I Wonder

Last night I was having a moment. I cried my eyes out. I was thinking about my mother and whether or not she is pleased with how I have handled things since she has been gone. I wonder if she's looking down on me smiling or shaking her head in disappointment and disbelief. I think I did the best I could but I still wonder if she would have done the same thing or would she have done things differently. I know she is extremely proud of my little sister. She leaves in July for college. We always knew how smart she was. How much potential she has. But when my mom first passed, eventhough I obtained full custody of her she didn't live with me. She wanted to stay with my younger sister. My grandmother didn't think it was a bad idea either so I let her stay. But she still had curfew, and rules she had to follow. She definitely wasn't running wild. It was still like she had two parents because she had to check with me and my sister about everything. But I felt like I should have taken her with me from the beginning because I felt like it was a lot for my sister to now be responsible for a teenager and she was barely out of her teenage years. Part of me letting them stay together was selfish. I liked having my house to myself with just me and my daughter. I don't like change. I like things to stay the same. I like my house to be in order at all times. But now that she is there and I have gotten used to her I see that it's not that bad at all. She has a smart mouth but she is really a good kid. Responsible, intelligent, independent. She has always kept a job. Not because she had to but because she wanted to. I feel so bad for not wanting her to live with me at first. But you have to remember I was young. Only 26. It was hard to fathom the thought of taking on another child. I was a child myself when she passed. I still needed her. But I had to put myself in my little sister's shoes. How would I feel if I was only 12 and I lost my mother.



Then I wonder was my mom disappointed when I put my little brother out. He knew the rules in my house but that didn't stop him from bringing little floozies in my house and having sex. How could I let that go on. Especially when I have a teenage daughter that lives there. Eventhough he was grown he was not allowed to carry on like that in my house. Would my mom have let him stay in her house if she was still here? I wonder. My other brother offered to take him in. But he didn't want to go to Missouri and have to abide by his rules. So, oh well. But I wonder would he have turned out different if I did not let him go with his dad. I remember in court he said he needed to get his children because if he doesn't then his son will be in jail, and his daughter will be pregnant. But all he really cared about was keeping the social security money. My little sister said the day before she leaves for college she is going to knock on her dad's door and tell him she is about to leave and she is not pregnant. But he let my little brother drop out of school. He never cared about them. I should have never let him get a hold of my brother. I wonder if my mom is mad at me because he is not doing anything with himself.



I also feel bad because my graduation was the only one my mother made it to. When my brother graduated she was sick and in the hospital. The same day my day sister took her graduation pictures was the day my mom passed. So that meant there was three kids left that she never seen graduate. That sux. Well my little sister is the last of the mohicans. So now I feel like we are all pretty much grown now. We made it thru pretty good. People are always telling us that my mom has to be so proud of us, because we all stuck together and we are all doing good and yadda, yadda, yadda. For the most part I agree, but still I wonder.....

A few of my ephiphanies

It's been two weeks since "R" and I have had any contact. Other than a few e-mails. Not anything personal. Just those funny e-mails that you forward to everyone in your address book. So we are still not talking to each other. But in this tme I have been forced to be honest with myself about some things that I was keeping hidden while we were together. I pride myself on never making any major mistakes in my life. I have learned by watching the mistakes that other people have made. And eventhough I was telling everyone that I was ready to leave my house, get married and possibly have a child, I wasn't ready for any of that shit. I had convinced myself that it was time for me to settle down and get married. So he fit the bill. He fit the profile of who my husband would be. We looked so good together and everyone told us that. I had a "fiance" that had a nice home, college education, very handsome, sweet as Georgia pie, lovable, a gentle soul, always willing to help someone, always ready to welcome someone, he was older and more settled, he had a grown child so I didn't have to worry about baby-mamma drama, or child support. He has a little bit of money, or so he made it look like he did. Everyone absolutely loved him and it seemed like I was one lucky woman. But the truth was if I would have moved in with him by the time the wedding would have taken place I would have already been full of regret. For the most part I was bored to death. Not all the time but I was still looking for more. He was extremely depressed and it seem like no one seen that side of him but me. I also think he was a little bi-polar. We weren't really tight the way you should be with the man that you plan on marrying. To make a long story short. I don't miss him.
BUT as much as I hate to admit it, I miss "C". We were not only lovers we were friends. That was something me and "R" was lacking...a friendship. With "C" I could do all the things he thought was annoying but he just ignored it and let me be me. Like chew my gum all loud. He hated that, but he would tune it out and just let me do my thang. He didn't keep anything from me. I knew all his business. He always confided in me. He valued my opinion and he took my advice all the time because he recognized that I was always right. What can I say, it's a God-given talent. Whenever I would talk to "R" about anything we would always disagree on just about everything. It wouldn't always cause an arguement but it kept reminding us how different we were but I ignored it because I figured "opposites attract" but sometimes you can be to opposite. Me and "C" were always on the same page and if we weren't we just agreed to disagree and we kept it moving. There was no hostility we just let it go. I really miss the friendship I had with him. Me and "R" looked picture perfect from the outside but it was anything but perfect. Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm always looking for something else. Maybe I will never be satisfied. I can't help it. I love my freedom and I will honestly say that is the one thing I loved about me and "R"'s relationship. We gave each other plenty of space and freedom. He wasn't trying to smother me and I wasn't trying to smother him. We just trusted each other. How else do you think I had so much time to cheat?

My second epiphany is about my daughter. I'm a little jealous of her sexiness. I know that sounds crazy, and don't get me wrong that does not take away from my self-esteem at all. I know I am still the cat's meow. Hahahaha... But seriously she has beautiful shoulder length hair. She has a nice body to be only 14 and she has a good fashion sense (when she wants to) She has a smile that is so bright I'm about to have her do a toothpaste commercial. Her personality is amazing so that also draws people to her. Basically she is a mini me and that scares me because she is prettier than I was at that age and I was already into some shit. I realized at 14 the power women have over men. I know that sounds a little young to come to that realization but I did. I always dealt with older guys so I learned a few things from them. I just worry that my baby will be as hot as I was. So far she doesn't really show signs , but if I was able to get over on my mom maybe she will be able to get over on me. The only reason I think it was so easy for me to do what I was doing because my mom was a little preoccupied with 4 other kids. She is my only one so I feel like I can pay closer attention to her. For the last 2 1/2 years things have been real easy breasy. She has stopped trying to get away with being sneaky and she doesn't lie to me about stupid shit any more. I just want to keep her as innocent as I can for as long as I can. As much as I love her being so cute and so sexy I won't be able to fully appreciate it until she is at least 18 years old, because right now she is just to young to be looking the way she looks.