Updates

I have so much I could be bloging about but I just do not feel like it. But I feel compelled to give some quick updates so here it goes....

Two weeks ago my daughter went to her 8th grade dance. She was absolutely beautiful. And I swear I'm not just saying that because she is my child. Even her date's father kept commenting on how beautiful she was. He was hilarious and absolutely smitten with my child. Her and her date looked good together. The little boy was very handsome and they complimented each other.
Then last week was their graduation. It was very nice. Afterwards I wanted to take my baby out to eat, so I asked her did she want "J" to go. That's who she went to the dance with. She was all excited. Then I asked her if there was anyone else she wanted to take and she looked at me like I was crazy. That let me know that she wanted it to be a solo thing between her and "J". So long story short, I believe that they are kinda "dating" Because she did kinda ask me if it was ok for her to have a boyfriend. I don't want to continue with this so I will get more in depth with this story some other time...

My little sister is graduating in a few days. I can't wait. Because once she graduates it will be count down for her to go away for college. She will be leaving July 7th. She will still have to come home every Thurs. until Sun. that's just until school actually starts in September. I don't care I will take advantage of the few days I have without her in the house. She is a real pain in the ass sometimes.....

My grandmother was in a car accident the other day. It was bad but it could have been a whole lot worst. Thank God when her car went over the medium that tree was there to stop her, otherwise she would have went over this mini cliff. Yeah I know that sounds crazy but it's true! So now her car is totaled. She is in the hospital. No broken bones, but she is extremely soar. So she is not coming on Friday. She won't be here for my sister's graduation. I know she feels horrible about that. She was calling us everyday to remind us how many more days she had left until she arrived. So this really sux, because she was so excited to be coming up here to see us....

To my surprise my daddy informed me on father's day that he and my step-mother are going to buy a house together, and he is giving me his house. WOW!! She has finally broke him down and is getting what she wants. She moved in with him way back in October and she was only supposed to be there a few months. She was supposedly looking for a smaller place because her daughter got married and moved out so she wanted to buy a condo. But once she got into my dad's house she made no real attempts to leave. He seemed to be getting frustrated because although he loves her dearly he wanted his own space. Well somehow she has got him to agree to by a house together and him and I always discusssed that if something happened to him (God forbid) or if he move I would get his house. So that is the game plan....If anyone is confused a little about this story let me clarify by saying my step-mom is not really my step mom. They are not married. But I do claim her as step-mom.

There are a few other things going on but they can wait. I'll keep you guys posted.

The Apple Don't Fall Too Far From The Tree

My daughter is beautiful. I do not like her little girlfriend. Her BFF. Yeah right. This is the same little girl she was always getting into trouble with. She pulled some shit today. I don't really care to elaborate on it so anyway...

I know I'm a mess. We have discussed this time and time again. We also know I am a little shallow at times. I say all this because my sister's were just to through with me when I told them that I can't help that my daughter is just to dam sexy! I can't stop it. Her sex appeal is like a freight train coming through and it is unstoppable. What can I do but just nuture it. Hahahaha. But seriously, she went to a sweet sixteen party and a few of the girls, my daughter included had to wear something specific. That was rhe request of the birthday girl.( the one I can't stand) She wanted her and all of her closest friends to be dressed alike. They all had on "freakum" dresses. They all wore different shades of blue and the girls really looked cute. They even performed a dance they choreographed by themselves. Of course they danced to Beyonce's freakum dress. They also all had on heels. Silver heels. They looked so dam cute and ALMOST too grown. My daughter had a long curly ponytail in her hair with a bang. After they performed their dances and took a few pictures they changed into these crazy outfits. They all looked cute. It was like a Punky Brewster theme. They looked like 80's babies. Shorts, tights, sneakers and layered multi-colored shirts. That's when they really got loose. The party was packed. It actually got shut down 45 minutes before it was supposed to end. The township police said the building was to capacity. They were really parting like they were in a club. It was a nice size hall and it was packed. WTF!! Any way there was no fighting, which I was surprised about. There wasn't anything rowdy going on just good old fashioned fun and frolick. Hahaha

Anyway my daughter is such a freakin mess!! She told me one of her "Old Flames" was there. I remember when I used to have problems with her, because she wasn't allowed to talk to boys on the phone but she was always talking to this boy behind my back. When I found out I asked her was he worth the ass whoppin she knows I can and will deliver to her for disobeying me. When she thought about beat downs she has gotten in the past she left his ass alone. But now I do know that they keep in contact. He has a girlfriend and my daughter knows her but they are still cool. Anyway when we got in the car we was having "girl talk" about the party. I explained before that "girl talk" gives her the freedom to be totally honest with me and she can't get into trouble. It keeps our line of communication open and keeps me informed. So she said " Mom, guess who was at the party." I said, "Who." Let's call him "J" "J" was there" . I said, "all shit that was your boo back in the day, so what happened" She said, and I quote, " He was all up in my face trying to be on the get back. He seen me in my dress and he knew I was looking all good, because his girlfriend would never look that good" What could I say. I just fell out laughing, and gave her a hi-five.

Untitled

He finally made it official with this chick he has been seeing. We finally stopped having sex. I didn't think he would have such a hard time letting go of us but he did. Maybe because he has changed. I can see it in him. But it's not enough for me to want us back together. That's what he really wants but I don't feel the same way about him. A lot has changed in the last year and a half. I completely fell in love with someone else and almost made it official with him. He almost made me an honest woman. So my heart is still kinda with him not with Boss. Not any more. It took him a while to really process that. He couldn't allow himself to believe I actually loved someone else. He couldn't believe I considering marriage. I would never entertain the thought of marriage when it came to Boss. He was hurt. He was determined to put us back together. I knew it wouldn't happen. So I had to back away. Meanwhile back at the ranch. She wants him so bad. She has wanted him for a few years now. I like the way she went about it. Just played the sidelines until the right time. Now that she has half a chance she isn't letting it go. He swore she was so dumb. I told him ain't nothing stupid about that girl. But you know men. Swear they got something on lock down. She gave him enough rope to hang himself then she finally ran down everything he thought he was hiding from her. But it wasn't like he was really hiding much. They were just getting to know each other. Nothing more nothing less. He kept flaking out on her because he didn't want to get her to involved because ultimately he wanted his "family " back. Me, him and my daughter. Don't ever tell him she's not his child. Whatever....

One night a few years ago we were in bed. In that twilight sleep. You know when you are on your way but you're still conscience. Well I said to him I have your rib. It took him a minute to respond then he said why do you have it? I said because God gave it to me. He said well I guess that means that you belong to me. I said yes. Then we drifted off to sleep. It was crazy because he knew exactly what I was talking about. I want him to move on and be happy and I think she is really good for him. I am happy with my life. I do not want to be with him but I have his rib.

Road Rage Rant

I am about to be on Xanax or Zoloft os something! My road rage is getting out of control. And don't let me already be in a semi-bad mood when I get in the car because as soon as someone does something stupid or they are driving all slow then all hell breaks loose! I do not for the life of me understand why people think it is acceptable to do 60 mph in the freakin fast lane. I know there is no way in hell they can actually think that 60 is fast. You need to move to the middle lane, the right lane or get the hell off the highway. If you wanna sight see then take the freakin' scenic routes on the back streets.

Some people just need to go back to driving school 101. Know who has the right away and if it's not you then stay put until the person who has the right away has cleared the intersection. And please look both ways not just the way your car is facing . There are two sides to the street. Even if it is a one way street. Please come to a complete stop at a stop sign. I know it sounds corny and people don't think it is necessary but that rule has obviously been implemented for a reason. Please know the difference between a stop sign and a yield sign. That is very important. Because it freaks me out when someone completely stops at a yield sign. Another thing is please do not turn off the the highway all freakin slow. I know you can't go whipping around the corner but you can't dam near come to a complete stop and then turn. This could cause a freakin accident. Please do not pull out of an intersection in front of me and your driving all SLOW. If you see me barreling down the highway at maybe 80 mph and I am at a fairly close distance, DO NOT pull out in front of me with your beat up put-put car that only goes up to 50 mph, which causes me to either slow down abruptly or hurry up to switch lanes because I'm too close to make a stop. This move will make me wanna drive you off the road, get out of my car and kick a dent in your door or kick you in the face, whichever one I can get to first. Please do not be on your cell phone talking and driving below the speed limit and swerving into the next lane. If you know your not good at multi-tasking don't try to do it. Another thing that constitutes as multi-tasking is putting on your makeup while driving. Eating a donut and drinking coffee in the morning, getting dressed, combing your hair, etc.....If you can successfully do these things while driving then by all means, carry on. If you know for a fact that you can't, please refrain from doing them in the car and do them before you leave the house.

One more thing before I go. I'm not talking about elderly people. I have much respect for my elders. So I excuse them from any wrong-doing. What can I say, I do have a heart I'm not a monster. I will even excuse people with out of town tags. I can understand they may not be sure exactly where they are going. So there are instances that I will excuse but I also have to say this......Women are some of the worst drivers! I'm so sorry to my blogger women but that has been my observation, but if you don't take offense to it then that means I'm not speaking about you. I know I'm going to get into trouble for saying that but it needed to be said.

I Wonder

Last night I was having a moment. I cried my eyes out. I was thinking about my mother and whether or not she is pleased with how I have handled things since she has been gone. I wonder if she's looking down on me smiling or shaking her head in disappointment and disbelief. I think I did the best I could but I still wonder if she would have done the same thing or would she have done things differently. I know she is extremely proud of my little sister. She leaves in July for college. We always knew how smart she was. How much potential she has. But when my mom first passed, eventhough I obtained full custody of her she didn't live with me. She wanted to stay with my younger sister. My grandmother didn't think it was a bad idea either so I let her stay. But she still had curfew, and rules she had to follow. She definitely wasn't running wild. It was still like she had two parents because she had to check with me and my sister about everything. But I felt like I should have taken her with me from the beginning because I felt like it was a lot for my sister to now be responsible for a teenager and she was barely out of her teenage years. Part of me letting them stay together was selfish. I liked having my house to myself with just me and my daughter. I don't like change. I like things to stay the same. I like my house to be in order at all times. But now that she is there and I have gotten used to her I see that it's not that bad at all. She has a smart mouth but she is really a good kid. Responsible, intelligent, independent. She has always kept a job. Not because she had to but because she wanted to. I feel so bad for not wanting her to live with me at first. But you have to remember I was young. Only 26. It was hard to fathom the thought of taking on another child. I was a child myself when she passed. I still needed her. But I had to put myself in my little sister's shoes. How would I feel if I was only 12 and I lost my mother.



Then I wonder was my mom disappointed when I put my little brother out. He knew the rules in my house but that didn't stop him from bringing little floozies in my house and having sex. How could I let that go on. Especially when I have a teenage daughter that lives there. Eventhough he was grown he was not allowed to carry on like that in my house. Would my mom have let him stay in her house if she was still here? I wonder. My other brother offered to take him in. But he didn't want to go to Missouri and have to abide by his rules. So, oh well. But I wonder would he have turned out different if I did not let him go with his dad. I remember in court he said he needed to get his children because if he doesn't then his son will be in jail, and his daughter will be pregnant. But all he really cared about was keeping the social security money. My little sister said the day before she leaves for college she is going to knock on her dad's door and tell him she is about to leave and she is not pregnant. But he let my little brother drop out of school. He never cared about them. I should have never let him get a hold of my brother. I wonder if my mom is mad at me because he is not doing anything with himself.



I also feel bad because my graduation was the only one my mother made it to. When my brother graduated she was sick and in the hospital. The same day my day sister took her graduation pictures was the day my mom passed. So that meant there was three kids left that she never seen graduate. That sux. Well my little sister is the last of the mohicans. So now I feel like we are all pretty much grown now. We made it thru pretty good. People are always telling us that my mom has to be so proud of us, because we all stuck together and we are all doing good and yadda, yadda, yadda. For the most part I agree, but still I wonder.....

A few of my ephiphanies

It's been two weeks since "R" and I have had any contact. Other than a few e-mails. Not anything personal. Just those funny e-mails that you forward to everyone in your address book. So we are still not talking to each other. But in this tme I have been forced to be honest with myself about some things that I was keeping hidden while we were together. I pride myself on never making any major mistakes in my life. I have learned by watching the mistakes that other people have made. And eventhough I was telling everyone that I was ready to leave my house, get married and possibly have a child, I wasn't ready for any of that shit. I had convinced myself that it was time for me to settle down and get married. So he fit the bill. He fit the profile of who my husband would be. We looked so good together and everyone told us that. I had a "fiance" that had a nice home, college education, very handsome, sweet as Georgia pie, lovable, a gentle soul, always willing to help someone, always ready to welcome someone, he was older and more settled, he had a grown child so I didn't have to worry about baby-mamma drama, or child support. He has a little bit of money, or so he made it look like he did. Everyone absolutely loved him and it seemed like I was one lucky woman. But the truth was if I would have moved in with him by the time the wedding would have taken place I would have already been full of regret. For the most part I was bored to death. Not all the time but I was still looking for more. He was extremely depressed and it seem like no one seen that side of him but me. I also think he was a little bi-polar. We weren't really tight the way you should be with the man that you plan on marrying. To make a long story short. I don't miss him.
BUT as much as I hate to admit it, I miss "C". We were not only lovers we were friends. That was something me and "R" was lacking...a friendship. With "C" I could do all the things he thought was annoying but he just ignored it and let me be me. Like chew my gum all loud. He hated that, but he would tune it out and just let me do my thang. He didn't keep anything from me. I knew all his business. He always confided in me. He valued my opinion and he took my advice all the time because he recognized that I was always right. What can I say, it's a God-given talent. Whenever I would talk to "R" about anything we would always disagree on just about everything. It wouldn't always cause an arguement but it kept reminding us how different we were but I ignored it because I figured "opposites attract" but sometimes you can be to opposite. Me and "C" were always on the same page and if we weren't we just agreed to disagree and we kept it moving. There was no hostility we just let it go. I really miss the friendship I had with him. Me and "R" looked picture perfect from the outside but it was anything but perfect. Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm always looking for something else. Maybe I will never be satisfied. I can't help it. I love my freedom and I will honestly say that is the one thing I loved about me and "R"'s relationship. We gave each other plenty of space and freedom. He wasn't trying to smother me and I wasn't trying to smother him. We just trusted each other. How else do you think I had so much time to cheat?

My second epiphany is about my daughter. I'm a little jealous of her sexiness. I know that sounds crazy, and don't get me wrong that does not take away from my self-esteem at all. I know I am still the cat's meow. Hahahaha... But seriously she has beautiful shoulder length hair. She has a nice body to be only 14 and she has a good fashion sense (when she wants to) She has a smile that is so bright I'm about to have her do a toothpaste commercial. Her personality is amazing so that also draws people to her. Basically she is a mini me and that scares me because she is prettier than I was at that age and I was already into some shit. I realized at 14 the power women have over men. I know that sounds a little young to come to that realization but I did. I always dealt with older guys so I learned a few things from them. I just worry that my baby will be as hot as I was. So far she doesn't really show signs , but if I was able to get over on my mom maybe she will be able to get over on me. The only reason I think it was so easy for me to do what I was doing because my mom was a little preoccupied with 4 other kids. She is my only one so I feel like I can pay closer attention to her. For the last 2 1/2 years things have been real easy breasy. She has stopped trying to get away with being sneaky and she doesn't lie to me about stupid shit any more. I just want to keep her as innocent as I can for as long as I can. As much as I love her being so cute and so sexy I won't be able to fully appreciate it until she is at least 18 years old, because right now she is just to young to be looking the way she looks.

My girls and my ex

I was supposed to go to Missouri for Easter. But instead I stayed home. My daughter and my little sister went. But the more I thought about it the more I was excited about the thought of me having my house all to myself for 5 days. So Thursday morning we were up at 5:00 am and on our way to the airport. They had a 7:30 flight and you know you have to be there two hours before your flight. Anyway they barely had their suitcases out of the trunk before I was peeling wheels out of the airport. I know that sound horrible, but I rolled out on their asses. What makes it so bad is it was my daughter's first time flying but I just gave her a kiss and told her she would be fine. I know, what kind of mother am I? :-) But seriously she was fine. I kept her up all night so she was tired and I know that nothing stands in the way of my daughter getting her sleep. So she slept on the plane. When I talked to her she said everything was fine, and she had a good flight.

So since I had the whole house to myself I took advantage of it. I have been spending time with Boss (the ex-boyfriend). He swears we are getting back together and eventually getting married. He is so delusional. I told him I'm just here for the sex. He doesn't believe me but whatever. He is dealing with this girl and she seems really nice. I like them two together although I can tell she has some shit with her. She reminds me to much of me, and we all know I got some shit with me. Hahaha.... Anyhoo....She is cute, got a descent job, her own place, no kids. She is mature, she's really sweet, she is really into him, BUT what I do believe is that part of this is an act. I know she really likes him but she tries to act like she is ok with me and him still being friends. I'm willing to bet my life that she is not cool with it at all. But she knows a little bit about our history and she knows it is too early for her to be making any kind of demands on him or giving him any kind of ultimatums. So she is just chilling. Plus she is trying so hard to get him in bed with her. He has been prcrastinating that for weeks now. She figures if she can get him in bed and put it on him them she will have a better position with him. I know this sounds crazy but I'm a woman and I know how conniving women can be. Because I am one. I had to remind him about how he thought he had me all figured out when we first got together and as time went on he realized he didn't know shit! He stared out into space and though for a minute, then he cracked up laughing. He thought I was such a "good girl" when he met me. As time went on he realized I wasn't as innocent as I appeared to be. I think it's the exact same story with her. I look at the kind of friends she has and I know she has a wild side to her also. I know all of my friends were a mess and I was the most low key one of them all but I had just as much shit going on as they did. That is the same thing I see in her. It's funny because eventhough I think this way about her I still think she would be good for him . She might be able to handle him.But anyway, we will see.

My girls will be back home today at 10:00pm. I have enjoyed my time alone but of course it went way to quickly. I am looking forward to being alone in my house. In 4 1/2 more years my daughter will be off to college. I hate being like that but I can't help the way I feel, and I just enjoy being alone.