my other man alone and he just packed up and left the girl he was living with. She was and still is devastated over that. That's why she harrasses us every chance she gets. You know how women are. Men will get over it and keep it moving. Not women they hold grudges like a pit-bull with a freakin' bone. Anyway what it all boiled down to was I left my man because he wasn't Boss. (I love that negro). How can I not? He knows exactly what appeals to me.M-O-N-E-Y.

I must have already been looking for a reason to put some distance between me and my dude. He did something on Mon. and I stopped speaking to him for days. He was blowing up my phone, but I was already chillin' with Boss. Now he has moved back in with me. But we are not officially together. He just needs a place to stay until he gets himself together. (yeah right) I know him, he is taking advantage of this opportunity to do whatever it takes to put us back together. One thing I really liike about him is he doesn't care about the next dude. Feel me? He knows I still semi deal with the other dude. but that doesn't concern him because he knows he is going to have me all to himself soon. He just handles his business and let the chips fall into place. Come on now, you gotta love that type of shit. Meanwhile this other dude is complaining and whining about him being back at my house with me. Me and D.(that's what i'll call him) were never officially together so I feel like whatever happens happens. He has the option to walk away right now if the shit isn't sitting to well with him. (which I know it's not).

On the other hand. I really do like D., and as long as he is going to deal with me I'm going to deal with him. At least until I decide that I'm going to make shit official with my man again. I know this all sounds real crazy and comfusing, but welcome to my world. So I kinda feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Me and D were really working toward something. We really do have strong feelings for each other, but me and Boss got time in. We have invested a lot in each other. It's hard to walk away from 4 years especially when you have been thru hell and high water together. We have passion. It is so serious.

On another note kinda off the subject........I have been knowing D. for a long time. Our families are close with one another. Anyway back in the day about 6 or 7 years ago I used to chill with a girl that he was with. We had a little crew it was about 5 of us that were always together and as a matter of fact she lived in the same apt. complex I lived in. Anyway I haven't seem this girl in years. They were dealing with eath other for a real long time probably 5 years on and off. She would always creep with him even when she had a man. Now at this point they haven't really been together in almost a year but they do still talk and keep in touch. So he had told me he wanted to tell her about us becauce it is just commom courtesy between ex-lovers. I definitely understood that because i'm sure if she was dealing with someone that he used to be boyz with he would not want to hear about it in the streets especially because they still keep in touch. Anyway, as you can probably imagine she is now "THE MAD RAPPER." He said she went on and on for at least 45 minutes about how I am such a whore, and how could he even think about messing with someone like me. She said he must be in a drought to deal with me. She said how can you go from someone like me to someone like her. So they were in an arguement. When it all boiled down he said there isn't anything that you can say that can change the way I feel about her. So she was hot. I told him that from now on she is going to be relentless in her pursuit to get him in bed. He didn't believe me (men are so naiive sometimes) Needless to say she is calling him ALL THE TIME now. She calls for the stupidest shit(I really hate women). So the other day she was "in the neighborhood"(yeah right) so she called and asked if he was busy and could she stop by. He said yeah. He said no sooner than she got in the door she started with the smart comments about me and him. He finally told her that he didn't want to hear anything else about it because she is making herself look stupid. She keeps saying that she doesn't care and she is not jealous but it is apparent that she does care and she is quite jealous. He told her that I never speak a bad word about her and she shouldn't say anything negative about me. Well that shit went in one ear and out the other. She is still currently holding the heavy weight championship title as "THE MAD RAPPER."

TALKIN' ABOUT NUFFIN'

I am really tired so bare with me right now. I felt like I had to post something new so here it is, although I don't really know what the hell I'm posting about. I'm basically trying to kill some time while I'm at work. I have less than 2 hours to go. I feel like I'm going to fall out from sleep deprivation. No seriously, I am extremely sleep deprived right about now. I have been working 12 hour shifts all week long. I have 1 more night to go. Night shift is no freakin' joke. Your body will shut the hell down if you do not get the proper sleep. Today when I go home I'm going to make a real effort to go to sleep instead of finding something else to do like clean up my room or vacuum the floors or wash and deep condition my hair. I am my own hairdresser. My sister colored my hair about 3 or 4 weeks ago. The color is absolutely off the hook. It matches my skin complexion so nicely. I have gotten so many compliments on it. But as we women all know, tampering with your hair always comes with a price. So now I have to take extra special care of it because I had some breakage. But needless to say it is still flowing because I have been really taking care of it. I can't wait until my perm wears out so I can get micro-braids.

This might be TMI (to much information), but I have on THE cutest underwear. I usually wear thongs all the time but I'm learning that there are other alternatives to sexy underwear. They are Calvin Klein boyshorts. They are so freakin' cute. I felt compelled to buy new underwear not because I needed them but because when you have a new man in you life it makes you want to buy new clothes and especially new underwear. Ya feel me ladies? So I purchased a few intimate apparel items today.

I also got a cell phone today. I haven't had a cell since about 2001. I know most of yall are thinking like how could I have functioned without a cell phone? My answer to that is, EASY. I hated when I had a phone and people are always calling and asking where are you? What are you doing? Who are you with? Are you close by? Can I get a favor? One your way over can you pick up....? DAM...Then if you don't pick up the phone you are constantly coming up with lame excuses why you didn't pick up the phone. Like..I left the phone in the car and I was in the store, or I had the music blastin' in the car and I didn't hear it. It was on vibrate and I didn't hear it. I heard it ringing but I couldn't find it. I don't feel like explaining to people why I'm ignoring their dam calls. Now, on the other hand if you only have a house phone you can simply say I wasn't home. How simple is that. But seriously I only got a phone for emergencies. I felt like that was a good enough reason to step back into the millenium.(haha)

Why am I such an airhead that I lost my dam keys in the mall today. The funny thing was that I actually had my spare car key in my pocket. I usually never have that key on me. How did that happen? I did call the information booth when I got to work and they did have them. I had checked before I left but they weren't turned in yet. Of course my house key was lost too. But I wasn't worried about it because my little cousin down the street from me has keys to the house and I figured she could just let me in. Why did I go down there and ask her to let me in the house and she told me she can't find her keys either. She lost them 2 days ago. I was like WTF!! But because she is a career criminal she was able to easily break in the house. So now I'm using my spare car keys and my ex-boyfriends keys, that are now my extra pair of keys.

Well that's it, I'm done with the meaningless babble......Hope you're having a good weekend.

HAVE YOU EVER FOUND LOVE?

I called Boss last night and left a message. I told him that I believe we were made for each other. I left it at that. I told him not to call me so we could discuss that. I just wanted to tell him what I was feelin'. The next day he called. I didn't pick up the phone at first. After a few calls I finally answered. He told me he felt the same way. He was probably just saying that because he is tryin' to get back together. Anyway. I told him that I feel like there is more than one person out there for everyone, but you only get one perfect love. He was my perfect love. I was made from his rib to fit him perfectly. I know that sounds crazy but that is how I feel.

On another subject....Me and my dude was in the car on our way to get something to eat and Mary J. Blige came on, "Be without you." Of course I turned the radio up, and I was groovin'. He said why does everyone go crazy over this song? I looked at him like he was crazy. He said all the women he knows loves this song. I told him this song almost made me put my relationship back together with Boss. Needless to say he didn't want to hear that. He said he didn't think the song was all that. All I could do was feel sorry for him. Why, you ask. I realized that he doesn't know what it is like to be with someone that you feel like you just can't live without. Someone you just can't wait to get home to. Someone who completes your sentence, or knows what you are thinking before you say it. Someone that you love and trust wholeheartedly. Someone that makes you smile on the inside even when you are frowning at them from the outside. Someone who has worked your nerves but you still just can't get enough of them. Someone who breathes when you breath, someone who's heart beat is in sync with yours.

That's sad. You know how the saying goes... It is better to have loved and loss than to never have loved at all....I used to think that was bullshit, but now I know better. I probably will never get back with Boss because our perfect love has been so tainted. So we will both move on to others and find love and contentment elsewhere, but I would never ever trade what I have experienced with him.