ALWAYS SOMETHING GOING ON

Updates

2008-06-19T02:59:00.000-07:00

I have so much I could be bloging about but I just do not feel like it. But I feel compelled to give some quick updates so here it goes....

Two weeks ago my daughter went to her 8th grade dance. She was absolutely beautiful. And I swear I'm not just saying that because she is my child. Even her date's father kept commenting on how beautiful she was. He was hilarious and absolutely smitten with my child. Her and her date looked good together. The little boy was very handsome and they complimented each other.
Then last week was their graduation. It was very nice. Afterwards I wanted to take my baby out to eat, so I asked her did she want "J" to go. That's who she went to the dance with. She was all excited. Then I asked her if there was anyone else she wanted to take and she looked at me like I was crazy. That let me know that she wanted it to be a solo thing between her and "J". So long story short, I believe that they are kinda "dating" Because she did kinda ask me if it was ok for her to have a boyfriend. I don't want to continue with this so I will get more in depth with this story some other time...

My little sister is graduating in a few days. I can't wait. Because once she graduates it will be count down for her to go away for college. She will be leaving July 7th. She will still have to come home every Thurs. until Sun. that's just until school actually starts in September. I don't care I will take advantage of the few days I have without her in the house. She is a real pain in the ass sometimes.....

My grandmother was in a car accident the other day. It was bad but it could have been a whole lot worst. Thank God when her car went over the medium that tree was there to stop her, otherwise she would have went over this mini cliff. Yeah I know that sounds crazy but it's true! So now her car is totaled. She is in the hospital. No broken bones, but she is extremely soar. So she is not coming on Friday. She won't be here for my sister's graduation. I know she feels horrible about that. She was calling us everyday to remind us how many more days she had left until she arrived. So this really sux, because she was so excited to be coming up here to see us....

To my surprise my daddy informed me on father's day that he and my step-mother are going to buy a house together, and he is giving me his house. WOW!! She has finally broke him down and is getting what she wants. She moved in with him way back in October and she was only supposed to be there a few months. She was supposedly looking for a smaller place because her daughter got married and moved out so she wanted to buy a condo. But once she got into my dad's house she made no real attempts to leave. He seemed to be getting frustrated because although he loves her dearly he wanted his own space. Well somehow she has got him to agree to by a house together and him and I always discusssed that if something happened to him (God forbid) or if he move I would get his house. So that is the game plan....If anyone is confused a little about this story let me clarify by saying my step-mom is not really my step mom. They are not married. But I do claim her as step-mom.

There are a few other things going on but they can wait. I'll keep you guys posted.

The Apple Don't Fall Too Far From The Tree

2008-05-24T12:59:00.000-07:00

My daughter is beautiful. I do not like her little girlfriend. Her BFF. Yeah right. This is the same little girl she was always getting into trouble with. She pulled some shit today. I don't really care to elaborate on it so anyway...

I know I'm a mess. We have discussed this time and time again. We also know I am a little shallow at times. I say all this because my sister's were just to through with me when I told them that I can't help that my daughter is just to dam sexy! I can't stop it. Her sex appeal is like a freight train coming through and it is unstoppable. What can I do but just nuture it. Hahahaha. But seriously, she went to a sweet sixteen party and a few of the girls, my daughter included had to wear something specific. That was rhe request of the birthday girl.( the one I can't stand) She wanted her and all of her closest friends to be dressed alike. They all had on "freakum" dresses. They all wore different shades of blue and the girls really looked cute. They even performed a dance they choreographed by themselves. Of course they danced to Beyonce's freakum dress. They also all had on heels. Silver heels. They looked so dam cute and ALMOST too grown. My daughter had a long curly ponytail in her hair with a bang. After they performed their dances and took a few pictures they changed into these crazy outfits. They all looked cute. It was like a Punky Brewster theme. They looked like 80's babies. Shorts, tights, sneakers and layered multi-colored shirts. That's when they really got loose. The party was packed. It actually got shut down 45 minutes before it was supposed to end. The township police said the building was to capacity. They were really parting like they were in a club. It was a nice size hall and it was packed. WTF!! Any way there was no fighting, which I was surprised about. There wasn't anything rowdy going on just good old fashioned fun and frolick. Hahaha

Anyway my daughter is such a freakin mess!! She told me one of her "Old Flames" was there. I remember when I used to have problems with her, because she wasn't allowed to talk to boys on the phone but she was always talking to this boy behind my back. When I found out I asked her was he worth the ass whoppin she knows I can and will deliver to her for disobeying me. When she thought about beat downs she has gotten in the past she left his ass alone. But now I do know that they keep in contact. He has a girlfriend and my daughter knows her but they are still cool. Anyway when we got in the car we was having "girl talk" about the party. I explained before that "girl talk" gives her the freedom to be totally honest with me and she can't get into trouble. It keeps our line of communication open and keeps me informed. So she said " Mom, guess who was at the party." I said, "Who." Let's call him "J" "J" was there" . I said, "all shit that was your boo back in the day, so what happened" She said, and I quote, " He was all up in my face trying to be on the get back. He seen me in my dress and he knew I was looking all good, because his girlfriend would never look that good" What could I say. I just fell out laughing, and gave her a hi-five.

Untitled

2008-05-12T01:16:00.000-07:00

He finally made it official with this chick he has been seeing. We finally stopped having sex. I didn't think he would have such a hard time letting go of us but he did. Maybe because he has changed. I can see it in him. But it's not enough for me to want us back together. That's what he really wants but I don't feel the same way about him. A lot has changed in the last year and a half. I completely fell in love with someone else and almost made it official with him. He almost made me an honest woman. So my heart is still kinda with him not with Boss. Not any more. It took him a while to really process that. He couldn't allow himself to believe I actually loved someone else. He couldn't believe I considering marriage. I would never entertain the thought of marriage when it came to Boss. He was hurt. He was determined to put us back together. I knew it wouldn't happen. So I had to back away. Meanwhile back at the ranch. She wants him so bad. She has wanted him for a few years now. I like the way she went about it. Just played the sidelines until the right time. Now that she has half a chance she isn't letting it go. He swore she was so dumb. I told him ain't nothing stupid about that girl. But you know men. Swear they got something on lock down. She gave him enough rope to hang himself then she finally ran down everything he thought he was hiding from her. But it wasn't like he was really hiding much. They were just getting to know each other. Nothing more nothing less. He kept flaking out on her because he didn't want to get her to involved because ultimately he wanted his "family " back. Me, him and my daughter. Don't ever tell him she's not his child. Whatever....

One night a few years ago we were in bed. In that twilight sleep. You know when you are on your way but you're still conscience. Well I said to him I have your rib. It took him a minute to respond then he said why do you have it? I said because God gave it to me. He said well I guess that means that you belong to me. I said yes. Then we drifted off to sleep. It was crazy because he knew exactly what I was talking about. I want him to move on and be happy and I think she is really good for him. I am happy with my life. I do not want to be with him but I have his rib.

Road Rage Rant

2008-05-03T21:18:00.000-07:00

I am about to be on Xanax or Zoloft os something! My road rage is getting out of control. And don't let me already be in a semi-bad mood when I get in the car because as soon as someone does something stupid or they are driving all slow then all hell breaks loose! I do not for the life of me understand why people think it is acceptable to do 60 mph in the freakin fast lane. I know there is no way in hell they can actually think that 60 is fast. You need to move to the middle lane, the right lane or get the hell off the highway. If you wanna sight see then take the freakin' scenic routes on the back streets.

Some people just need to go back to driving school 101. Know who has the right away and if it's not you then stay put until the person who has the right away has cleared the intersection. And please look both ways not just the way your car is facing . There are two sides to the street. Even if it is a one way street. Please come to a complete stop at a stop sign. I know it sounds corny and people don't think it is necessary but that rule has obviously been implemented for a reason. Please know the difference between a stop sign and a yield sign. That is very important. Because it freaks me out when someone completely stops at a yield sign. Another thing is please do not turn off the the highway all freakin slow. I know you can't go whipping around the corner but you can't dam near come to a complete stop and then turn. This could cause a freakin accident. Please do not pull out of an intersection in front of me and your driving all SLOW. If you see me barreling down the highway at maybe 80 mph and I am at a fairly close distance, DO NOT pull out in front of me with your beat up put-put car that only goes up to 50 mph, which causes me to either slow down abruptly or hurry up to switch lanes because I'm too close to make a stop. This move will make me wanna drive you off the road, get out of my car and kick a dent in your door or kick you in the face, whichever one I can get to first. Please do not be on your cell phone talking and driving below the speed limit and swerving into the next lane. If you know your not good at multi-tasking don't try to do it. Another thing that constitutes as multi-tasking is putting on your makeup while driving. Eating a donut and drinking coffee in the morning, getting dressed, combing your hair, etc.....If you can successfully do these things while driving then by all means, carry on. If you know for a fact that you can't, please refrain from doing them in the car and do them before you leave the house.

One more thing before I go. I'm not talking about elderly people. I have much respect for my elders. So I excuse them from any wrong-doing. What can I say, I do have a heart I'm not a monster. I will even excuse people with out of town tags. I can understand they may not be sure exactly where they are going. So there are instances that I will excuse but I also have to say this......Women are some of the worst drivers! I'm so sorry to my blogger women but that has been my observation, but if you don't take offense to it then that means I'm not speaking about you. I know I'm going to get into trouble for saying that but it needed to be said.

I Wonder

2008-04-28T21:41:00.000-07:00

Last night I was having a moment. I cried my eyes out. I was thinking about my mother and whether or not she is pleased with how I have handled things since she has been gone. I wonder if she's looking down on me smiling or shaking her head in disappointment and disbelief. I think I did the best I could but I still wonder if she would have done the same thing or would she have done things differently. I know she is extremely proud of my little sister. She leaves in July for college. We always knew how smart she was. How much potential she has. But when my mom first passed, eventhough I obtained full custody of her she didn't live with me. She wanted to stay with my younger sister. My grandmother didn't think it was a bad idea either so I let her stay. But she still had curfew, and rules she had to follow. She definitely wasn't running wild. It was still like she had two parents because she had to check with me and my sister about everything. But I felt like I should have taken her with me from the beginning because I felt like it was a lot for my sister to now be responsible for a teenager and she was barely out of her teenage years. Part of me letting them stay together was selfish. I liked having my house to myself with just me and my daughter. I don't like change. I like things to stay the same. I like my house to be in order at all times. But now that she is there and I have gotten used to her I see that it's not that bad at all. She has a smart mouth but she is really a good kid. Responsible, intelligent, independent. She has always kept a job. Not because she had to but because she wanted to. I feel so bad for not wanting her to live with me at first. But you have to remember I was young. Only 26. It was hard to fathom the thought of taking on another child. I was a child myself when she passed. I still needed her. But I had to put myself in my little sister's shoes. How would I feel if I was only 12 and I lost my mother.

Then I wonder was my mom disappointed when I put my little brother out. He knew the rules in my house but that didn't stop him from bringing little floozies in my house and having sex. How could I let that go on. Especially when I have a teenage daughter that lives there. Eventhough he was grown he was not allowed to carry on like that in my house. Would my mom have let him stay in her house if she was still here? I wonder. My other brother offered to take him in. But he didn't want to go to Missouri and have to abide by his rules. So, oh well. But I wonder would he have turned out different if I did not let him go with his dad. I remember in court he said he needed to get his children because if he doesn't then his son will be in jail, and his daughter will be pregnant. But all he really cared about was keeping the social security money. My little sister said the day before she leaves for college she is going to knock on her dad's door and tell him she is about to leave and she is not pregnant. But he let my little brother drop out of school. He never cared about them. I should have never let him get a hold of my brother. I wonder if my mom is mad at me because he is not doing anything with himself.

I also feel bad because my graduation was the only one my mother made it to. When my brother graduated she was sick and in the hospital. The same day my day sister took her graduation pictures was the day my mom passed. So that meant there was three kids left that she never seen graduate. That sux. Well my little sister is the last of the mohicans. So now I feel like we are all pretty much grown now. We made it thru pretty good. People are always telling us that my mom has to be so proud of us, because we all stuck together and we are all doing good and yadda, yadda, yadda. For the most part I agree, but still I wonder.....

A few of my ephiphanies

2008-04-01T17:59:00.000-07:00

It's been two weeks since "R" and I have had any contact. Other than a few e-mails. Not anything personal. Just those funny e-mails that you forward to everyone in your address book. So we are still not talking to each other. But in this tme I have been forced to be honest with myself about some things that I was keeping hidden while we were together. I pride myself on never making any major mistakes in my life. I have learned by watching the mistakes that other people have made. And eventhough I was telling everyone that I was ready to leave my house, get married and possibly have a child, I wasn't ready for any of that shit. I had convinced myself that it was time for me to settle down and get married. So he fit the bill. He fit the profile of who my husband would be. We looked so good together and everyone told us that. I had a "fiance" that had a nice home, college education, very handsome, sweet as Georgia pie, lovable, a gentle soul, always willing to help someone, always ready to welcome someone, he was older and more settled, he had a grown child so I didn't have to worry about baby-mamma drama, or child support. He has a little bit of money, or so he made it look like he did. Everyone absolutely loved him and it seemed like I was one lucky woman. But the truth was if I would have moved in with him by the time the wedding would have taken place I would have already been full of regret. For the most part I was bored to death. Not all the time but I was still looking for more. He was extremely depressed and it seem like no one seen that side of him but me. I also think he was a little bi-polar. We weren't really tight the way you should be with the man that you plan on marrying. To make a long story short. I don't miss him.
BUT as much as I hate to admit it, I miss "C". We were not only lovers we were friends. That was something me and "R" was lacking...a friendship. With "C" I could do all the things he thought was annoying but he just ignored it and let me be me. Like chew my gum all loud. He hated that, but he would tune it out and just let me do my thang. He didn't keep anything from me. I knew all his business. He always confided in me. He valued my opinion and he took my advice all the time because he recognized that I was always right. What can I say, it's a God-given talent. Whenever I would talk to "R" about anything we would always disagree on just about everything. It wouldn't always cause an arguement but it kept reminding us how different we were but I ignored it because I figured "opposites attract" but sometimes you can be to opposite. Me and "C" were always on the same page and if we weren't we just agreed to disagree and we kept it moving. There was no hostility we just let it go. I really miss the friendship I had with him. Me and "R" looked picture perfect from the outside but it was anything but perfect. Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm always looking for something else. Maybe I will never be satisfied. I can't help it. I love my freedom and I will honestly say that is the one thing I loved about me and "R"'s relationship. We gave each other plenty of space and freedom. He wasn't trying to smother me and I wasn't trying to smother him. We just trusted each other. How else do you think I had so much time to cheat?

My second epiphany is about my daughter. I'm a little jealous of her sexiness. I know that sounds crazy, and don't get me wrong that does not take away from my self-esteem at all. I know I am still the cat's meow. Hahahaha... But seriously she has beautiful shoulder length hair. She has a nice body to be only 14 and she has a good fashion sense (when she wants to) She has a smile that is so bright I'm about to have her do a toothpaste commercial. Her personality is amazing so that also draws people to her. Basically she is a mini me and that scares me because she is prettier than I was at that age and I was already into some shit. I realized at 14 the power women have over men. I know that sounds a little young to come to that realization but I did. I always dealt with older guys so I learned a few things from them. I just worry that my baby will be as hot as I was. So far she doesn't really show signs , but if I was able to get over on my mom maybe she will be able to get over on me. The only reason I think it was so easy for me to do what I was doing because my mom was a little preoccupied with 4 other kids. She is my only one so I feel like I can pay closer attention to her. For the last 2 1/2 years things have been real easy breasy. She has stopped trying to get away with being sneaky and she doesn't lie to me about stupid shit any more. I just want to keep her as innocent as I can for as long as I can. As much as I love her being so cute and so sexy I won't be able to fully appreciate it until she is at least 18 years old, because right now she is just to young to be looking the way she looks.

My girls and my ex

2008-03-24T22:45:00.000-07:00

I was supposed to go to Missouri for Easter. But instead I stayed home. My daughter and my little sister went. But the more I thought about it the more I was excited about the thought of me having my house all to myself for 5 days. So Thursday morning we were up at 5:00 am and on our way to the airport. They had a 7:30 flight and you know you have to be there two hours before your flight. Anyway they barely had their suitcases out of the trunk before I was peeling wheels out of the airport. I know that sound horrible, but I rolled out on their asses. What makes it so bad is it was my daughter's first time flying but I just gave her a kiss and told her she would be fine. I know, what kind of mother am I? :-) But seriously she was fine. I kept her up all night so she was tired and I know that nothing stands in the way of my daughter getting her sleep. So she slept on the plane. When I talked to her she said everything was fine, and she had a good flight.

So since I had the whole house to myself I took advantage of it. I have been spending time with Boss (the ex-boyfriend). He swears we are getting back together and eventually getting married. He is so delusional. I told him I'm just here for the sex. He doesn't believe me but whatever. He is dealing with this girl and she seems really nice. I like them two together although I can tell she has some shit with her. She reminds me to much of me, and we all know I got some shit with me. Hahaha.... Anyhoo....She is cute, got a descent job, her own place, no kids. She is mature, she's really sweet, she is really into him, BUT what I do believe is that part of this is an act. I know she really likes him but she tries to act like she is ok with me and him still being friends. I'm willing to bet my life that she is not cool with it at all. But she knows a little bit about our history and she knows it is too early for her to be making any kind of demands on him or giving him any kind of ultimatums. So she is just chilling. Plus she is trying so hard to get him in bed with her. He has been prcrastinating that for weeks now. She figures if she can get him in bed and put it on him them she will have a better position with him. I know this sounds crazy but I'm a woman and I know how conniving women can be. Because I am one. I had to remind him about how he thought he had me all figured out when we first got together and as time went on he realized he didn't know shit! He stared out into space and though for a minute, then he cracked up laughing. He thought I was such a "good girl" when he met me. As time went on he realized I wasn't as innocent as I appeared to be. I think it's the exact same story with her. I look at the kind of friends she has and I know she has a wild side to her also. I know all of my friends were a mess and I was the most low key one of them all but I had just as much shit going on as they did. That is the same thing I see in her. It's funny because eventhough I think this way about her I still think she would be good for him . She might be able to handle him.But anyway, we will see.

My girls will be back home today at 10:00pm. I have enjoyed my time alone but of course it went way to quickly. I am looking forward to being alone in my house. In 4 1/2 more years my daughter will be off to college. I hate being like that but I can't help the way I feel, and I just enjoy being alone.

We're done

2008-03-15T02:49:00.000-07:00

The shit finally hit the fan between me and "R". It's gotten to the point that we could end up on the other side of that thin line between love and hate. I won't even get into all that happened because it was really juvenile and I really thought a man his age would have been a little more mature than that, but apparantly I was wrong. So after the BS went down we talked later and he told me he doesn't love me any more and I should move on because he already has. I wasn't mad about him moving on. Especially because we had already discussed that several weeks ago. What I was upset about was him telling me he was going to do something then going back on his word. I was so pissed over that. Especially since he VOLUNTEERED to do it I didn't ask him. Anyway long story short we decided that we will no longer talk but I told him to bring my daughter's bike to me because it has been in his garage every since we left his house. He told me he will bring it but he doesn't know when. Well that further infuriated me because if you don't want to be bothered any longer then stop prolonging the dumb shit. But don't worry because I'm just going to get my daddy's truck and go get it myself. That will piss him off because I showed up at his house unannounced.

My girlfriend was real mad when she heard what happened. She actually seemed like she was hurt because things didn't work out with him and I. But I had to make her see things from his point of view. I had a whole relationship with another man for 4 months while I was with him. If the shoe was on the other foot and I told my girls that he had been cheating on me for that amount of time, or even if it was a one time thing. Their first and only reaction would be to tell me to leave him. Then if I did leave him and he expressed any interest in us getting back together they would be telling me to just move on because if he could live a completely separate life from me and cheat on me then why would I consider getting back with him. Furthermore I told her he has every right to move on and be bitter towards me because his mind probably continuously wonders about who knew I was cheating on him. Who was sitting in his face laughing and joking with him and knowing all along there was someone else in the picture which makes him look like a fool. Or how big of a fool would he be to just forgive my infidelity. After all, twice he was about to put a ring on my finger. Then your mind starts to wonder to all types of other things. I'm sure you guys can imagine what I'm talking about. So now he has some other chick all in his face and giving him the sweet act and making him feel wanted and kinda healing his pain. So now he is deciding that it is time to move on and get out of the vicious cycle between us.

Once I broke it down like that to my girl, she was a little more at ease. I know it sounds crazy that I had to counsel her thru our break up but I did. One thing about me is I ALWAYS have the ability to put myself in the other person's shoes and see things from their point of view. I am very understanding, and I understand why he felt like he had to do what he had to do the other day. HOWEVER......She needs to know she crossed a line the other day and I let it go because like I said I understand her wanting to show me that she is the new woman in his life. I'm ok with that but she better watch it. No one is more vidictive or conniving then me. And that has nothing to do with me doing something to try to get him back. It's all about her knowing she need not cross that line with me. But if anything else happens I will let y'all know.

More babble

2008-03-09T21:22:00.000-07:00

Last night the time changed. I went up an hour and now it gets dark later. The weather is getting a tad bit warmer and I am getting ready. I get so excited at the thought of spring coming. I am aware that March is a fickle month. It can be warn weather one day then a snow storm the next. But it doesn't matter because I still know that this month represents the beginning of the end of winter.

My home improvements are coming along quite nicely. I just put up new cutains in the dining room. I brought a new dining room set a few days ago. Unfortunately it won't be in stock until the middle of the month. That's a bummer especially because the place I brought it from usually can deliver the furniture the same day or the next day, but of course I had to get a set that wasn't available right away. I hate waiting for it. I'm so excited about finally finding a set that I really liked, and me and my daughter agreed on. So any way today I put up the new curtains, cleaned the chandelier, and vacuumed the floor, and put up the clock. So now all thats' missing is that dam table. Oh well, like they say, patience is a virtue. Then I talked to my daddy about tiling the porch. So he is going to help me do that. Then I have the guy on speed dial who is going to carpet the floors. I just have to get my money right before I can do that. I'm about to go on vacation, so after I get back I will work on that.

Speaking of vacation.....I'm going to Missouri for easter. Why Missouri you ask. My brother is there. He has a really big house there, so we decided to go to his house for easter. I believe I will have a good time but sometimes family gatherings start to irk my nerves after a while. I hate to say that because it's not nice. Don't get me wrong, I'm very family oriented but sometimes I like to be oriented from a distance. But I promised my brother I would be there so I'm going. I got half a mind to just send my daughter and my sister together and just stay home to enjoy my house all by my lonesome.

I callled "R" the other day and I was telling him about my plans to go to Missouri. I just casually mentioned that I had to figure out what to do with the dog. I told him that the kennel near me charges $26 a day. I'm not to thrilled about paying that kind of money to house my dog. He suggested that he take care of the dog. He said he would look in on her or he would bring her home with him. WTF!! This man barely wants anything to do with me but he has no problem taking care of my dog for 6 days. Are you freakin kiddin me?! Whatever. I'm going to let him do it because at least I won't have to worry about her. Plus I know he really loves that stupid dog. I was ready to get rid of her in the summer and at first he was looking for someone to take her then he stopped looking and told me we need to keep her because she really is a good dog. But it's mighty funny that when he decided we were moving to fast and I went back home the freakin dog went back home with me. But I know that he really works too much to have a dog. That's why he got rid of his 2 dogs when him and his wife split up because he didn't really have the time to take care of them by himself. Anyway....

Overall I'm feeling quite blessed these days. Life has just been kinda easy breasy. My daughter is about to start working and I love it. I started my new job already, but I'm still at my other job too. I like being able to work both places because sometimes you get tired of the same ole thing. And eventhough I'm working 2 jobs I still have plenty of time to myself because of how the schedule works out. So everyone at my house will be working and doing their own thing. My little sister will be leaving for college in July. I'm very much looking forward to that for several different reasons. I just don't have any complaints. I do wish things were different between me and "R" but it's no somethng that I'm stressed about. How can I be stressed about with spring and summer right around the corner?

Random Stuff

2008-02-23T20:14:00.000-08:00

I have about a bazillion things I could blog about so I'm going to just vent to get some things off my chest so let's begin, shall we.....

I despise "Stupid Women" Y'all know who I'm talking about and if you acting like you have no clue what I mean then maybe you should take a look at yourself because you might be her. Not trying to offend anyone because I love my blog family especially my women but for the most part the stupid women don't know they are being stupid. I'm so tired of seeing the scandalous shit that goes on at my job. One girl is buying her so called "boyfriends" love and attention. Another older woman that I'm really close with, she keeps letting her man come and go as he dam well pleases. I mean he is gone for Weeks at a time. Then he comes back and give her a sob story about how he is trying to get his life together and he didn't want to bring drama to her house. I asked her to please consider the possibility that if he is gone for that long and she knows he is used to being with her that maybe he is layed up with another woman. She tells me that she can't even allow herself to think about that because the thought hurts to much. BUT she did admit to me that during on of his "extended" stays when he came back home and stayed for only 2 days and left again she noticed something funky going on and she went to the Dr. to discover she had some type of "infection" and she had to get a shot in the ass. WTF!! She is definitely to old for that bullshit and if that isn't proof that another woman or man is in the picture then I don't know what is. HELLO!! I swear I have at least 3 more unbelieveable scenarios but it just pisses me off to no end so I'm going to cut it short but I will elaborate on things at a later time.

My ex-boyfriend and I have become the best of friends. I'm not talking about "R" I'm talking about Boss. He thinks he is falling in love with this new girl he is dealing with. From what I have heard of her she has my stamp of approval. He needs a certain kind of woman and she seem to have the qualifications that he needs. So far so good. But it's still very new. They are still getting to know each other. I'm hoping she is the kind of woman who stands her ground because he is the kind of guy that will try to walk all over someone if they let him. Plus she is cute and stylish. I know that sound shallow, but that's also some thing he really needs to hold his interest. What can I say I know him like that back of my right hand. I had a whole lot to do with him growing up. And I know what he needs. He told me she is the closest he has ever come to me. I know that also sounds conceited but I know he is looking for a carbon copy of me. Goood luck with that because I am an ORIGINAL. I told "R" that today. I told him that he will never be with no one else like me. He said that's not necesarrily a bad thing. We both fell out laughing. That poor man. He has never really known exactly what to do with me. But he loves me to death. I told him that I know he will never admit that he is missing me so much,but it's ok to miss me. I told him he doesn't have to be ashamed, there is no need to feel like a fool or be mad at himself for missing me. He's only human and he can't help the way he feels. Once again we both fell out laughing, but we also both know that I was right. So I let him get back to work and told him I would talk to him later.

I am really developing a severe sleeping problem. I am a done deal in the day time. I can not get up out of the bed to save my dam life. My hips are hurting because I'm always laying on them. I'm gonna need a dam hip replacement soon! Then around midnight or 1:00 am I get up and do EVERYTHING. I take a shower, put on fresh pajamas, clean my room. Then I go inspect the rest of the house. If things need to be straightened up I do that. Then I start cooking dinner. I know this sounds crazy but I'm dead serious. Once I'm done cooking I enjoy a nice hardy meal. I talk on the phone all night long usually Boss calls me about midnight and we talk throughout the night. I also talk to everyone at my job. Since I work night shift most of my people are up at night because they are at work. Then I find something good to watch on tv. If nothing good is on I will pop in a movie. Then around 6:00am, after I have eaten everything in the kitchen, made sure everything down stairs is straightened up. Then make sure the bathroom is clean so my daughter and sister can get ready for school. I put the food up that I cooked once it cools off so the kids will have it for dinner that night. By this time the sun is starting to creep up and I am ready to take it down until night fall falls again. Unless I have to go to work and that's still not until 7:00 in the evening. Don't get me wrong I get up a few times during the day to put the dog out and feed her. Then I will make myself a sandwhich or something quick to eat then I lay back down. I will wake up to watch my soap operas, then I'm back off to sleep. I am really becoming a freakin' vampire!

Feeling like whatever

2008-02-11T00:34:00.000-08:00

Why does it always take me forever to post a new blog? I have no idea. It's definitely not for lack of conversation. Like the title says, there is always something going on.

Since I was last here I have had a death in the family. One of my aunties had a heart attack. I have been sick and felt like I was brought back from the dead! I'm missing my man like crazy. He Informed me that he is making arrangement to sell his house and move back home to Virginia. My ex-boyfriend has been calling me every day, several times a day. I got a new job. My daughter is about to start working. Now she may also be sick because there is a nasty bug going around and everyone is passing it around.

Honestly I don't even feel like elaborating on anything. But I will give a you a quick briefing.
I'm kinda ok with me and "R" not being together but when I found out he was going to go back to Viginia I was a little stunned! I remeber when we first got back together and we were planning on moving in together and getting married he did tell me that if things did not work out with us then he was going to leave Jersey. Of course I didn't really pay him any attention because I wasn't planning on anything going wrong with us. So now that I know he is really trying to leave I'm quite bothered by that. I understand why he would just pick up and go. He has no ties here and all his immediate family is there so why would he stay here. If I was him I would do the same thing. Especially because for whatever reason that's where I want to be anyway. But I have my daughter to consider. I didn't want to take her away from her dad. So I wanted to move when she turned 18. That way she could make her own decision to stay or go.

Anyway, my dad has 2 sisters and they are my favorite aunts. The oldest one had a heart attach but she is fine. Thank God because I wouldn't be able to handle it if something happened to her right now because she is like a second mother to me and my sisters. My other aunt, her husband had a massive heart attach and he died. He was only 53 and my aunt is only 41. Needless to say she was absolutely devastated. They had been having problems at the time. So you know how people hold guilt if someone dies and the last time they spoke to that person things weren't on good terms. So it was even harder on her. Anyway we got thru the funeral. It was almost 2 weeks ago.

I am starting a new job in March. It is the exact same thing I do at my job and I'm not leaving my job. The only reason I wanted to seek employment somewhere else is because I wanted more stability. I am not regular staff at my job so if I'm not needed they can always cancel me and I won't be able to work. I don't like that because I am a bit of a work-a-holic. But like I said I will still be at my first job. I'm just going to work at both places. I know it sounds like a lot but it's really not. It will actually work out fine.

My daughter's best friend's mom is a manager at Taco Bell so she is going to let my daughter work there on the weekends. I have to get working papers for her and take her for a physical. Then in the summer she will be able to do more hours. My daughter is so excited. She wants to work so bad. I personally think she is to young. But I'm going to let her do it as long as she stays focused in school. She said she is tired of always asking me for so much money. She realized how much I give her. But I don't mind and really she will only be working 2 days out of the week so she will still be hitting me up for money. hahaha

Boss has been calling me everyday. I will admit I enjoy our conversations but that's as far as things go. As a matter of fact he still thinks that me and "R" are going strong. I only did that because I don't want him to start trying to pop up at my house. There isn't anything between us but friendship. I keep encouraging him to be good to his girlfriend. She could be good for him. Eventhough she is just going to let him walk all over her, but whatever. I got my own problems.

A few days ago I think I felt what death must feel like. I'm not even kidding. I was so sick I didn't know what to do with myself. But I guess maybe it was just a 24 hour bug because the next day I was ok then that night I came to work. Hahaha. I know that sound crazy but like I said I'm a workaholic!

Speaking of that, I'm starting to get a little annoyed with myself because my daughter pointed something out to me that I already knew but when she mentioned it I realized how bad it is. She told me that she notices how hard I work, but all I do is sit in the house and go no where. Meanwhile if I see something I want I will buy it then it's just hanging in the closet untouched because I don't go out anywhere anymore. She is so right. Three weeks ago I brought a pair of black leather boots I just had to have them! They are still sitting in the exact same place I put them when I brought them in the house. I have clothes with the tags on them that I won't get a chance to wear because the winter will be over before I decide to go anywhere. It's really getting ridiculous. Tomorrow I'm going to get a pair of Coach sneaker that I need to add to my collection. It will probably be a few months before I wear them. If I go out the house I just throw something real plain on or I have on my scrubs because chances are I'm on my way to work so I have so many clothes that remain untouched.

Anyway that's whats been going on with me. I'm going to try to get back into blogging more. I'm just feeling like blah these days. It could be just I really do hate the winter and I can't wait for the spring to break. It could be i'm feeling some type of way about me and "R". Maybe i'm tired of going to funerals. That's what made me feel some type of way about me and "R" in the first place. Death is so permanent. It makes all the arguements seem petty. Anyway I'm kinda in a funk but I'll be fine :-)

It wasn't meant to be

2008-01-23T22:26:00.000-08:00

I am an very firm believer in karma, destiny, and what is meant to be will be. I believe that He makes no mistakes, and when you do everything you can do and your plan still does not work out the way you want it to it is because that was not His plan for you. With that being said....

I didn't blog almost the whole summer. I believe I kinda left off when I was talking about me and "R" geting back together and I left the bouncer alone. Well a lot happened over the summer. Me and "R" decided we were going to move in together. He was going to renovate whatever needed to be done at my house and I was going to rent it out. We even had a couple of potential tenants. I was practically moved in at the beginning of the summer. We had planned for me to come at the end of the summer because he was keeping his nieces and nephew for the summer. But once my daughter stayed the weekend there and they all got along so well, we all just meshed into one big family. Instantly he went from living by himself to having a "fiance", 4 kids and a dog living with him. But we were happy. The 4th of July we had a big barbeque. We basically introduced each other to our families as our fiance's. So we were functioning pretty much as a married couple. We talked about our wedding. No plans were definite but we got a basic idea of what we wanted. I was working less because I wanted to be home more with the kids and I was barely paying any bills at my house. All I really had to worry about was the mortgage. I offered to pay bills at his house but he didn't want me to. So I just kep food in the house since we were feeding 2 adults and 4 kids daily. Now, the turning point...

At the of July him and one of his friends threw themselves a birthday party. At the party we got into a small arguement and I left. That's not really why I left. I was leaving anyway because I wasn't really feeling all that well. He already knew I would probably be leaving a little early. Anyway I went home, to my house. I layed down for a few hours then when I woke up I got myself together and decided to call him just to check in with him. I wanted to see if he needed a ride home becuae I knew he was drunk as hell. So I called a few times and got no answer then I waited for a call back. Then I called again and he obviously pressed the reject button on his phone because then my calls started to go right to voice mail. That's when I realized he was flat out IGNORING my call. I was pissed. So I got in my car and was on my way back up to the party. As I was parking the car I called once more and again the call prematurely went to the voicemail. So I got out of my car and walked in the bar and there he was sitting there with his phone in his hand. So that meant he was looking directly at the phone, watching me call and just ignoring all my calls. That was the beginning of our problems. As calmly as I could I asked him had he lost his mind. Then I told him to step outside with me. We walked outside and halfway down the block I went the fuck off! I cursed him out from a-z. I didn't care who was around. I told him that if he thought he could ignore me then I could make it easy for him and go to his house, get my shit and take my black ass back home. He said he just didn't want to argue with me and he assumed that was the reason I was calling. I didn't want to hear that excuse because up until that point we had never let an arguement or disagreement carry on. Once we said whatever we needed to say that was the end of it and we kept it moving. I didn't understand why the hell he thought I would call him at his party and argue with him hours later. So that was the beginning of a breakup. He went on and on about how I embarrased him. He was upset because he felt disrespected. He said he like things to always look perfect even if they are not so I should have waited until we got home before I cursed him out. I do not agree with him. I'm not trying to be fake for no one. Furthermore, he should have never, ever decided he wanted to freakin' ignore me. I told him he had no idea where I went after I left the bar. I could have been in trouble and needed him. Something could have happened at the house with the kids. It could have been anything! That's why I was so pissed. On top of that the only reason I was calling was to check on his black ass. So anyway after that our relationship took a turn. I could tell he wanted me to leave so I did. I was very hurt. My daughter ended up going back and stayed until the end of the summer when the kids went home. I would go back and forth as needed but I wouldn't really be around when he was there. I didn't like the way he was treating me. He acted as if I was the very last person he wanted to be around. So after the kids went back home I was really devastated because we didn't go along with our plan to move in together and start planning out the rest of our lives. Eventhough we was on speaking terms there was no intimacy or anything So finally I was tired of feeling like I was bothering him. But most of all he was making me feel like I was the only one that was so into us moving in together and planning a wedding. He made me feel like maybe I was the only one that was really in love. So one day I finally made peace with myself that we wasn't getting back together, and nothing that we talked about was really going to happen. Two days later I met him at my sister's house so he could finally meet my grandmother. She already knew we were broken up but she wanted to meet him anyway. And she was in town for a few days. The next day he went on his camping trip. The whole time he was gone he made sure he text me everyday, a few times a day. Then the night before he came home we basically had a whole conversation in text messages about how much he really does love me but he doesn't like the way I am when I get upset. He said he doesn't like the way I talk to him and the things I say when things get heated. Blah-blah-blah. So when he came home the next day he just acted like everything was everyhting and we were right back together like nothing ever happened. Needless to say I was pissed off about that because I wanted to know how did he just go away and have this epiphany that he still loved me and he did want us to be together. I didn't trust that he was sincere. So anyway I did stay with him but I was quite leary of the relationship. He sensed my hesitation and when we talked about it he told me he understood. Anyway because of my hesitation, eventhough I knew I loved him that was the reason I started my little affair with "C"

To make a long story short (too late). Last week he finally told me the reason he was so upset about that night. It was because he was planning on proposing to me that night. The funny thing is right before my b-day in Nov. I broke up with him. Later that day he text me and showed me a picture of a ring he was planning on giving me for my b-day. He said he was glad his dumb ass didn't give this to me and there was the picture. So I knew there was a ring floating around somewhere but I had no idea he has had that ring ever since July. So like I said at the beginning it doesn't matter what our plan is if it's not what He wants for us then it won't happen. I still love him dearly and I will always love him. I don't regret us getting back together. He has been good to me despite the fact that I kinda think he is a little bi-polar. I'm just happy that it did happen the way it did because we would have made that major move and neither one of us would be happy. And on the other hand if it is in the cards for us then eventually we will find our way back to each other.

Kids Gone Wild!!

2008-01-18T21:30:00.000-08:00

I have more real talk because lately I had another quite startling epiphany. But I need to touch upon a different matter right now. But before I start I want to say that I am not trying to offend anyone so please try to keep an open mind about what I am saying I do understand if you disagree but I'm just giving it to you from my point of view.

My daughter changed schools this year. She now goes to school close to her father. He lives in what I guess is considered the suburbs. I live in the city. My daughter used to go to Catholic school. She was there for 3 years and she has never came home and told me any type of wild stories like she has been recently telling me about what goes on in her school. She is in the 8th grade which means she is only in junior high. But not only does she keep track of what goes on in her school she also keeps track of what goes on in the two high schools surrounding her school. She is able to do this because her best friend goes to one and her step brother goes to the other. The schools are predominently white. So this is a new experience for my daughter and for me. In her old school there was mostly black and spanish kids. Once again, at the risk of offending anyone, these white kids are off the hook! The stuff my daughter tells me really has me concerned. There are plenty of kids smoking marijuana and even mixing it with wet. Now I'm not saying that same thing does not go on in the city schools where there are mostly black kids, but these kids are also taking xanax's. There was a 16 year old girl in the high school that recently overdosed on these pills. Another thing that seems to be popular with them is acid. WTF!! My daughter said this is the first time she has even heard of some of this stuff. I believe her because I know I can't watch her every minute of every day, but I am willing to bet my life that she has not been exposed to these things until she got to this school, and this is considered aa good school. There are a couple of girls there who have been cutting themselves. What type of shit is that? What really gets me is how the hell can your 13 or 14 year old child be getting high on a regular or even semi-regular basis and you as a parent not notice it. I am totally baffled by that. How much freedom do these kids have? Then there are quite a few kids that have tatoos and their parents have no clue. Who the hell is taking these kids to get these tatoos. I mean I know kids are going to get away with some things, but my goodness! The really bad part is it's not just in my daughter's grade. There are younger kids doing the same things because they are following their brothers or sisters. So it's just going right down the line

I told my daughter do not get around them dam kids and loose her mind. I just don't want her to get in that kind of environment and see these kids running wild and decide that's something she wants to try. Because for those who have followed my blog,you guys know I will stomp a mudhole in my child, not think twice about it and dare someone to say something.

I talked to my daddy about my concerns and he assured me that my child knows better than that. He told me that right from wrong has already been instilled in her. She knows she has a strong family foundation and she won't fall into that crowd. I really hope he is right. But regardless I still worry. I know I can't keep her sheltered. I'm actually not trying to do that. Me and my daughter talk a lot about a little bit of everything. But the things that have been going on in the schools are a bit much for me to digest. I just try to keep the lines of communication between me and my daughter open so she can feel free to talk to me about whatever. And ask me questions about anything she doesn't quite understand.

Real Talk

2008-01-10T21:59:00.000-08:00

Every once in a while I will do a post that gives the reader some real insight as to how I think, how I am ect... So this is one of them posts...

Yesterday morning I talked to "C". I was kinda shocked that he called but I was also happy to hear from him. I had called him a few days ago and left him a message. I told him that I was leaving him alone but everything was still cool, I would just see him around. I think I'm just cleaning house since the new year came in. So because I hadn't heard from him I just assumed he wouldn't call and we would just keep it moving. As long as I didn't hear fom him I was ok. But that negro called and I answered the phone.....FUCK!!!

We started talking about the message I left. Why I left it, and why did our relationship go the way it did. There was a lump in my throat the whole time. And even though we often told each other that we love one another and we even talked about locking it down and really being together. I didn't realize just how much I do love him and how much I wanted him. The shit was actually blowing my mind. At first I was holding back. Then he told me if we are going to talk then let's get everything out of the way and really talk. So I told him exactly how I was feeling. Exactly how I feel when I'm with him, on the phone with him, or even just thinking about him. As I was saying it I couldn't really believe it was coming out of my mouth. Once I was done he assured me that the feeling between us is mutual. BUT because I was able to lie to him about my situation with my man. Becaiuse he prides him self on always being able to see past the bullshit, but he had absolutely no clue that I was with anyone else. He said that makes him not able to trust me. He is not trying to be hurt and he was ready for a relationship and we were getting to that point. So now his defense mechanism was to push me away. He also told me that he doesn't understand how I was so in love with my man in the summer and I was so ready to move in with him and we were talking marriage. He said his heart does not work like that. He can't just turn the love on and off. He also told me that this is not the first time we have had this conversation. After I came clean to him about being with my man he told me then that there would not be a monogamous realtionship between us. I told him that when he said that I wouldn't allow myself to believe that. He said, you know me better than that, if I say it, then that's what it is. Anyway I was crushed! So the conversation went on a little while longer then I was getting mad as hell so he said I think we should end this conversation right now. So we hung up and that was that. A few minutes later I text him and told him that he fucked up my whole morning and I didn' t want him to call me again......

Now let me be extremely honest....I got caught up. I knew I had a man and I loved my man, but the passion I felt for "C" was undescribable. I have had some good sex in my day but this was not just about the sex. We connected on so many levels in bed and out of bed. But I'm still confused about whether I really want him because I want to be with him or do I just want him because he's not letting me have him. Y'all know how shifty I can be. One day I'm in love the next day I could care less then I'm back in love again. It's really starting to bother me that I can't get my shit together and make a decision. I have had so many good men, and I am quick to throw them away. What is my problem? There are women out here who would kill to have been fortunate enough to come across the kind of men that I have had. But I can see that this man can probably get anything out of me.

I was reading hoodoo's blog and she said some thing that hit the nail right on the head. She said a man who is sexually mature is the bomb. She said The love of money is the root to all women's evil, but a man who knows how and is willing and able to deliver ecstasy on a consistent-no hold basis, that's where it's at. She ain't neva lied. I was already a friend to him, mildly attracted to him, and curious as hell. So when we finally did what grown folx do and the shit was like it was I dam near lost my mind. So now what?....I heard somewhere that every man you sleep with leaves his essence in you. I don't know about every man, but he has definitely left his essence in me and a permanent stain on my heart.

I see now that I may never know if I wanted him because I wanted a relationship with him, or if I wanted him just because I wanted the sex. But I will forever be Craving Him.

Happy New Year

2008-01-04T01:39:00.000-08:00

I'm sure everyone in blogger land is just dying to know what I did for the new year. So without further ado I will give you blow by blow as the drama unfolds.

Me and my man have been having some problems (so what's new?) Anyway a few days before the new year we had a minor falling out, but as usual he realized this was another arguement fueld by his bi-polarness. So anyway in an attempt to make things right he cooked for us. We had alaskan snow crab legs and jumbo shrimp. It was a real nice, peaceful day that consisted of me laying around on the couch all day before I had to go to work that night. He cooked for us and he presented me with a card that was basically saying he was a bone head and he was sorry for that. He signed it with much love and plenty of kisses. So I was accepting of his apology and I even felt good about us just getting back on track. Epsecially with the new year coming in I was quite hopeful that things would just smooth out between us.

Anyway, on new years eve we decided that we would be in separate places since I wanted to go to my church and he wanted to go to his church. We were both ok with that and we agreed to call each other after the new year came in. So after church I called him and he sounded a little annoyed. So finally I asked him what the hell was his problem because he had been acting a little funny all day. At first I tried to ignore it because I knew he wasn't feeling well, but at this point he was starting to get on my freakin' nerves. So I finally got him to open up about what was wrong with him. He started ranting and raving about something I had said a few days ago. But I thought all that was resolved since we had already made up. Then he starts going on and on about why the hell didn't I get an extra set of keys for my house for him. I just explained to him that there was no reason except for the fact that I have been busy. I have been working a lot with getting ready for the holidays and even though it was after Christmas it had just slipped my mind. Well nothing I said was good enough. My little sister had to borrow his keys because she stays with me now. But I was supposed to replace his keys once I realized she was going to be with me permanently. So anyway he finally said he didn't even want any keys at this point. So by now I am beyond pissed. Not just because he claims he doesn't want the keys but because I can not believe this is our first conversation of the new year. He was just kissing my ass because he was being an asshole just a few days before this. So something in me just clicked, and I realized this would be the very last arguement we would have. So I told him I was on my way to his house to bring him his keys. He told me not to come but I told him I was also coming because I had something to tell him.
When I got there he was sitting on the steps waiting for me. I came in and closed the door. I took his key off my key ring and placed it on the table. I told him I came over for one reason and one reason only. I told him I wanted the pure satisfaction of telling him this to his face. I told him that when he was going thru my phone and he called "K" he should have called "C" because that is who I have been FUCKIN' ever since September. And eventhough I know he is sitting there trying to act like he doesn't care I know he does. I told him I know he is crumbling inside, because EVERYBODY knew except for him. Then I said have a happy new year, and by the way get some rest because you look a little tired. I walked out, and slammed the door. I can not explain how good I felt. Because I was so sick of him I didn't know what to do with myself.

After that I got on the road and headed to my cousin's house. He has a new years eve party every year and it is always the place to be. He definitely throws the best house party. There was a DJ, the food was catered and in the bathtub it was filled with ice and every single thing you wanted to drink was in there.

As soon as I walked in one of the first people I seen was "D".If anyone remembers him then you know he was like a thorn in my side. After I dealt with him I couldn't stand him because he wouldn't just leave it alone. Anyway, he jumped up and hugged me and for the rest of the night he made sure he was in my general vicinity. He got on my nerves just a little bit but he was kinda cool so I didn't make a big deal out of it. I think the thing that was killing him was the fishnet stockings. Maybe it was the patent leather peep toe shoes. Or it could have been the Victoria Secret skirt with the split all the way up the front of the leg on the left side. Maybe it was the leather jacket with the matching leather gloves with the gold studs with the leather pocketbook to match the gloves, also with the gold studs. I'm sorry but babygirl was looking too good. So sexy and sophisticated. I'm sure that was the first thing my man noticed when I walked in the door. He had to be paying attention to how fucking good I was looking as I completely broke his heart and destroyed his ego.

Anyway I didn't drink much at all. I had only a half bottle of Champagne and I had all my wits about me. "D" was a little disapointed because he thought we were going to rekindle something but I wasn't having it. I got home about 4:45 am and I went to bed a very satisfied woman.

My motto for the "08".....Fuck It!!

Craving Him

2007-12-10T18:01:00.001-08:00

I'm so sorry I can't help it but dayyum, my body is fiending for my "friend" We are both going thru withdrawl. I do believe at first he was purposely keeping me at arms length because he was mad when he found out me and my man were still together. But now that he is over the initial shock he is missing me. But our work schedules are just to conflicting. We both have been putting in way too much time in the work place. Then in his spare time he has his children. That's something I absolutely love about him. He called me Sunday morning and he was making breakfast with the kids. They sounded so cute together. My heart was just melting.

Dam, I'm mad that I came clean about everyhting. I should have kept lieing. You know you can't have anything real with the person you are cheating with because they will never trust you. I can completely understand because If he was with his baby-mamma (that is so ghetto) and he was lieing to her and cheating on her with me I would never be able to trust him if he was trying to be serious with me. He always used to tell me that I knew way too much to be a female. He said I play the game like a man does. I'm not proud of that. I'm not really trying to play any games. I really wish I could take back that first night.

He was so hard headed. The whole time we were just friends and we flirted with each other from time to time. But I knew something was brewing. He thought I was just tripping. He admitted that he cared about me but when I told him he cared more than what he thought he did he didn't want to hear that. He wanted to know how I had the audacity to tell him how he feels. But I knew, he just didn't know it yet.

He called me one night out of the blue and said, "I'm ready" That was all I needed to hear. I got directions and I was on my way to his house. We talked, we drank, we fucked. Then we slowed it down and made love. It was a hell of a night. Well, that one night brought us to where we are now. Secret Lovers.

This is the bullshit that men do and us women are always devastated, and we want to know how can he claim that he love you so much then have a relationship with someone else. Not just sex but a whole relationship. All the while they do love their girlfriend and would do anything for her and want to see her happy and maybe even wants to marry her. Well, that's how I feel. My man is the best and I would never want to hurt him. I always want to be with him. I hope to be his wife one day. But right now I can't help that my body is craving my "friend"

I know y'all think I'm crazy but join the club. Some think I'm crazy. Some think I'm cold and heartless. But whatever.

SICK AND TIRED

2007-12-05T19:26:00.000-08:00

Sick and tired of everyone and everything. I'm sick of my brothers and sisters and my daughter and her bone head dad. Then when I start blacking out and yelling and screaming everyone is looking at me like I got 2 heads. Not too long ago everybody started loosing their minds. My sister is now having a real rude awakening about life. She had been unemployed for 3 months. She wanted to get fired from her job because she wanted a new one, because she was too comfortable to just up and quit. So she knew if she got fired it would make her find another job. But if she quit she couldn't collect unemployment. I know this sounds stupid but this was her logic, not mine. So she got fired and was dead broke. Then one day she had the nerve to say I guess I should have been saving money instead of shopping all the time since I knew I was trying to get fired. DUH!!! Then come to find out she was extremely backed up in her rent and her and my little-little sister had to move out. So they put everything in storage (I payed for) and moved out of their place) So that meant she went to our daddy's house and my little-little sister came with me. Now meanwhile back at the ranch, my little brother had moved in with me at the end of the summer. I knew that wasn't going to last because he really does not want to get himself together. So he was there for almost three months.

One morning after getting off of work I came home and there was a condom in my toilet. He tried to give me some bogus story about his little friend must have disposed of it after they left the girl's house. So I'm supposed to believe that he had it on him and waited until they were at my house and used my bathroom. DUH!! I must be some type of fool. But apparantly my little brother was the fool because now he is boarderline homeless. He is no longer staying with me. He thinks there is a conspiracy against him because we are telling him he needs to pack up and go to Missouri with our brother. My brother is his only hope of becoming a halfway descent man. My brother will be able to do with him what his daddy could not do because he simply never tried. But whatever.

Anyway, like I was saying, my little-little sister is living with me and my daughter. It's been ok for the most part. The other day her boyfriends car broke down and it is in the shop. At first I thought the reason it was taking so long to get fixed was because there was a money issue. I was about to offer to help him pay for it. Because now my sister has been begging me to take her to school. He used to be there every single morning to get her to school. For some strange reason my little sister has not even attempted to catch the bus. The reason that is really strange to me is because just a month ago when her and the other sister was living tgether she was getting up in the morning and catching the bus so now I want to know what the hell has changed from one house to the other. The other morning my daughter was home and I had to take her to school. So I had to make two different trips in two different directions. This is after I worked a 12 hour shift over night. The last thing I want to do is be in traffic in the morning taking kids to school. Usually when I take my daughter to school I go to my man's house to get in bed because he lives down the highway from her school and there is no traffic going his way. So because I had to turn around and come back my way it was a pain in the ass. My daughter has to be to school at 8:ooam and my sister at 8:20. It is a real pain in the ass.

Then the other day my man called me and told me to come and look at this Christmas tree he got for me. His job had 50 trees delivered to them for free and they gave them out to needy families for the kids that attend the club. Anyway he put the best tree aside for me and he wanted to know if I liked it because I am quite picky about my trees. Anyway, out of the kindness of my heart I told him to take it to my daddy's house for my sister. She had been arguing with my dad about him letting her get a tree. She said he finally gave in. But I knew he wasn't going to just go out and buy one and I know she didn't have the money yet to get her tree so I gave my perfectly plump tree to her. Now I will still have to brave the cold weather and pay at least $30 to get me a tree. I was so pissed off and I wanted my tree back. Then on top of that I had to go and pay her storage bill because it was due and there was a late fee tacked on. I was a little annoyed over that. Then tonight she text me and asked me could she borrow $100. Hell no, I'm sick and tired. There is more to this story but it's starting to get a little long winded and I'm starting to get a little pissed. So I will give you the rest a little later. Let me calm myself first.

But before I go. I just want to say that on a brighter note. Me, my man and my "friend" are doing good. Hahaha. Me and my man are planning on having a wonderful holiday together. Meanwhile my "friend" has informed me that he loves me and until I decide to stop being bothered with him he will be around. I told him that I feel the same way about him. So I guess our little love affair wll go on as long as we want it to. But I know that my man is my #1 priority.

Que sera sera (what will be will be)

2007-11-27T22:14:00.000-08:00

Apparantly you can't have your cake and eat it too. But if I got cake what the fuck I'm supposed to do?!?

Anyway, I have not seen "C" in forever. But we talk often. But not to long ago my man went thru my phone and called one of my ex's. It's funny because the one they suspect your cheating with is never the one you are actually cheating with. So after that incident I decided to come clean with "C" Because my man mentioned his # also being in my phone but he didn't really pursue it to much. So I wanted to tell "C" what was going on just in case my man called him.

De'javu.....When we were together the first time I called some chick in the middle of the night and asked her straight up was she fucking my man. She said no I didn't believe her. She called him in the morning to tell him what happened and he called me. I didn't care and I felt like I was well in my rights to call her. So now the tables have turned and he just did the same shit to me. Isn't he to old for that? Anyway...

Me and "C" will never be right again. He doesn't trust me. He has every right to feel that way. But I didn't tell him about me and my man at first because if we would have gotten serious I would have left "R" Plus anything that is done at the beginning of a relationship is forgiven, especiallly because we were only having sex. Nothing was official yet. Whatever...

I believe he is upset because he had no clue I was still with my man. He does not understand how I was always there when he called and he never suspected "R" was still in the picture. He's mad because I'm good at what I do.

We talked earlier today. I already gave up on us but now it's really a done deal. I'm not even going to sleep with him again. But we did let each other know how we really feel about each other. We know that we can never be together but our friendship is still strong. Usually sex ruins the friendship but we care about each other way to much not to still be on each other's side. But I probably won't talk to him as often as I do. But if he ever needs anything I will be there for him and vice-versa.

Parting is such sweet sorrow.

PS. I just proof read this and in my mind I'm thinking...This is some dumb shit. If I was reading this from someone else I would think this chick is a stupid whore. How could she think that she could start a real relationship with someone who is just fucking her. And if her and her man have a trust issue why the hell are they together. The whole thing just sound so juvenile.
Be that as it may, this is what's going on.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

2007-11-22T02:36:00.001-08:00

I just want to wish everyone a Happy Turkey Day. I don't really have to much to say. This is my favoridest holiday and I can't wait to sit down and eat later. So I hope eveyone's Thanksgiving is filled with Thanks and Giving :-) Have a great day and please, whatever you do, EAT TOO MUCH!!

Got My Lips All Set!

2007-11-19T21:32:00.000-08:00

You ever had your lips all set? Well, I just came from Wa-Wa and my lips were all set for a banana nut muffin and the dam guy who delivers the fresh donuts and muffins hadn't been there yet. I purposely waited until 11:30 pm to go over there because I know he comes around 11:00. I figured I had given him enough time to deliver the goods. Apparantly I was wrong. So now my dilemma is do I leave work again a little later on, and brave the cold, damp weather for a fresh muffin?

Earlier tonight I also had my lips set for some cake. I have a whole cake over my man's house that I haven't even cracked open yet. I can just taste it melting in my mouth.
Another thing I got my lips all set for is some turkey! Thanksgiving is my favoridest holiday :-) I can not wait to sink my teeth in all that food. My dad has been prepping food since Saturday. That man does not play around when it comes to cooking Thanksgiving dinner. Everything is always so scrumptious. But one thing in particular I got my lips all set for is the Cream-sicle cake. OMG!!! It is to die for. Every year we have a birthday cake. It's a big sheet cake and it has everyone's name on it who has a birthday in November. But it's always a different flavor every year. So this year I put in my request early for the cream-sicle cake. We had it a few years ago and it was a huge hit with the locals. I keep telling my man how good it is and he absolutely loves sweets so now he is looking forward to it almost as much as I am. I definitely have passion for sweets. I told my grandmom I would cut her a big piece and freeze it until she gets down here for Christmas. Oh btw.. in case you are wondering, yes, it tastes just like the cream-sicle ice cream bars. If you like them then you will love this cake.

Anyway I hate when I have a taste for something and I can't get it. That pisses me off!

Just shooting the breeze

2007-11-12T03:12:00.000-08:00

I'm tired. I worked 56 hours last week and I plan on working the same this week also. Saturday I was off work and me and my man got out for a little while. We went to the mall. Did a little shopping. Then we went to eat. Outback steakhouse. The food was good. We talked about the way we met and he said if I would have met him in a club I probably would not have paid him any attention. I told him that was not true. He said he would not have approached me because he doesn't have any game and that's not his style. I told him that I would have approached him. He was a little surprised I said that. I told him the only reason I didn't directly approach him when I first seen him was because it wasn't appropriate. Whenever I saw him I was picking up my child from the afterschool program. I couldn't seem like some desperate, loose single mother trying to put the moves on the athletic director. But if we had seen each other across a crowded room in a club I would have definitely made my way over to him to flirt. First of all he is what I look for when I'm out on the prowl for a man :-) Seriously, he is big as hell just like I like my men. Whenever there is a big man in the vicinity I take notice. I absolutely love big guys. And my man is massive. When he walks into a room everyone takes notice. He has actually gotten bigger since the first time we were together 3 years ago.

We are on the same page as far as being totally attracted to each other. We have even admitted that part of what keeps us from leaving each other is because we lust after each other. I am always turned on when I look at him and vice-versa. Plus we look good together. Anyhoo....

Today my daddy is coming home from Missouri (is that spelled right?) He went to see my brother's new house. I talked to him and my step mom yesterday and they were ranting and raving about it. I'm so happy for him. He deserves to live that way since he has risked his life twice in Iraq. We just found out that his wife has to go back in May. This will be her 2nd tour. So the family will get together before then and we will all go to visit them before she leaves. I want to cut that short because I don't want to talk about that................ So anyway Friday was my daddy's birthday and my brother and his wife barbequed for him and brought him all types of gifts. I really can't imagine what the hell they bought him when the man has everything. But they had a cake and sang happy b-day and got drunk. I will be honest, I was torn. On one hand I was jealous as hell because my daddy was there instead of here for his b-day. Then on the other hand I was so happy that my brother got a chance to see him on his b-day. That almost never happens since my brother is in the service. But my dad had a good time and that's all that mattered. So today me and my sister will be picking him up from the airport around noon and we are all going to go to lunch. I can't wait to see the old man. Well that's it for now. I'll holla at y'all later.

At the movies

2007-11-03T02:16:00.001-07:00

I know I'm real late but I finally went to see, Why did I get married. It was good but I guess because I had heard so much about it my expectations were extremely high. But I really did enjoy it. It was a little unrealistic. Jill Scott's character was not even believable. I refuse to believe there are women out there who's self-esteem is really that low. I can't imagine me getting off the plane without my husband and actually driving by my lonesome all the way up to the freakin mountains or wherever the hell they were. While he is on a plane with my best friend. And neither one of them offered to get off the plane and come with me. There is no way. Another thing that could not happen is my true friends knowing for sure that some other floozy is sleeping with my man and they do not pull me to the side and immedietly tell me what's going on. I would have been mad at all them hussies for having me looking like a fool by going out shopping with her and telling her all my business and all the while she is laying up with my man under my nose. I would not hesitate to tell my girl that her husband was cheating on her.

Anyhoo.. The ghetto girl in the movie, Y'all know who I'm talking about. She reminded me of me. I was sitting there in pure amazement at how her character captured the very essence of me. I was sitting there with Diamonds and we were falling out laughing because everything that came out of her mouth was something I would have said and just the way I would have said it. Even when I was at work a few people told me they thought of me whenever she was in rare form.

But overall I did enjoy the movie even though I paid $7.75 for a freaking matinee. I was absolutely floored when she told me the price of the movie. Why the hell does a matinee cost so dam much. Then the girl that work there had the absolute nerve to tell me she gets to see all the movies for free but she doesn't watch them because she is not really into movies like that. I looked at her like she had two heads. I told her she better take advantage of that because what they are charging is highway robbery. I'm considering getting a part time job there just so my family and friends came come to the movies for free because soon I won't be able to afford the movies.

Oh well!!

2007-10-22T02:51:00.000-07:00

I'm not one of those goody-goody girls. I do what I want to do when I feel like doing it. Oh well!!

He went to his homecoming. He said he was going to come home that night but I kinda didn't expect him to. So I went to see "C". About midnight he called me and I ignored his call. About an hour later he called again. I ignored his call. I stayed all night with "C" The next morning while I was on my way home I called my man. He made small talk for a littlle while then he asked me when did I get home last night because he came past my house on his way home. I told him I was on my way home as we speak. I'm sure he took a minute to note that it was 11:30 am. He said where did you stay. I told him I stayed with my girlfriend. Click! He hung up on me. I called him back a couple times and he wouldn't pick up. So before I went to work I went to his house. He was sitting there watching tv and eating crabs. Just chillin. Of course I made sure I disrupted that whole scene. We argued because he was ignoring me. He bitched about me not coming home all night. I told hm to get over it. Then I was tired of the back and forth bickering so I asked him bottom line, Are you done with me? He couldn't answer that question. Part of him wanted to say yes because he was hurt. The other part of him is not sure whether or not I'm telling the truth about where I stayed so he doesn't want to cal it quits just yet. I told him I don't like shit being in limbo. If you are done say, you're done but you won't have me wondering if we are together or not. He was so pissed off he didn't know what to do with himself. Before I left he was telling me that he just needed time alone. He said he was just really pissed off and he really wanted to choke the shit out of me. He also told me that he loved me and he would call me tomorrow.

No mattter what he wants to do I'm ok with that. If we break up he won't have to ever worry about me again. If we stay together I'll just continue doing what I'm doing. I will just deal with it one episode at a time.

Trying to right a wrong and still did wrong

2007-10-12T02:24:00.000-07:00

Lately I know I have been being a little bitchy towards my man. For instance he had tickets for us to go to a show on Sunday. I caught an attitude because I found out who we were supposed to be going with. So I decided not to go. That afternnon before we were supposed to leave he called me and asked was I going and I told him no. I told him to have a good time and I would see him later. Needless to say he was pissed. I even had the nerve to call him back and ask him did he want me to come over later on that night. He was like "whatever" Anyway, when he got home we talked and because he had a little liquor in him he let me know how disappointed he was. I kinda felt bad but "whatever" It was over and done and it wasn't anything I could do to change the fact that I didn't go. So a few days later we had a small disagreement about something and I told him that everyday I realize he is not "the one" He was pissed about that. So the next day after I got off work and got some sleep (remember I work over night) I got up and decided I was going to do something nice for him. So I went to the liquor store (it's always good to have liquor when your trying to butter some one up). Anyway I got him some cold beers and got myself some smirnoff ice. I went to the grocery store to get the ingredients I needed for dinner. I went over to his house and I started preparing everything. I made dinner. I took a pound cake and sliced it up and placed it on a cake dish. I lit every single candle in the house, and there are quite a few candles, I turned on the radio to the quiet storm. And I simply waited for hin to come home. When he got there he was surprised. The first thing he asked me was what did he do to deserve this. I told him that I realized I have been a bad girlfriend lately. We sat down and ate, and talked which is something that we really needed to do. We cleared the air on a few things. Apologized for a few things. Agreed on a few thing and disagreed on a few things. Afterwards we had desert, pound cake with vanilla ice cream on top of it and chocolate syrup drizzled on top. It was delicious. Then we cleaned up sat back had a few more drinks and enjoyed some good music. About an hour and a half later we were off to bed. (get your minds out of the gutter, we didn't do anything) We fell asleep in each others arms. It was really sweet.

About an hour and a half into our sleeping my phone rang. Instantly I knew who it was because of the ring tone. So once I got myself together and picked up the phone it had went to voice mail so I sat up, rolled out of bed and went down stairs to call him back. I know that was dead wrong but I couldn't help myself. I needed to hear his voice. So there I was down stairs on my man's couch and talking to my secret lover. He never ceases to amaze me. I told him that I was going to stop over analyzing our relationship and just go with the flow. He said he was happy to hear that, now he can concentrate on spending more time with me instead of worring about me trying to find reasons for us not to be together. He told me that even though he didn't want to admit it he has thought about us actually being in a relationship. Because I know him so well and I know his situation. He said he just doesn't want to feel like he is being forced into something, That has happened to him before, and it kinda snowballed into something that he didn't anticipate and he tried to make the best of it but in the end it failed miserable. Anyway I was shocked to hear that he actually has thought about us in a relaionship. I know that sounds crazy since I did describe the kind of passion we have between us, but we had kinda agreed that what happens in the bedroom would go no futher than that. So we talked for a while. We were both getting a little hot and bothered so we decided to say good night. I was glad that he had a house guest staying with him so he didn't press the issue of me coming over because I was already with my man and like I mentioned before, he doesn't know I'm still with my man. So anyway after he said good night he also said I love you. Once again that shocked me because that is just bedroom talk. It doesn't mean that when we say it we don't mean it. But when you start saying it at the end of phone conversations or at the end of every visit or just in the middle of the day for no reason it just starts to seem more real. Does that sound stupid? I don't know if it makes sense to y'all but it makes sense to me. Anyhoo...

Couldn't keep it to myself any longer

2007-10-06T23:02:00.000-07:00

If I would have known the sex was going to be this good I would have f*#ed him ions ago. Why can't things just be as simple as, he likes me, I like him so we just do the dam thing. Nope. It has to be as complicated as I love him, he loves me but our affair is taboo. And there is no way we should be together. F*#ck!!! Why am I lieing to him and telling him that me and my man are not together? I have never lied to him before about anything. But there was no way I could tell him that I got back with him after he put me out. Ok, maybe it wasn't that drastic. It wasn't like he packed my shit and put me out in the cold. He just simply told me he wanted his space back and this wasn't working for him anymore. Whatever. That's another story and that's not the one I'm telling right now.

I'm telling a tale of passion, lust, love good laughs, and great sex. That's everything I have with him. Because he thinks I'm no longer with my man, he keeps telling me he thinks I'm on the rebound. So I asked him, "If you think I'm on the rebound with you then what's your excuse for being with me?" His response. "Because I love you." "Well, I love you too and that's why I'm dealing with you." Right now I'm getting what I need from him. It's what I'm lacking in my relationship. Don't get me wrong I love my man. But I am now 100% sure that he will never be my husband. But the reason I am still with him is because he is really a good man and good men are extremely hard to come by in this day and age. So I will stay with him and be the best girlfriend I can possible be towards him. But I keep him at a distance because he has some issues that he really truely needs to work out. But as I was saying "C" is giving me what I need. I guess we are really giving it to each other. I can be the carefree, comical, sweet, energetic, passionate, sexually inhibited person that I am. We have a comfort zone that is so amazing. Everything with us is just so free flowing. The sex is some of the best I've ever had in my life. We actually make love to each other. I'm talking about the tender touching. The staring into each other's eyes. The passionate kisses. The whispers of I love you's. The running the fingers thru the hair. The neck sucking, finger sucking, hair pulling, soft moaning, sweat dripping, tears rolling. And finally the climaxing TOGETHER!!.......
Then laying there side by side with cum soaked sheets. Trying to catch our breath. Dead silence between us, except for the soft sound of slow jams in the background. He rolls over on his side, while I lay on my back. He strokes the side of my face, plays in my hair, asks me am I alright. "Yes" He pulls me close to him, I lay on his chest, he kisses my forehead and says good night baby. I say good night. A few minutes later I say tell me you love me. He lifts my chin up so I am facing him. He looks me in my eyes and says I love you. I say I love you too and we are off to sleep.

Check yourself first

2007-05-19T18:59:00.000-07:00

It's a shame how people are so untrusting. They are so quick to see the negative in a situation, not the positive. they are so quick to try and rain on your parade. So quick to make negative comments, way before they have anything positive to say. I too, used to be one of those people.

The problem is either one of two things. 1) Either they are someone who have been constntly lied to at one time. Constantly decieved. Constantly hurt. So that makes them not trusting of anyone or anything. It makes them approach every siuation with much caution.

Or...2)They are the ones who have been constantly decieveing. Always misleading someone into believing their "version" of the truth. Always trying to run a scam on someone. So that makes them more aware of how sneaky people can be. This is the category I fall into.

These are the only reason's why I can think that everytime I say something good about "R" there is someone there with their nose turned up and looking at me like I'm crazy for believing that he is all he is cracked up to be. I'll tell you what is really funny to me. As a matter of fact it is down right hilarious....Some of these same people of whom I speak of are the same exact people who have, on more than one occasion have seeked advise from me regarding a problem they were experiencing in their own relationships. That's why I don't understand, if they thought I was wise enough to give them advise then why do they all of a sudden think I'm slippin and I'm about to be caught up in a mess.

Right now he is out of town. As soon as people found out he was going out of town there were comments about how much ass he would be getting while he was gone. I just laughed at that. I always tell him he better be on his best behavior but the truth is I don't really think I have to worry about that. I have only been acting up about him being out of town because I miss him so much that I don't know what to do with myself. I still talk to him everyday or we text each other throughout the day. I know he is missing me just like I'm missing him.

The point is I just can't believe how people are so quick to try and kick dirt on you and your happiness. But like I said, it just has to be because they have either been lied to so much or they have lied so much. But as I always say. WHATEVER!

IT'S OFFICIAL

2007-05-13T02:34:00.000-07:00

we had our talk a few days ago and we are making it official. Let me tell you what happened...

Thursday I went down his house to do some laundry since I was having technical difficulties at my house. He had no problem with leaving the key under the mat for me . He even called me and told me he needed me down there early because he was having a fence delivered. Anyway while I was there I talked to him about staying all night and he told me to bring my daughter also. So when I picked my baby up I asked her if she wanted to come with me and she said yes. So we went to the supermarket to get everything we needed to make spaghetti. When we got down there he was already there. My daughter changed her clothes, did her homework then we started cooking. She really did most of the cooking. Me and my man was enjoying a drink while sitting on the couch watching some tv. Anyway when she was done we all sat down together and had dinner. Afterwards he cleaned up while me and my baby was chillin'. Afterwhile my daughter decided to call it a night and she went to bed. We had to get up early anyway so I could take her to school. So not to long after that we went to bed. Before we even got into anything I told him I wanted to talk to him. He knew it was coming and he was ready to talk. Instead of getting into word for word what was said I'll just give the jist of it...We decided that even though we care about the other people we were dealing with we want to be together. He has been dealing witht his chick a little longer than what I thought. He said in the last couple of months she has been wanting to get serious and be there all the time. So I explained to him that I want something serious. He said he knew that. So I asked him why is he willing to be serious with me and not with her. He explained to me that although he care about her and she is a really good person he just doesn't love her. He said that he does love me and he wants someone in his life and he wants that someone to be me (good answer!!)
He also asked me why all of a sudden I want to be so serious. I explained to him that once we talked about what happened in our realtionship and why we broke up it didn't seem like it was really a good reason. I also told him that since we started dating again everything seems so right. It feels so natural. And now I feel like I finally have a chance to act on what I feel for him because by the time I figured out I loved him the first time our realtionship was already ending. So I never got a achance to explore those feelings and apparantly they haven't gone away because we are right back where we started but it just seems so familiar and yet so different. We have a better open line of communication. I also pointed out the fact that my daughter was sleeping down the hall in the guest bedroom. I would not have her stay all night with me if I wasn't serious about our relationship. It's one thing to bring her to his house with me but for her to stay all night is something else. I even told him that the guy I'm dealing with is a sweetheart but I owe it to myself to see where we can take this. So once we got all that out of the way it was a done deal. We both knew we had to cut them loose because right now all we can focus on is each other.

The next day me and my daughter stayed with him again. It just feels like home being there. He wasn't home, but I noticed that he had my clothes folded in neat little piles and I loved it. So anyway me and my daughter got in his bed and watched tv until we fell asleep. By the time he got home she had already went into the other room and when I woke up he was walking in the door. I can't even explain how I felt waking up and seeing him standing across the room getting undressed. He slid into bed and gently pulled me close to him and kissed me on the back of my neck. He said, "Babe I called you and text you" I told him I had been sleeping. I asked him if he knew I was there. He said "No I didn't know you was hear but I was hoping you was". With that we just peacefully fell asleep.

I forgot to mention I had called the bouncer that night and I finally told him. I really wanted to tell him in person but I just didn't want to go thru the hassel of having him come all the way to my house just so I could tell him I was leaving him alone. He actually took it much better than I expected. He was real cool about it. I mentioned to him that it had been going on for 2 weeks but I knew I had to finally tell him because we promised we wouldn't play games with each other. I told him I didn't want to try to juggle both of them. He said he aprreciated that. He said that he has been thru a lot in the past and he will be fine even though he is disappointed. He thanked me for being honest, and told me that if I ever want to talk I can call him any time. And with that we hung up. I felt bad because I really did like him. He really was sweet as hell and we had a lot in common. I feel like I got him all into the idea of us and us moving to Va. in the future. But I never expected this to happen.

So anyway me and "R" are back together and stronger than ever and I am so looking forward to our life together.

BTW... I definitely have to give a shout out to all the mothers. Happy Mother's Day!

Maybe I need to give more details

2007-05-09T20:34:00.000-07:00

Since I got such a strong response from my blog sistahs I wanted to reply to what everyone is saying about me and "R". First let me say that I aprreciate everyone's opinion on the situation. Everyone seemed to be quite concerned and that really made me feel the love :-).

Maybe I should have been a little more specific about my plans with "R". When I said I plan on moving in with him I meant in about another year. I'm not packed up and ready to go like right now. I'm just thinking long term. Eventually that is something I want to happen. That is after we officially get back together and we are going strong for a while. I didn't mean for you guys to think I was just about to give up everything right now and just move myself into his house. I'm not crazy. I am aware of how I do get bored with men.

Now as far as this other woman. I feel like everyone is being too critical. But I guess I do understand everyone's concern. Please keep in mind that I am still actively dealing with the bouncer. Also keep in mind that it has only been 2 weeks since me and "R" even started dating again. Note the word "dating" that's all we are doing. So therefore it is not unusual for him to have someone else around. He was up front with me from the very beginning. Just like he was honest with me the first time we was together. He hasn't given me any reason not to trust him. Once we have "the talk" about where our relationship is going then we will deal with us getting rid of the other people. We have already talked about the things we plan on doing over the summer. I already have full access to him and his house. It's like I never even left. I don't even know when or if he has found the time to be with her. As a matter of fact I will see him tomorrow and we are going to really have a heart to heart. Plus I need to figure out what's going on because when me and the bouncer started dating we promised each other that we wouldn't play any games. He can kinda sense something is going on but I keep assuring him that everything is cool. I don't like lieing to him like that. If this was back in the day when I just didn't give a fuck about anyone's feeling then I wouldn't feel bad. But I'm older and much more mature and I'm not into hurting people anymore. That shit just ain't cute. But the real reason is because I think the bouncer might be just a tad bit dangerous. He has stalker tendencies. And I can tell that he can definitely have a temper. He claims he is a reformed crazy, derainged, jealous person but I can still see traces of that person lurking around. "R" can definitely be a beast also. He is so calm and cool. But if he gets mad, it's all over. He told me he only has 2 gears. He goes from calm to the Hulk. There is no in between. So that's the reason he tries to let everything roll off his shoulders.

With those two types of men I don't need shit to come to a head.

But anyway I just wanted to clear up the reason why he still has someone around. But like I already said, she is not a threat to me. I know how he feels about me. Not only that I know that I kinda hurt him the first time. But like Luther said, Love will be there, better than ever, the second time around. Come on now don't act like you don't know what song I'm talking about :-)

When I get engaged I'll be sure to invite all my blog sistahs to the wedding. Keep looking out for your invitation.

Just going with the flow

2007-05-08T17:07:00.000-07:00

Same shit different day.....

Having a problem with PSE&G. Them bastards always trying to cut off my electric. I know the bill stays high as hell but Dayyum!!! How they gonna do a sistah dirty like that? I'm trying to do the right thing by staying legal but let's face it, I do live in the city and I have access to some pretty resourceful people. I know you know what I mean. I got dude's # on speed dial for these type of situations. I try to walk a straight and narrow path but something's gotta give.

Whatever......

I have been spending as much time as possible with "R" (that sexy bastard). My daughter has been staying with her dad. I'm about to take her to "R's" house with me. She is skeptical about staying there with me because she feels like she doesn't want to be a bother. We both assured her she is more than welcome to stay there with us. I figure maybe we should all stay together and get comfortable since I plan on moving in with him. Seriously. I'm never going to let him go again. We can move into his place and he can come to my house and renovate everything and we can rent it out. That will be extra income for both of us. I think that's a great idea. What do you think? That way I can still always have a place to go if things don't work out with us. Don't get me wrong, I plan on making this really work. One thing about me is I might be impulsive about stupid shit like buying a pair of expensive ass shoes. Or taking a quick weekend trip. I might even be impulsive about jumpimg in the car with a total stanger and going somewhere with him. BUT I would not do some crazy shit on a wim that involves my daughter. I have been talking to my baby about the possibility of me and "R" getting really serious. She just shakes her head in disbelief. She doesn't really think I am willing to give up my "freedom" and move in with someone else. She thinks I want to be single forever. I will admit that was the original plan. But things change. The heart wants what the heart wants. And my heart wants his sexy ass! The funny thing is that my daughter is partially responsible for us getting together. I don't remember if I mentioned this before. But for those who do not know how me and "R" met. He was the athletic instructor at this program my daughter was in. The first time I seen him I was like, "Ummm. who is that?" I asked my daughter who he was. She told me who he was and I told her I wanted him. She just laughed at me. It was just me and her having typical "girl talk" She told me he didn't want me because he was happily married and he had grown kids. So anyway one day she went to him and told him that I liked him. He kinda took it from there. He had one of the women that he worked with, and actually she was real cool with me and my daughter, she invited me to his splash party. I didn't go but a few days later she gave me his #. I didn't call him for a while. But when I finally did call I was so happy I did. And the rest,as they say,is history!

So now what?......

Gotta get rid of whoever the heifer is he is dealing with now. Shouldn't be that hard. I got rid of his heifer the last time. Sh was a little ticked off but what can I say. I play for keeps. I wanted him so I had to have him. When he told me about her I was a little upset then I flat out told him I wasn't worried becasue he was going to be mine. I told him the exact same thing today. We both know where this is headed. Especially since we have been spending all our free time together. I'm not leaving any room for her to even see him. I already left my toothbrush there and tomorrow I will be going over there in the morning to wash clothes, while he is at work. I will leave some things there that I may need. So I won't have to keep packing when I go over there. I know it sounds like I'm being coniving and manipulative but actually he suggested that I have my own stuff there. He wants me to invade his space as much as I want to invade it.

ps. He told me he is going to install a pole in the bedroom so I can dance for him. Just so you know...I'm all with that. I will be sliding, shimmying and swinging all over that pole for him
(that was probably to much info. but I just felt the need to share that)

I just don't know.

2007-05-03T01:27:00.000-07:00

I'm so sick in the head, but I don't now what to do about it. I admit I have a problem but I am unaware of how to fix it. Then I have people telling me there isn't anything wrong with me. They say this is just how I am and there isn't anything wrong with that. I don't know maybe I'm just trippin' right now.

I know I'm about to break it off with the bouncer. He's not officially my man but we definitely have something going on. Why am I about to break up with him you ask? Because I have convinced myself that I want to marry "R" I know that sounds kinda crazy. But listen, he has been keeping in contact with me and even though he is being subtle, he is letting me know that he is very interested in getting back together. Now, those who know me y'all know that I do not go back to ex's. But I'm making an exception here. Especially since it seems we may have ended our relationship under false pretenses. I still care about him a lot but don't get me wrong I'm not head over heals in love with him. If we stop speaking today or tomorrow I would be cool with that. But on the other hand I can see myself spending my life with him. Does that sound stupid, because as I'm typing it it sounds quite stupid to me. The thing is he is so easy going. For the most part he just kinda goes along with what I want. He lets me have my way without being a pushover. That's somone I can spend the rest of my life with. Plus I love all the things he has going for him. I just love the kind of man he is. However I do think about his first wife and why did she leave him. I think there must be something that I'm missing. It's no way she would just leave the way she did without having good reason. But then again just because it didn't work for them does not mean it can't work with us.

I decided that I was going to have a talk with him the next time I see him. I'm going to let him know that someone else is in the picture. I'm going to ask him if he plans on starting up where we left off. I want to know if he wants to lock this down or does he just want to chill. I think I already know what he wants but I need to confirm so that there are no misconceptions.

Meanwhile back at the ranch. Why do I feel the need to make the bouncer want me more and more? I got him open a little bit. I do know that if things ended with us we would both just keep it moving, but he really is trying to be with me long term. He always tells me he doesn't sweat the small shit because he has patience and he is not letting me go. So he knows I'm going to be his. He said there will come a time when he will be like my shadow, but he is just taking it slow. The bad part is I'm also getting myself in deeper and deeper with him.

I don't really know what to do. I wish one of them would just leave me alone so I won't have to make the decision. But knowing me if that happened I would be trying to get them back just so I could keep up the drama......I told y'all I'm sick in the head. I even started picking fights with the bouncer and trying to kinda push him away. But that's not working. The crazier I act the more he loves it. Go figure.

I''m going to end this right here because I'm pissing myself off just talking about it. I will still keep y'all posted.

Could it be a love triangle....I can't let that happen.

2007-04-26T01:21:00.000-07:00

There has been so much going on. I think I may be starting a love triangle. It's so stupid. I see it coming but me stopping it would be too much like right. So therefore I can see me letting it go on until it comes to a head. Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. Maybe it won't turn out the way I think it will. I hope it doesn't.

Monday I went to a local bar with my sister. First of all it is a place I never ever go to. But I figured why not go have a few drinks. After all I was supposed to go out with them on Sunday night but I didn't go because I was finally chilling with the bouncer. (it was about time) He just called me Sunday afternoon and asked me what my plans were for the day. When I said I didn't have any plans he told me he was coming over. At first I was skeptical because my daughter was home. I didn't know how I felt about him meeting my daughter. She hasn't seen me interact with anyone since my ex. But the more I thought about it the more I was cool with it. So we chilled all day. We watched some movies and went to get something to eat. Of course we talked about anything and everything. He didn't leave until 4:00 am and he had to be to work at 8:00am.

Anyway I kinda went off the original subject....I walked into the bar and the first person I see was "D". For those of you who know "D" y'all know I can't stand him. So he walked over to me and hugged me. He reminded me it was his birthday. He then proceded to remind me how we were together last year on his birthday. He told me how much he appreciated the cake I brought him. He even went on and on about how much he misses me. How much he cared for me. How he couldn't believe I chose to stay with my man instead of be with him. How I would always defend my man when he would say anything negative about him. (why did he think it was ok for him to talk shit about my man?) He told me I could have been "the one. " He pulled me outside to talk my ear off. I just listened because I knew he needed to get these things off his chest. I told him that there weren't any hard feelings but we were really done. I told him I was dealing with someone that I really like. He acted like I stabbed him in the heart. I know a lot of it was because he was drunk out of his mind but I also know that he still feels some type of way. Especially since he does text me every once in a while and tells me he is thinking of me. I never respond and if I do, then the response is usually negative. By the time I left that fool he was tearing up. I definitely knew that was the liquor. He told me he would call me tomorrow because he refuse to give up hope that we can get back together. He did call the next day and asked me if he made a fool of himself. I saved him his dignity and told him he didn't. I asked him if he remembered the things he said. He said he did remember and he did mean everything. Whatever! That's how I feel.

Tuesday when I woke up I knew it was going to be a beautiful day. I text one of my ex's. "R". I don't know if I have mentioned him before. We were together about 2 years ago. I don't really talk to him. He is the one I mentioned in a past post that he showed up at my house with a swishy sweatsuite on and I broke up with him. There was definitely more to the story, but that's all I mentioned. So anyway I asked him when was he going to take me on a ride on his bike. He text me back and said he was off work but he had some business to take care of so he would call me. He came to pick me up and DAYYUM!! He was looking good. He is getting sexier as he gets older. (He's 10 years older than me) So we was out. We went to TGIFridays to eat. Then afterward we went to his house. His house is beautiful. It has always been like that but he has made changes and it looks even better. It actually looks like he had an interior decorator come in to decorate. It is absolutely georgeous. It was just so familiar being there with him. We talked about how and why our relationship ended. We talked about how much we really cared about each other in such a short period of time. He let me know some things that I said or did that really hurt him. I told him what hurt me. The more we talked it was like we were clearing the air about some misconceptions. The more I thought about it it seemed like our relationship may have ended prematurely. Plus I was to busy cheating with the infamous Boss. I still hadn't let him go completely, but I really did care about "R". Maybe the timing with us was all wrong. I don't know but being with him stirred up old feelings. That's not ususal for me because once we are done we are done. Especially since it has been 2 years since we have been together. The only person I always went back to was Boss. And that wss because we never really left each other alone. When I left it was like I really didn't want to leave him.

Later that night I went to the club where my bouncer works. As soon as I walked up he did something that took me completely by surprise. He just literally threw his tongue down my throat! At first I was suprised then I just got lost in it. There was quite a few people out there but it seemed like there was no one there but us. You should have seen the look on everyone's face. All the other bouncers, the guys and the women were just stunned. After the kiss we just walked away like it was nothing. It was crazy. So I proceded to go in and enjoy my night. By the time we left there I was feeling nice. I had quite a few drinks and I was feelin' it. I was still ok because I knew I still had to drive. When I came out he was right there. He asked me if I had a good time. He told me how good I looked. Told me he couldn't wait to spend time with me again. And he definitely told me to be careful. The whole time we were talking it was like all eyes was on us.

When I talked to him the next day I asked him why did he kiss me like that. He said because he wanted everyone to know I was with him just in case anyone was trying to flirt with me. I just laughed at him. I wasn't even mad at him because I didn't come there for anyone else. I just wanted to get a few drinks and let him see how sexy I looked.

I'm kinda wondering if me and "R" will start to keep in touch or if we were both just feeling some type of way at that moment. Me and the bouncer promised that we wouldn't play any games with each other. I also want to be gentle with him because he was really hurt by the last girl. He isn't bitter about it and he already told me that is not going to stop him from doing everything for his woman. He said that he is still going to give the next woman everyhthing she wants. So I don't want to turn right back around and hurt him. And I know I can't hurt "R" again.

I know all of this sounds crazy, but I swear this is everything that is going on

This is what's going on.

2007-04-19T03:07:00.000-07:00

Well bloggers, my house is falling apart again. It's not as bad as it could be. We had a horrible storm on Sunday. My whole city was drowning. School was closed the next day because it was still raining hard on Monday morning plus it kept randomly changing from rain to sleet to snow. Every thing was flooded. There was so many streets that was closed it was ridiculous. So I was in the house all day Sun. and Mon. I went down in the basement to put the dog in the cage and as soon as I stepped on the last step my socks were soaked. My carpet was saturated. UUUUGGGHHHH....So I took the carpet cleaner and tried to suck up as much water as I could. It's a pain in the ass because now it is starting to smell and my daddy came over to cut the carpet and pull it up. But he told me there are a few thing I could do to get the carpet to dry and to get the smell out of it. So I'm going to try and do what he told me to do. He said when his carpet got wet it took 2 weeks to get it together. So I'm going to see what happens but if I can't get it together I will just get rid of it and get new carpet. That's just more money I have to put out for another catastophe in that house. But like I said it could be worst.

My ex boyfriend text me early yesterday morning so I called him. I asked him if he was on his way to work. He said no so I asked him if he would come over to help me clean out my basement. He said yes and he was on his way. ( I love him) Anyway...when he got there I took immediate notice of how good he was looking. I have never been attracted to him. Not even the whole 2 years we were together. I was with him for other reasons. But he is picking up weight. He has been working out so he is getting nice and solid. He is growing a beard. He was looking a little tasty. Nothing happened. I know how y'all minds work ;-). After he cleaned my basement we just watched tv for a while then he was off to the gym.

I colored and cut my hair the other day. It came out brighter than it usually does because we used a booster. So now I'm a Natural (unnatural) blonde. I love my hair like this. It is an attention grabber. Some people like it some hate it. But I try to tell people at work that I don't need their opinion on my hair. Some people like it longer. Some like it darker, but the point is I don't get my hair done to please them.

So that's what's been going on with me what's been going on with you.

Oh BTW.... If you are wondering what's going on with the bouncer. I don't really know what's going on. He has been working to much for us to get together. But I did let him know that my attention span is real short!!

WINE ALL OVER THE BATHROOM FLOOR

2007-04-12T03:04:00.000-07:00

The other night I was sitting at work talking to a few co-workers and we were reminiscing on old flames. Things we did in our past. How we have changed and calmed down a bit. Well I didn't mention this to them but I thought of something that made me smile to myself.

More than a few years ago I had a girlfriend that I was so cool with. We partied hard and partied quite often. One night we were at the club doing our usual. Flirting, drinking and just being us. We parted ways and did our thing. She met this guy and at the end of the night she introduced me to him. I thought nothing of it. The next day they decided to get together. So the rule back then was, you do not go anywhere alone for the first time. So I went with her and he invited one of his friends. We had a good time, but as the night went on there was something kinda weird about it. So the next day he called my house and told me that he was feeling me. He told me that I was more his type than she was. He made it clear that he meant no disrespect to her but he wanted to get to know me better. I was a little shocked but I did feel the vibe between us the night before. So we decided we would talk to her. She was more than ok with it. She said that she could tell he was feeling me and it wasn't a problem at all. She gave me a hug, a kiss on the cheek and told me to go for what I know.

Two days we talked on the phone. The chemistry was crazy. Finally we decided we had to see each other. For the next 2 days I was M.I.A. No one knew where the hell I was. My daughter was with her daddy and he was keeping her for the rest of the week. So I had no worries. The second night he cooked dinner and afterwards he decided to chill some wine and run us a bath. We sat in the tub so long just talking and drinking wine. At one point he knocked over the last of the second bottle of wine on the bathroom floor. He looked at it and on instinct he said "aaawww shit!" Then he looked at me and said "I'm not worried about it. I'll clean it up later. That's the beauty of being grown. I don't have to jump to clean up the wine, instead I'm going to just relax right here in this tub with you and I'll clean it up whenever I'm ready."

Maybe it was because we had drowned 2 bottles of wine and I was tipsy as hell but I really stopped and thought about what he said. There I was about 23 years old, a child of my own. I had my own place and I had left the city without having to answer to anyone and tell them where I was going. I didn't have to call and check in with anyone when I got there. I was in the tub with this grown ass man, who knew he was grown and knew what he wanted. He wanted me and he didn't play any games to get me he just came right out and said it. I thought about all of that as I was looking at the wine that had spilled onto the bathroom floor.

So when we got out of the tub, I made sure I let him know that I was finally realizing just how grown I was. So we did what grown folx do. And we did that all night long!

In case you want to know what happened to us....We were together for a year. I cheated on him, and we broke up. He did try to forgive and put us back together but his pride just would not let him.

I feel good

2007-04-07T01:51:00.000-07:00

I'm feelin myself today and I would like to share....It feels good to be a young, and free black woman. I'm single, I'm sexy and I can do what I want to do. I had this overwhelming feeling last night as I was driving in to work. I thought about how I have a house where there is always something going wrong. There is always something that needs to be fixed, but guess what....it's mine. I thought about how I'm always talking about I'm broke but I always got a little stash somewhere if I need it. I thought about how it's just me, my daughter and my dog in my house and I just smiled.

There are people who have way more than what I have. Then there are those who are less fortunate than me. But I am so content with where I am right now. I think about where I was just 5 years ago and I think about how much further I have come since then. I think about how hard I work to maintain what I have. But I also think about how I do have my health so I can get up and do what I gotta do to get the things I want.

Then I look at my reflection in the mirror and I like what I see. We as women are always complaining about all the flaws we have. We focus on all the things we don't like instead of looking at the things that make us beautiful. If I could there are a few things I would change. But when I actually look at the overall picture I realize that I am freakin' beautiful. Part of the reason I believe that is because I am a black woman. That makes me feel so empowered. Just being a woman period is a beautiful thing. I wouldn't change that for the world. Women have so much power and they don't even realize. I am fully aware that this is a man's world. But we all know it wouldn't be nothing without a woman's touch.

One more thing before I go.....Women, I want to tell you something....Keep doing what you do. Don't worry about who the hell got something to say about how you're handling your business. If there is another female all up in your business, and she always has something negative to say. Then to hell with her because she is probably jealous of your swagger. If a man always got something negative to say, and he feel the need to call you outside of your name or trash your character to the next man. Then to hell with him too. Because regardless of what he says chances are he wants you and if you gave him the time of day he would love to just be in you presence. So if you are taking care of you and yours. If you got your own place, your own car, your own money and you depend on no one else for what you need. Then why would you ever worry about what someone else has to say. And women we need to uplift one another instead of try to break each other down.

BTW...I can not explain to you how this song makes me feel. I absolutely love Ne-yo.

Happy Easter!

UPDATE

2007-04-04T03:29:00.000-07:00

My house is still jacked the hell up!! The guy stood me up. I haven't heard from him. I'm trying to find someone else to get the job done. I have a cousin of mine coming to assess the damage today.

The bouncer is still turning me on more and more. I seen him yesterday. I met him at the club. It was early in the day. It was just a mutual meeting place. I parked my car and we went to a local diner to get something to eat. We didn't have much time to spend together because he had to work. It was cool because I enjoyed myself.

The food was good, the conversation was great, but the goodbye kisses were awesome. He kissed me like he has been kissing my lips forever. Like he had already explored the inside of my mouth before. I was kinda shocked. I usually don't kiss people. Not all like that. Mostly because I hate when someone ruins a kiss. You know the ones that are really slobbering all over you instead of kissing you.

As I was driving home I got this all to familiar feeling......It's something that is so typical of me. When I first meet a guy that I like I am all into him. I'm always complimenting him. I'm all googly-eyed over him. I can't wait to hear from him and definitely can't wait to see him. Then about 2 months later I'm bored. Then I'm trying to plan the great escape. Meanwhile he is still feeling me and he thinks everything is everything. But I'm like "NEXT". It's sad but I already know that's what's going to happen with this guy. I'll keep you posted.

To club or not to club? That is the question

2007-04-02T03:20:00.000-07:00

The weekend is over and I did absolutely positively nothing. I worked Friday night. Saturday morning when I got home it was all over. I washed my hair cleaned up my house then went to sleep. I didn't go out Saturday night. That's my other go out and get drunk night. But I didn't feel like doing anything. I'm sure my brother was there. (silkysmooth) Check him out to the left. He was saying that he was spending way too much money clubbing. I definitely feel his pain. Over the last 2 months I have spent so much money on clothes and clubbing. I like to drink when I go out so I make sure I have plenty money with me so I can do my thing. Then eventhough I always say I'm not going to by somehting new I always buy either some new jeans, a new shirt or some shoes. Or I have to get my nails done. Or I need a fresh pedicure.
Meanwhile back at the ranch my daggone house is falling apart. I know that is so trifling. I asked my daughter if she ever seen the movie "The money pit" She said no, so I told her welcome to it! She acts like I'm exaggerating but I'm not.

My tub was all messed up for a while. The water was draining very slow. Then it went from slow to almost not draining at all. So I called my daddy. Of course because he is the freakin' man he had a temporary solution. So he went to Home Depot, and got me some high power, real potent stuff to pour in the drain. So I proceded to use it with much caution. It had a million warning signs about how dangerous it could be if it comes in contact with you skin. If you even inhale the fumes. So I used it and I let it sit for hours before I tried to drain it. When I finally let the hot water run in the tub I was not impressed. Then I turned on the water in the sink and I heard all of this noise downstairs. Well the water was leaking thru the ceiling and onto the freakin' floor. So I had to put 2 buckets in the kitchen to catch the water because it is leaking in 2 different spots. I called my daddy and told him that stuff made it worst. He said that it must have been so strong and my pipes were weak so it ate thru my pipes. Thank God the guy that is fixing it is coming later on today. My daddy told me whatever he charges me to just pay it and he will reimburse me. ( I love that man)

Anyway I will be back at the club on Tuesday. Not just because I want to see the bouncer ;-). Seriously that's not the reason. I will just feel better about going out because the leak will be fixed and technically I'm not paying for it. So I will have a few extra dollars that I didn't plan on having because I had that money put aside to pay the plumber. Not to mention the fact that it will be a wonderful 75 degrees. So once again I will feel compelled to show some leg. Especially since he obviously likes it when I show some leg. I won't even go any further about him because although we talk everyday it is not going the way I really want it to. Not yet anyway. But I'm not sweating it because when I break him off some, I'm gonna have him looking for me in the daytime with a flashlight with the highbeams on!

JUST READ IT!

2007-03-30T03:06:00.000-07:00

I wasn't going to post anything so this will be very short.

This post was kinda inspired by Ladynay. She made mention of how we don't keep in touch with our friends the way we should. My question is do we let the people that we see everyday know how much we love and cherish them? I asked this because last night when I got to work I found out a little girl died just 2 hours before I got there. She was only 15 years old. It was a car accident and her 18 year old brother was driving. I instantly started to tear up. I called my daughter and immedietly told her I loved her. That wasn't unusual to her because I NEVER walk out of the house, or hang up the phone without telling her that I love her. I told her about the little girl and she said she would say a prayer for her family. I thought that was so sweet of her.

I had an incident with her about 2 years ago. She was missing. As soon as we realized she was not in school and no where to be found we immedietly called the police. It took no time at all for my whole family to be at my house waiting with me and walking around the neighboorhood with a picture of her. I remember I was absolutely freaked out and I kept saying to myself over and over "God forbid anthything to happen to my baby, but if it does she knows that I love her because I say it to her every single morning and every chance I get" I had everyone in the house in tears. But that was something that was getting me thru just knowing that she always knows that I love her to death.

So anyway...I just want everyone to not only get in touch with someone but let someone know you love them. You never know what may happen. I'm so sure that family never thought that when their children got into that car to go wherever they were going that one of them would come home and the other one would not make it back home ever again.

The bouncer, the "potential" new guy , the ex

2007-03-28T19:22:00.000-07:00

Last night was my go out and get drunk night. I absolutely love $2.00 Tuesdays. I love paying $2.00 for a drink. By the time I leave there I'm ususally "to the left, to the left" hahaha
Anyway. It was almost 80 degrees yesterday so you know it was time to break out the shorts in the club. Not to short, but it was definitely time to show some leg. Dam near all the chicks in the club were dam near naked! Ladies please do not get upset about this BUT I see why so many men are out here cheating. First of all the way we out number them is ridiculous. Not to mention how we dress when we are in the club. Then factor in how some of them act once they get some liquor in their system. They start throwing themselves at any halfway descent man that walks by. Any weak man can easily give into temptation. I know that is horrible but that is the truth. What can I say, I deal in harsh realities.

Before I went in I seen the bouncer. OMG!! He is so cute. I don't mean pretty boy cute or even Dezel Washington sexy. He is more like Lorenze Tate (but much taller) in Love Jones. You know how he was just really cute. And it was something about him that you can't quite put your finger on. But as soon as he flashed that award winning smile you was ready to just melt. Or like Will Smith (same height) in Hitch. When he was failing miserably at trying to impress Eva but she just could not resist his charm.
Well that is how I feel about him. So as I was walking in I did speak to him and he spoke back and told me I was looking good. That made me blush.

On another note there is a guy that I used to see at the club all the time a few years ago. So I have been seeing him recently and last week I told him that I remember him and he is still looking sexy as ever. He smiled, said thank you and we kept it moving. Well last night he kept eyeballing me from across the room. Then he bumped me a couple of times..on purpose I might add. So I finally told him that if he kept it up I was going to rape him. He laughed and I looked him in the eye and without cracking a smile I told him I was dead serious. So we did exchanged #'s.

When I was leaving, the bouncer, I'll call him "E" was just staring at me as I was leaving. So I stopped and told him I had a bone to pick with him. I told him that I was sick of him acting like he wasn't interested then when he sees me at the club he is all in my face. He said he was leaving me alone because I told him I was not interested. So we went back and forth then he finally said he would call me.

BUT I had another dilemma I didn't think about until after I left. Earlier that day I droppped my phone in some water and it was not working. It would not ring and the screen is just blank. So when I got home I changed my message and it said that I dropped my phone in some water so it was messed up, and to call my house phone. I left the # because he doesn't have the house #. I also said that if you leave a message to also leave your #. Well, it worked because when I woke up later that afternoon. (Y'all know I'm not a day person). He called and left a message. He even called my house phone. He said he was really looking forward to hearing from me so I called him back. We talked about how we are going to fit seeing each other into his schedule. He works all the time. I like that. He said that he just wants to try to find some real time to spend with me and get to know me. He said that he didn't want to be the kind of guy that calls all the time. I told him that you have to start somewhere and he agreed. So now I feel like we are getting on the right track. We have tentative plans to see each other on Saturday. So I will keep you posted.
I'm not trying to rush anything but I can't wait to get him in bed! I know that is horrible. That's something a guy would say but that's how I feel.

One more thing before I go. I heard from my ex. He is getting out in 2-3 months. That means that he won't learn anything. He needs to really do some time in order to really get himself together. He asked me to come to his sentencing in 2 weeks. I told him I won't be there and please do not contact me when he gets home. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind having him as a friend but he doesn't know where to draw the line between friend and girlfriend and I do not feel like dealing with the drama. Plus he already knows how it is with me once it gets nice outside. I'm not trying to be tied down. I want to be free to do whatever. So anyway I'll keep you posted on that also.

Just babbling

2007-03-21T22:53:00.000-07:00

I spent about $200.00 yesterday. I want my money back. I did buy a shirt that has completed me. No, I'm serious. I have a pair of shoes that I have had FOREVER and I couldn't really find anything to wear with them because they are a funny color. I do have a pocketbook that matches them. I ordered it on-line. I was reading a magazine and I seen Paris Hilton with it and there was a website you could go to to get a knockoff. So I ordered the pocketbook and everytime I use it I get so many compliments on it. Now I have a shirt to go with the pocketbook that also goes with the shoes.

We went to the club last night. I was a little tipsy. Actually I was a lot tipsy. It felt like I was in the Matrix. AAHHHHH that is such a wonderful feeling! Everything just seems ok when you are feeling like that. Redman was there. He wasn't supposed to be there but I guess he was just out chillin'. My sister is so rude. She was like, "why is everybody going crazy over Redman? When was the last time he had an album drop?" I just fell out laughing. I wasn't worried about him. Because unless he was trying to buy a sistah a drink I didn't have no words for him. I'm not star struck like that anyway. They are regular people just like we are. But I do have a select few that they might have to get security to remove me from the premises if I come across them. But definitely not Redman. He was real cool though. He took pictures with everyone and was just chillin.
I remember another time we were in a different club and Lil Wayne just walked right past us like it wasn't nothing. Me and my sister looked at each other and was like, Naw that can't be who we thought it was. But it was his little ass. He was with only one other person. He didn't have a whole enterage or anything like that.

I am driving a rental car right now. Do you remember I told y'all that my car got hit. The driver's side door had a dent. It was a little more than a dent. It was a split. They claim it will take 3-4 days to fix it. I don't care because there is no money at all coming out of my pocket. The insurance company is paying for my car and the rental. They gave me a Pontiac Grand Prix. It's definitely a muscle car. It has a lot of power under the engine. I guess I like it. At first I didn't care for it but it has grown on me.

My daughter is beautiful. I don't just mean her looks. I'm just talking about her whole aura. Right now I am loving everything that she has going on. She had a science fair on Saturday. She called me at least 3 times to tell me how nervous she was and how she wanted to win. She didn't win but a friend of her's made 2nd place so she was excited that someone from her school won a place. There were a few different schools so she was happy that someone from her school won something. She has been focused on her basketball. They won their game on Sunday. It was actually the best game they have played. I was very proud of the whole team. I brought her a basketball so she can practice at the court around the corner from us. She is already looking into the next thing she will do when basketball is done. Her report card was also a lot better than what it has been. I still told her she could do better and she agreed with me. She even took it upon herself to pay for her trip on Friday with her own money. I thought that was very mature of her. I can see all that ass kicking I was doing is starting to finally pay off.

One more thing before I go. There is a bouncer at the club that I was talking to recently. We exchanged #s a while ago and we talk sparatically. I finally told him I was no longer interested because I can't figure out what game he is playing. I figure he must have a woman. When we talk it's not really about anything. When I see him at the club he always goes out of his way to speak and acknowledge me. But still there is nothing. So one day he called and left a message and I didn't call him back then when I seen him he asked me if I was mad and I told him I wasn't mad I just was no longer interested. He said ok and we kept it moving. But the problem is his smile is so dam cute I can't stand it.

SORRY DUDE, NOT INTERESTED

2007-03-15T02:05:00.000-07:00

I guess it's hard to know what people are and are not attracted to when you first meet them. You don't know what someone's preference is. And sometimes you might be fairly attracted to someone on the physical level but definitely not on the mental level. Let me give you a few examples of what I'm talking about....
There is a guy at my job and at first I was just figuring he was cool and we were just chillin at work the way I chill with all of my men at work. But it didn't take to long to realize he had a different agenda. He told me that we were trying to build a pyramid together. WOW!! I didn't realize we were supposed to be building that kind of relationship. Now I'm not trying to be mean, but I need to be honest. He was in no way shape, form or fashion my type. He is not someone I could ever see myself being romatically involved with. I have a million reasons why but I won't name them because I don't want it to seem like I'm being conceited. So I had to think of it like...how would he possible be able to know he was not my type of man. Maybe I was just his type of woman and that's what was driving him to try and build this so called "pyramid" with me. Then I find out that he has an ex girlfriend that works in the hospital. Apparantly they were in a kinda long term relationship. I don't know exactly how it ended but that is another strike against him. I'm not about being involved in the drama that goes on around here. There is no way I would want to date someone I work wth let alone someone who already has an ex that works with us also. NOT!!
Another example.....Another guy that I am extremely cool with. I actually named him as one of my men at work. He has decided that we are going to be more than friends. That pisses me off on so many different levels. #1 He is nothing but a freakin' flirt. He dam near sexually harasses every woman in the place. #2 His nasty ass girlfriend works there. Let's discuss that for a moment, shall we....
Another thing that can definitely make you unattractive to me is the company you keep. With that said, let me give you a little background on his girlfriend. At first he thought I was kinda disgusted with him and his woman because they are an interacial couple. That is neither here nor there. The bigger picture is that she is a nasty Hoe. No, I'm dead serious. There have been rumors around the hospital about some of the things she has done and she has co-signed some of them...eeeeewwwww. There are other things like the mysterious looking rash that keeps appearing around her mouth at least once a freakin' month. What is that all about? One guy told everyone at work that her kitty-kat was so funky he couldn't sleep with her. I know this sound very juvenile but I'm just trying to give y'all a little background.
So anyway he has let me know that eventhough he plays around with a lot of different woman he really wants us to get together. Now...physically he is not my type. So therefor I'm not interested. But if I would entertain the thought of us it would only be simply because he keeps me laughing and that's one of the reasons why I deal with him in the first place. Overall he is good peoples and I like talking to him. I like chillin with him at work but I have no desire to take it outside of work. Well I didn't mind taking it outside of work until I found out he didn't want a platonic relationship anymore. What would make him think that I'm trying to see him like that? But that is part of my point. How can people know what turns you on and what may turn you off? How can they know what you are looking for physically mentally or othewise? Wouldn't it be nice if the person you were attacted to was automatically attracted to you too?

Another senario that happened recently... This one actually happened to my sister. She met a guy and they talked on the phone a couple of times and he said something that turned my sister off totally....
You are goin to laugh about this, so before I tell you let me give you a little background on my sister.

She THINKS she is a fashion icon. She swears that every outfit that someone wears needs to be preapproved by her first. She spend much time watching the style channel. Honestly she really is sharp. She is always shopping and always looks good wherever she goes and sometimes she looks exceptional. I mean don't get me wrong we all look good when we go out but she just has to take her fashion over the top sometimes. So keeping that in mind...

She was on the phone talking to this guy and he mentions that he has an event to go to. He then mentions that he might pull out a pair of his cordoroys( I'm sure I spelled that wrong because I never wear them so I don't know how to spell it) That was like a red flag for my sister. I mean I would have been a little leary also. (I should probably mention that I broke up with a guy because he showed up at my house with a swishy jogging set on. I could see if it was back in the day when swishy's were still in style, but it was just about 2 years ago) So anyway she was disgusted with the though of him being dressed up in some freakin' corduroy's. So she programmed his number under "do not answer".
Then a few weeks later we were in the club and she ran into him again. They talked and she decided to give him another chance because he isn't bad on the eyes. So one day they met up somewhere just to say a quick hello because he was just getting off of work. So the conversation was going along smoothly and he was checking her out then he says, " Look at you thinking you all cute. What you got on, some Azzure jeans, old navy flip-flops and an Anne Klein watch?"
BEEP, BEEP, BEEP red alert. Straight men should not be able to look at you and know what you have on. Right down to the designer. It's not even like Azzure was written anywhere on her jeans. And how the hell does he know about the Anne Klein watch? So that definitely raised an eyebrow. Plus my sister said he was to playful. She is looking for a guy that just chills. Not someone that has jokey-jokes all the time.

I thought that was really hilarious. So I will ask this...Are these valid points that I'm making or does this all seem superficial? Does it seem like these are just excuses? I know that I can be a little critical when it comes to meeting new men. Is that wrong? And is it wrong to feel almost offended when someone that is definitely not up to your standard try and pursue you? How do they know they are not up to your standards? Or shoe on the other foot how would you feel if someone you were attracted to acting like they had no real interest in you? What about when someone likes you and you like their friend, but their friend doesn't want to give you the time of day simply because you are not their type? But the person who is liking you is not your type.

It's hard to really know what someone is looking for. The only way for that person to know you and what your interests are is for you two to be friends first. Or not unless you two just click right from the beginning and every thing else just falls into place.
I could go on and on because there are other issues like what happens when the things you thought was so cute about that person quickly fades and becomes extremely annoying. But I'll just leave it alone right here. This alone is enough to ponder.

In closing I will give a brief description of what I'm looking for...
He need to be at least 6'2" , weighing in at at least 250-275lbs. Dark skinned, and have bold features. Like full sexy lips or a very distinguished nose or really dark and thick eyebrows. He should be a little thugged out. I don't mean like a drug dealer but someone that has a little status in the streets and dudes know not to cross him because he will take it there if he has to. (What can I say, I'm from the city so that's something that we look for in our men). He also needs to have home trainng and I can take him anywhere because he knows how to act in public. ( That's sad that that has to be mentioned but you know some people are just to ghetto for their own good) He needs to be able to dress. I don't want to have to be worried about what he is going to wear if we are going out to an event. He needs to be maintaining everything that I have and more. I mean a nice vehicle a nice place and descent job.

I know this description doesn't sound that hard but you would be surprised.

Untitled

2007-03-12T21:06:00.000-07:00

I do have a real post, but I will save it for tomorrow. Today I just wanted to say Happy Birthday to my beloved mother. She would have been 50 years old today. That's so sad she has already been gone almost 5 whole years. I guess it's true what they say, "The good die young" She was the best of them. We all miss her so much.

I'm still here

2007-03-02T03:27:00.000-08:00

My mouth finally got me into trouble. Last Thursday before I left for my trip I received a phone call from my manager. She told me that she needed to take me off the schedule for the day because there was a problem and she was conducting an investigstion. She told me she couldn't give me any more details and she would get back to me a little later. I didn't really respond at first then when I got myself together I called her back to find out what was going on. She was very vague but did tell me that someone went to HR about something I said and she was investigating it. I asked her was my job in jeopardy and she said that it depended on what the investigation showed. WTF!! For a minute or two I was extremely concerned then I just let it go. By the time she called me later that day and explained what had "supposedly " happened I was already at peace with it. So she gave me more details and I told her my side of the story. When we got off the phone I just simply said a little prayer and I put it in God's hands. I made up my mind that I wasn't going to worry about what I could not control. I had a fun-filled weekend ahead of me and I wasn't going to let anything spoil that. When I left for my trip I didn't give the situation a second thought the entire time. Yesterday I finally got a call from her and she wanted to have a meeting with me. So we met and basically she told me eveything that was said and how serious the situation was. She told me that the manager from that floor wanted me to be fired, but she didn't feel like that was necessary. She said she thought I was a good worker. I know what I'm doing and basically because it is up to her whether or not she should fire me she decided to write me up and move on from here. I was pleased to hear that because I was kinda expecting that to happen, but I was definitely prepared for the worst. Our meeting was actually pleasant, if you can believe that. We both agreed that I would no longer have to work on the floor where the incident took place. The manager on that floor has expressed that she does not like me and I have also let her know that the feeling is very mutual. So we figure it is in eveyone's best interest if I don't have to be bothered with her or her staff members.

Moving on...I ran into my ex-mother-in-law. She is such a sweetie pie. I can't help but love her. She got some shit with her but so does everyone else. She asked me when was the last time I heard from her son. I told her I haven't heard from him and she couldn't believe it. Apparantly he is really trying to be a man about his situation. I must say I'm very proud of him. One of the chicks he dealt with before is now living with his mother. I know part of that is her trying to keep tabs on him. His mom told me he won't talk to her either. He even made his mom take his daughter back to her mother because he doesn't want the ex-girlfriend being around her and getting attached to her. I thought that was very interesting. Sometimes that boy never ceases to amaze me.

My ski trip

2007-02-27T02:31:00.000-08:00

Sunday night I returned from my ski trip. It took me a few days to blog about it because I had to recouperate first. It was nice but it wasn't really what I expected. We had fun, but there was some false advertisements about the trip. First of all we were suppsed to be going to the Poconos and we did not find out until we got on the bus that the trip had been rerouted to CONNECTICUT!! We were shocked. I already had to prepare myself for a 3 hour drive so imagine how I felt when I found out we were in for a 5 hour drive!! Oh well, what could we do then? Nothing. We were already packed up, on the bus and ready to roll out.

We got there about 10:30 pm. on Friday. We checked in chilled out for a while then went down stairs to get something to eat and get some drinks. They had a buffet open for us and the bar was open until 2:00am. After we ate and we mingled it was time to get ready for the PJ party. As you can imagine it was off the hook. Some chicks was dam near naked. They had a contest for the sexiest male and female slippers. Then a contest for sexiest male and female pajamas. Needless to say that was crazy. Some chicks just have no dam shame in there game. It wasn't like they were going to win anything but of course they were still bumping and grinding all over the floor with some lingerie on. One girl had on a jane of the jungle outfit with a wrap around. We should have known that underneath the wraparound was a matching thong. Of course she pulled it off and had to shake her ass all over the stage. What makes it so bad is she wasn't even the raunchiest of them all. One girl really took the cake. You could tell she made her living as a stripper. I'm not even going to lie, we was all in amazement. I guess if you are going to do it you better be good at it.

Anyhoo... we didn't come back to our room until 4:00am, and the party was still going strong. The next day we went bowling and skating. Bowling was fun but skating sucked! The music was horrible and there were way to many kids running around. I though they would have the place shut dowm and it would only be us there. That wasn't the case and it just sucked. We all wanted to leave early so we did. As soon as we got back we went right to the bar. The bar was open for 17 hours while we were there and we made sure we took full advantage of it. Even after the bar closed or before it opened up people were still making sure we had drinks because they brough their own liquor. They were out of control.
Later that night we got dressed and were ready to party again. There was a comedy show. I can't remeber what the comedians name was but he has been on Def Comedy Jam before. He was Hilarious! He almost gave me an asthma attack and I don't even have asthma. That night I was so drunk it was crazy. I didn't do anything crazy. I was just really feelin' it. Me and my sister went to our room early because we were done. It was still about 3:00am when we went upstairs. They actually partied until 6:00 am.

On Sunday we just kinda chilled out before we left. We sat by the indoor pool, and had some more drinks. They had karaoke and an early dinner and we left about 4:00 pm.
There was a group of guys that we met and we were kinda chillin' with them the whole weekend, so I made sure I said goodbye to them. I wasn't trying to exchange #'s with anyone I just wanted them to know that I had enjoyed their company while we were there.

When I got home I was sore from bowling and dehydrated from drinking so much. We went to Mc donalds to get something to eat. It felt so good to actually drink a regular drink. It was only the second soda I had the whole weekend. All I did was consume liquor all weekend. I was so tired I went to sleep and I was passed out all night. It was only about 10:00 when I fell asleep. I slept almost 12 hours uninterupted.

I needed that weekend away.

I'm just feeling like BLAH

2007-02-19T22:24:00.000-08:00

I don't know what kind of mood I'm in right now. I'm at work and I can't pull myself together. I don't feel like working. I'm not really all that tired. I'm just feeling lazy and unproductive. My mind is all over the place. I'm still a little pissed at my daughter over some BS she pulled. Everytime she gets into that kind of trouble it is always with the same little girl. I'm so sick of them trying to be slick. That little girl needs her ass whipped but that's my opinion because y'all know I will beat the hell out of my child and not think twice about it. Even after they were busted she was just mouthing off. When my daughter gets into trouble she is quiet because she knows she is wrong. But this little girl always still has some smart shit to say because no matter what she is going to make it seem like whatever it was she did was justified. She was really pissing me off but that was for her mom to handle not me. I always tell my daughter that when it comes down to it I am not worried about her friends. She is my responsibility, not her friends. I can't discipline another child. I can just keep her and my daughter apart.

Anyway I don't want to talk about that......Honestly I don't know what the hell I want to talk about. There are so many things roaming thru my mind right now. Like the fact that I have to go in the morning to get an estimate on my car because someone hit it yesterday. It was parked in front of my house, but my street is still extremely slippery from all the thick ice that is still all over the street. I guess I can't really complain because whoever the guy was he called the police and sent them to my house. About 2:00pm I was awakened by the police banging on my door. He told me what happened. At first I was pissed. Then when I saw the damage it is not bad at all. It is still ugly and noticable. So I got the insurance info and I called my insurance company. So we'll see what happens from there.

Friday I went to see Norbitt. I only went because I promised my daughter I would take her. (that was at the beginning of the weekend before she got in trouble) It was such a stupid movie. Actually I thought it was a descent storyline but it just wasn't funny. My daughter and her friend also agreed. I had half a mind to go to the manager and ask for my dam money back. I know that would not have happened. I wish you could get a refund from a horible movie or get a free pass for the next movie you go see.

I can't wait until this weekend. I am going on a ski trip. Me my sister and 2 of her friends. I need this little get a way like you could not even imagine. Every year I always want to go on this ski trip and for some strange reason I never do. So I'm kinda looking forward to it. Also my sister's birthday is the 28th. So we will be celebrating. It includes 17 hours of open bar. That alone is something to look forward to. It should be really fun.

I'm ready to go the hell home. I'm hear physically but mentally I'm home in the bed.

For the first time today I was thinking about him. Y'all know who "him" is. (that sounds real illiterate) I kinda miss him. I can't tell anyone that because people want to misinterpret that to mean that I still love him and I want to be back with him. That could not be further from the truth. I just feel like one of my friends is missing. I mean in 5 years we were more than lovers we were very close friends. He was someone I could go out and have a few drinks with. Someone I could go to the movies with. Go dancing. Talk about folx. Go out to eat. Watch a movie.
I don't miss being in a realtionship. We have been broken up for periods of time before and just remained friends. Even if it was calling each other every other day just to shoot the shit about absolutely nothing. If I was at work and couldn't do something my daughter needed done I could call him. If she was hungry and I didn't feel like cooking he would bring her something to eat, or bring me something to eat. I miss gossiping with him.
I do still love the fact that I come home in the morning after work and no one is in my bed. I love that I can sleep peacefully at night without anyone trying to "get some" I love that I'm not watching the clock to make sure he is in the house at a descent time or watching it to make sure I'm coming in at a descent time. There are no arguments over money. No arguement over house work ex: the dishes not being done, the bedroom a mess etc... I love that it's just me my daughter and my dog.
I love how simple my life is right now. I just hate that he is locked up like a caged animal. But OH WELL, he made his bed he has to lay in it.

THERE IS A REASON THEY ARE EX'S

2007-02-16T01:48:00.000-08:00

So tell me why ex-boyfriends were coming out of the woodworks on Valentines day? It was like 7:00n in the morning and "D" was texting me. UUUGGGHH!! I text him back and asked him why does he bother to text me when he knows I don't like him. He told me I can't hold a grudge forever and it take less energy to dislike someone than it does to like them. I told him that I can hold a grudge forever and it doesn't really take that much energy to dislike someone. That shut him down. I can't stand for him to acknowledge me. I know that might sound petty but I just don't want to ever be bothered with him again.

Then all day long my other ex(the one with the stripper girlfriend) kept texting me all day long about absolutely nothing. I was thinking..where the hell is his woman? She must have been out somewhere shaking her ass. Don't get me wrong I actually don't mind talking to him. We have always been extremely cool over the last 5 years we have been broke up, but I can't stand when he wants to flirt and take trips down memory lane. Because I don't look at him in a romantical way anymore. But he obviously does not understand that. He even text me at 3:00 in the morning. WTF!! By then he should have been in between the sheets with his girl. But anyhoo....

The biggest shock was a different ex that text me. We had an intense love affair for 6 months before me and Boss decided we could not live without each other. Honestly that wasn't the only reason we broke up but that had a lot to do with it.
This guy was one of my daughter's "teachers". Not really he was the athletic instructor at the after school program my daughter went to. He was fine as wine and getting better with time. I say that because he was a few years older than me. Ok, he was 10 years older than me. He dam sure didn't look his age and women were always checking him out. He was built just like I like my men, 6'3", 290lbs, all muscle. He used to be a football player. He had a beautiful home, two cars a little status and a lot of issues.
Let me tell you one thing...I'm no dummy by far, so when I found out that his wife just picked up and left him I knew I would soon find out why she left. I figured if everything was as it appeared to be then there is no way she would have given up on their marriage. But I still had to find out for myself because I was extremely attracted to him, he treated me good and he already had a relationship with my daughter. That was a plus for me because the thought of introducing her to someone new was hard for me.
So as time went on I started to see the things I was not going to put up with. It wasn't that it was so bad but you have to remember I was already 3 years into my relationship with Boss and we just had an arguement one day and the next day I was calling this guy and getting something started with him. So I had already been thru the fussing and fighting with my man and I wasn't about to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire. Maybe I was just making up excuses to get back with Boss. I don't know what it was but the day I decided I was really done with him I said some really, really mean and nasty things to him. I never thought he would speak to me again and I was cool with that. But since then he has contacted me a few times. But I was really surprised to hear from him on valentine's day. Then he went into the reminiscing stage. I was like "whatever". So he has been texting me since then. But for some strange reason I got 2 calls on my phone from blocked #'s. The first time I answered and the person hung up. The second time I missed the call but no one left a message.
Now, There are only 2 handfuls of people who have my cell #. And everyone who has it I have their # programmed in my phone. So it's never just a random # calling me. Everytime someone calls me there is a name attached to that #. So of course I am kinda suspicious about why all of a sudden there is someone playing on my phone. I know it all sounds juvenile, but I can just imagine that there is a woman somewhere lurking around in his phone and calling my # trying to find out who I am. If that is the case I wish she would just talk to me because I don't have a problem with letting her know that although she may have come across some text messages that may have implied that we were contemplating getting together, she really has nothing to worry about because I really planned on letting him know that I would rather keep things the way they are between us. I'm not interested at all in us trying to rekindle anything. I feel like that ship has sailed.

But I did run into another ex from all the way back in the day. OMG!! He has a show tomorrow and he gave me a flier and I plan on being there. I said before that I don't like to get back with an ex because that is for people who don't have any options, BUT he would definitely be the exception. I won't get into why he is the exception. Not right now, but if anything happens when I see him tomorrow I will definitely elaborate on him.

My first meme

2007-02-10T21:43:00.002-08:00

5 Things You May Not Know About Me.....

I see everyone is doing this meme so I decided to tag myself and do it also

1. When I was about 13 me and my crew had a dance group. I actually forgot what our name was because we couldn't really decide on one and we kept changing it. We used to practice for hours outside at my aunt's house. People from the neighborhood would actually sit outside and watch us practice. We performed at block parties, at parades and anywhere someone would let us dance. When we got to high school we won 1rst place in the talent show. We still have a big trophie. It is at my aunt's house. At first we were a little pissed that we only got one trophie but it didn't matter because we were just happy we won.

2. When I was pregnant with my daughter I cried everyday once I hit 6 months and it became a reality that I was about to be a teen mom. My mom would have to bring food to my room and make me eat. I was just so depressed. On top of that it was one of the hottest summers ever and I had to go to summer school for gym. I assummed they would excuse me because I was pregnant but instead they made me walk the track for 45 minutes everyday.
I know you are thinking "How the hell did I have to go to summer school for gym" Well I just thought I was to cute to participate in gym. Actually I think I was just to dam lazy. So I looked at gym as recess. So needless to say I failed and they were not going to let me pass 11th grade because of gym.
So there I was pregnant, in the dead of summer, and I was miserable as hell.

3. I think I'm somewhat psychic. I know that sounds crazy. I am a little scared of my dreams because they always tell me a story of something that will happen. A lot of times I say things and no sooner than I speak the words from my lips it starts to happen. There have been way to many incidents that I have predicted what would happen and it really did. Don't laugh because it really is true.

4. When my mom passed I contemplated commiting suicide a few days after the funeral. I had it all planned out. I figured my daughter could just go live with her dad. I knew he would take good care of her so I wouldn't have to worry about her. My brothers and sister could go live with their dad or my grandmother would keep them. I didn't really care how it actually worked out, all I knew was that I wanted to be with my mother. When my man came to my house I told him that I wanted to be with my mom and that I loved him but I could not be here without her. He got mad and told me I was talking crazy and acting stupid. He told me he wasn' t going to stay with me since I was acting stupid. I simply said ok. He got as far as the front door then he came back and told me he would watch me all night if he had to. I finally fell asleep and everytime I woke up he was right there watching tv, smoking a cigarette, and keeping an eye on me. When I went to the bathroom he was right there in the hallway making sure I wasn't trying something stupid.
After that night I never thought of doing anything stupid like that. I was just so grief stricken at that time I couldn't even think straight.

5. Last but not least y'all don't know that I'm going to be a self made millionaire in about 7-10 more years. I know that's everyone's dream but i'm going to make it happen. If you refer back to #3 You will know that I am speaking my future into existence.

I could actually do 10 things you don't know about me but I don't want to give to much all at once. Maybe I'll do another 5 things at a later date.

THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW

2007-02-04T20:25:00.002-08:00

Have you ever seen that movie? That's what's going on right now. It feels like we are entering another ice age. Tomorrow morning it will be 4-6 degrees outside. The wind chill factor will make it feel like -5 to -15 degrees. WTF!! I can not deal with that type of cold weather. It is going to be like this all week long. I can't wait until the spring comes.

One thing I am happy about is that I'm not still driving the same car I was driving last winter. There is no way it would have been able to make it through this cold weather. Having a newer, much better car gives me piece of mind when I'm faced with 0 degree temperatures.

Well there are other things I could be blogging about but I just wanted to share my concerns about the upcoming weather. If you don't hear from me by the middle of the week please be concerned because I could be somewere froze to death. But if I am froze, me and my child will be froze together because I plan on letting her stay home from school tomorrow because her school will probably be freezing. The heat is usually never working right. The principal actually warned them to dress warmer, because they anticipate it will be really cold in the school. All the money her dad pays for her to go to Catholic School and they can't provide enough heat. That pisses me off. I can't understand why I have to send my child out to school so she can be in there freezing for 7 hours. Then she will get sick because she is one of the sickliest kids I know. Then I have to take care of her. So, because my heat at home is working properly, I will be more than happy to keep her home tomorrow and just go up to the school to get any work she missed.

So until next time...please try to stay as warm as possible if you are also experiencing this arctic blast we are having.

Updating What's Going On

2007-01-28T01:10:00.000-08:00

First of all it took me forever to start this post because I had to set up an account with the new blogger on google. At first I kept trying to bypass it and just get to my dash board so I could just freakin blog but no matter what I did it wouldn't let me so I had to follow the rules and update....

Anyway...last night my daughter had her first scrimage. I was kind of excited about it but I didn't really know how excited I was until they actually started playing. Her team kind of sux but I'm assuming they will get better. This is only the third week they have been practicing
Before we got there she called her dad to ask if he was coming and of course he had the days mixed up. He though it was next Saturday. But because he is the wonderful father he is he was right there in no time flat. His wife and step son was with him. The step son is a real character. He always calls me his girlfriend. He is just to much and he is getting tall and very handsome. His wife and I were running our mouths so much we missed half the game. I swear I love that woman. We did stop gossiping long enough to enjoy the last part of the game. At first my daughter's team was being blown out then they started turning it around and they made a couple of good shots. That's when I started getting into it. If you read the last post I mentioned a girl that was really big. Well It just so happens she was on the other team they had to play. She was pretty good. She played the whole game and of course they couldn't really do anything with her. She was rough housing my daughter's whole team. My daughter just needs someone to do some one-on-one with her and she might play pretty good. So her dad is going to make extra time to show her a few things. I don't really know how much that's going to help her because he swears he can play. When I was with him 13 years ago I wasn't all that impressed with his basketball skills. Everytime he went to the court he would come home with a new injury. I'm talking about severe injuries. One time he went to the hospital and had a splint put on his right thumb. Another time he took a hit to his testicles that also landed him in the hospital and almost had him sterile. He was soft for almost 2 weeks (you know what I mean). Maybe he should not have been out there in the first place being as though he is only 5'6".
Anyhoo....It was a descent scrimage. Of course my daughter had an attitude afterwards and was ready to fight two of the girls. At first I was getting her all rowdy but then I calmed her down and told her that's not going to happen. I told her that I know there will be smart comments and attitudes flying because they are girls but that's not good sportsmanship to let that stuff get to her. She was calmer and said she would do better with her quick temper.

Afterwards I called Diamonds and we went to her house. It was my first time at her new place so of course I got lost. I always love going to her house because she is always trying to be so hospitable. Honestly it irks me because she over does it. She is always apologizing when things aren't perfect at her place. We are like family so I could care less about what's going on in her house because it's never as bad as she tries to make it seem. She is better than me because I hardly ever apologize for what my place is looking like at the time. Although if she came over right now I would have to keep her out of the kitchen. The dog decided I wasn't paying her enough attention so she decided to knock the trash over and make a mess all over the freakin' floor. My daughter picked up the trash but the floor definitely needs to be mopped. I will be doing that ASAP.

I was really happy to see her doing well. Just seeing her settled with her children. Not to mention the new car. Go 'head girl. Do the dam thing! hahaha. It's funny because there is always someone at work asking me about her and how she is doing and why doesn't she hardly work? Then when I tell them she is fine they always say something like "How does she live and pay bills when we never see her here working?" But apparantly whatever she is doing is working for her.

Meanwhile back at the ranch I have worked a million hours just this week alone. I always complain but the truth is I love this place. I am starting to get a little tired of being here. I'm actually getting tired of the drive. It's only about 15 miles but after a while 15 miles can become a pain in the ass if it's everyday. So after tonight I'm going to maybe take off about 5 or 6 days. Until I get bored out of my mind and I just have to come back in here.

Oh, one more thing before I go. I finally met "D's" girlfriend. He was at the scrimage. He was there to see his little cousin play. If you don't know who "D" is then refer back to the post "My Men" Him and Diamonds are the most important people to me at our job. I was going to meet her anyway some time next week but it just so happens that we were at the same place at the same time. They were so cute together. But we are still going out to dinner because we didn't get a chance to talk.

MY BABY

2007-01-24T22:35:00.000-08:00

If you have been reading my blog for a while then you know that I have had problems with my child before. Nothing major. Just the usual coming of age crap that preteens go through. Well, the last couple of weeks I have been seeing some improvement. Actually she got into trouble because I found out she has been keeping in contact with some little boy that I specifically told her she can not talk to. It's not just him it's boys in general. I feel like she is to young to be carrying on with these little rock head boys out here. Plus I put my little sister on the job. She pulled him to the side while they were in school and she put a bug in his ear. That's my girl.

Anyhoo, my daughter decided that she wants to play basketball. So of course I'm letting her. She goes to practice every Sat. night from 5:00pm until 7:00pm. At first I wasn't to crazy about it because they practice at the college. I told her to be very careful because most girls get rapped on campus. She looked at me like I was crazy and we both fell out laughing. But Lawd knows that is the truth. Anyway the first day of practice after I picked her up she was telling me how practice went. She told me that there were girls from all different schools there. Then she told me that there was this one girl that was a really big girl and if she has to ever play against her that she wasn't even going to try to block her or anything. She said she was just going to stay out of her way. So of course I was laughing at her. She was dead serious though. Then I started thinking that this girl must really be big because my child is not intimidated by anyone. She is not a big girl but she is tall and she has some nice weight on her. She is bigger than the rest of her friends and half of them are older than her. So anyway we were driving along and my daughter spotted the big girl so she pointed her out to me. OMG! I had to pull the car over because I was shocked. I asked my daughter if she ate another student while she was at practice. My daughter was laughing so hard. This little girl was no joke. She was just massive. I mean she was probably the same height as my child but she had to be about 50 pounds heavier than my child but she almost looked like she works out. It wasn't really sloppy weight. I just couldn't believe it. I'm going to ask to see some id on her. There is no way she can be in middle school.
So this weekend they have a scrimmage and I'm going to go because I'm so proud of my baby

A few days ago she came home with a progress report from school. I couldn't believe she has really bought all of her grades up. I was so proud of her. She will actually have a descent report card for the first time in a few years. She even had the nerve to say that she was going to do better because she knows that she can. I was floored. She even disputed an issue with her math teacher about her homework. Her teacher said she was missing a few assignment and my daughter asked her to double check and make sure she didn't make a mistake. I was so impressed that she was showing an interest in her schoolwork. She hasn't done that in about 3 years.

I wanted to reward her for doing good work so I took her to the hair salon. She hasn't had her hair done in a month. I usually try to make sure she gets it done every 2 weeks. Her hair is her pride and joy so keeping it done for her is always a priviledge. I took her to my hair dresser instead of her own hairdresser and she liked her. So she said she didn't mind coming back again. I could see her getting very nervous when she was getting her ends clipped. She was scared she was going to butcher her hair. You know how it is when someone new does your hair. There is always some nervousness there.
When she got out of the chair I was just to through. It still amazes how cute she is. I'm actually just starting to think that she is cute and everyone else thinks she is so gorgeous. But when she got out of that chair and her hair was so full and flowey. She has the kind of hair that some women would kill for. She had on her little Catholic school uniform. Then when she put her glasses on she is just to cute. She definitely looks older than 13. As much as I love her being cute I can't really appreciate it until she turns 18. Right now her cuteness is like a thorn in my side.

No matter how grown up she looks it doesn't stop me from pinching her and kissing all over her. She usually gets mad about it but she just lets me do it because she knows that I'm just going to do it whether she likes it or not.

Nothing Else Needs To Be Said

2007-01-22T22:14:00.000-08:00

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,They think I'm telling lies.
I say,It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,The stride of my step,The curl of my lips.
I'm a womanPhenomenally.Phenomenal woman,That's me.
I walk into a roomJust as cool as you please,
And to a man,The fellows stand orFall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,A hive of honey bees.
I say,It's the fire in my eyes,And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,And the joy in my feet.
I'm a womanPhenomenally.Phenomenal woman,That's me.
Men themselves have wonderedWhat they see in me.
They try so muchBut they can't touchMy inner mystery.
When I try to show themThey say they still can't see.
I say,It's in the arch of my back,The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,The grace of my style.
I'm a womanPhenomenally.Phenomenal woman,That's me.
Now you understandJust why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump aboutOr have to talk real loud.
When you see me passingIt ought to make you proud.
I say,It's in the click of my heels,The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,The need of my care,'Cause I'm a womanPhenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,That's me.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That is just how I'm feeling today

She Must Be Crazy

2007-01-20T03:01:00.000-08:00

I'm sick of this hussy. First of all she came to my house last night about 9:45 pm. Her son was outside my house knocking on my door and calling my name. My daughter went to the door. Of course she said something to him about calling my name all loud like he was crazy. Then my daughter told me that my cousin was outside and she wanted me. I was like WTF. Don't that hussy know how freakin cold it was out there. Not only that but I had just woke up. I actually slept from 12:30 until 9:15. I know that is sickening but what can I say. Y'all know I work night shift so my sleep is all messed up. So anyway I finally rolled over and slipped on a pair of slippers and put on my coat and went outside to see what the hell she wanted. As I was walking to the car I was thinking "dam she bothers me more now that she has moved" I didn't see her this much when she lived 4 doors down from me.

I got in the back seat of the car and I was instantly disgusted. Why did she have some chick and some old geezer in the car. No, really he is a geezer. As a matter of fact this is the same guy she bought over to my house and told me that he would paint my house for me. I took one look at him and I knew his ass was not painting my dam house. After he left I asked her what the hell possesed her to bring somebody to my house with ONE dam eye. Yes he had one good eye. The other one was just roaming all over the place. Well, he was in the back of the car. She must have been trying to get him to do something for her. But the real reason why I was disgusted was because she had my aunt's (her mother) car. My aunt hates giving her the car because she never does what she is supposed to do. And she is always joy riding around. She doesn't know what it is like to have a descent car so she doesn't know how to act when she gets in one. Her and her husband have a beat up car that the stearing wheel doesn't really turn to the right. So because my aunt tries to act like she is mean but she really is a softie she gives her the car against her better judgement. I know she hates for "T" to have a million people in her car and everytime I see her she is picking up someone and riding them around. That really pisses me off because my aunt has a brand new 07 Camry and I know eventually "T" is going to start wearing it out because that is just how she is.

So she chit-chatted with me for a while and said she just wanted to see how I was doing and what was going on. What the hell did she think was going on? I mean she has only been gone off the block for 2 weeks. Did she think in that time frame I ran off, got married and had a baby? So then she hit me with the real reason why she came over. "Ummm, listen I'm gonna need a loan"
I just chuckled to myself. I just plain and simply said I don't have it right now.
What makes her think I'm going to give her a loan? I REFUSE to EVER let her borrow money UNTIL either her or her man decides to get a job. Why do people think that they can lay up and get goverment money AND your money. Oh HELL to- the- NO!

A few months ago she asked me if she could borrow $80.00 for her gas and electric bill. I told her she had to wait a few days. Eventhough I wasn't really sure I was going to give it to her I was giving it some thought. So a few days later she was at my house and me, her and my sister was talking. She had the audacity to say to me that her man don't even want her to work. But she said it with a hint of arrogance like they had it going the fuck on. I just kinda went off a little bit. I told her I like how everybody asking can they borrow money and complaining that they don't have this that and the other because they just can't afford it but nobody wants to work. I told her that they both act like they live in a house on a hill and got everything they want and need. I told her God blesses the child that has his own and in order to have what you want you have to work for it. Then I calmed down a bit and I said I don't want it to sound like I'm bitter because I work and I work hard but I can't understand why able-bodied people are laying around and won't go to work. Needless to say that whole thing basically went over top of her head because she went into something else. So I'm sure you can imagine that she didn't get $80.00 out of me. I don't care if it was for her electricity. She just would have been a in the dark and cold ass somebody. But she is resourceful so she got it from some other poor unsuspecting soul.

Not to mention my black ass is still trying to play catch up from Christmas. I don't have no dam money for anyone else. Who the hell I'm going to call when I'm broke as hell. I'll tell you one thing. There is no way I will go to a family member or a friend to borrow any money if I have a man laid up in my bed every night. When I'm with someone I feel like it is his job to provide what I'm missing. I don't care if he has to beg borrow or steal he needs to handle his business. Her husband has no shame with letting his wife beg the whole dam family and her friends for money. What type of shit is that. Not only that but right now I'm doing everything by myself. My man is on lock down so I don't have no time to worry about someone who has their man right there with them.
What can I say.....It's a cold cold world we live in.

What's your Fav's?

2007-01-18T00:51:00.000-08:00

I do some of my best thinking when I'm driving along in my car. Especially when I'm on my way to work or coming from work. It's only about a 25 minute drive but I kinda get in a zone and my mind just drifts off. I think a lot of what I think about has to do with the music I listen to. I think I have a pretty descent selection in my car. # 1 is Beyonce. There is no order in which I have my cd's arranged. It's not like I have her as #1 because I am such a fan. But anyway. I like listening to her new cd because it's an angry cd. Y'all know what I mean. It's not like the first one where she was just so in love she couldn't see straight. My 2 favorite songs are "Upgrade" and "Ring the alarm". Both of these songs make me smile to myself. They make me reflect on my relationship with my man. I'm not saying that they describe what was going on in our relationship but for some reason I just still think about me and him.
Cd #2 is a mix cd of all Jay-z. OMG!! I freakin' love this cd. My sister and I both agree that it was the best $5.00 we spent in a long time. There are 87 songs on it. Of course the whole entire song doesn't play but the way it is put together is the shyte. When I listen to this cd I just reminisce about back in the day when I was wild as hell. Always at the club. Always in the company of some thorough ass niggaz. Always getting my drink on. Just doing me!
Cd #3 is Akon. It's funny because I got this cd from my white boy at work. He swears he is black. Anyhoo, when I listen to this cd it doesn't remind me of a time or place I just kinda groove to it.
Cd #4 is a classic that I CAN NOT get rid of. It's Usher. I can listen to that cd over and over and never get tired of it. Every once in a while you will encounter a cd that is timeless and to me Usher is definitely one of those cd's. It makes me think of laying up with someone. Not even anyone in particular, just whoever. I think people who are in love should be sitting back chillin and listening to this cd. (Diamonds that comment was directed to you)
Cd #5 is also a classic that I love to death. It's Ne-yo. This is a cd I also can't get enough of. This cd actually makes me think of my men at work. They are all big fans of this cd. Especially "N" which by the way is my white boy. So whenever I'm listening to Ne-yo I'm thinking about some shananigans that have gone on at work between me and "N".
Last but not least cd #6 changes between Lyfe Jennings and Trick Trina. That is 2 different ends of the spectrum. I like Lyfe's cd because I can just relate to so much of what he is saying. I'm so sure most people can. It makes me think about how far I have come and how much further I plan to go. When I'm listening to Trina I'm sure you can imagine what I'm thinkin of. She is a nasty ass hoe. That is one cd I definitely do not listen to if my child is in the car.

These are just the cd's I can fit in my cd changer at one time but I have plenty of cd's to choose from. But right now these are the flavors of the month or however long I decide to listen to them.

On another note...I was going to blog about some more BS that happened between my cousin and her huband, but I was to pissed off to even get into it. I was in a good mood so I didn't want to ruin it by getting all upset over someone else's drama. I will get into it later.

This is my opinion, Am I wrong?

2007-01-13T01:56:00.000-08:00

It's not that I think I'm Dr. Phil but other people think I am. What really pisses me off is that they will actually seek me out for my advvice then when I give it they act like they are really listening and they are going to follow the advice but the truth is they are still going to do whatever the hell they want to do. Let me explain where this is coming from.....

Last week as I was turning the corner to my house I noticed a familiar car outside. It was my cousin's husband's ex-wife's truck. Did you understand that? If not take a minute to read over it again. I'll wait......You got it? So when I got in the house my daughter told me that my cother cousin called me and she wanted me to call her and it was kinda important. This ain't the cousin who lives right down the street from me. It was her sister who lives across town. So I called her to get the scoop on what was going on. She told me that my other cousin, I'll call her "T" and her husband were having an arguement over something that supposedly happened between their children. Her husband told her if he finds out that what his son is accusing her son of doing is true then he is leaving her. That is where his ex-wife comes in at. He actually had the balls to call her to come and get him and his kids because he was leaving "T". So she was patiently parked outside of their house and waiting for him to get his stuff and come with her. WTF!! When I heard that I was like "you gotta be kiddin me" "T" was basically almost begging him to stay. Can you believe that BS. The reason why that was such a bad situation( as if I really have to explain what is so bad about it) She had a lot of problems with this woman at the beginning of the relationship. She was always very protective of his children eventhough they are not her kids and she still wanted to play mommy to them eventhough they had been broken up for a while. She has always wanted him back and was very devastated when he proposed to "T". So with all that has happened between this woman and "T" I could not believe she was now bold enough to be sitting outside of my cousin's house and waiting for him to leave her! I really could not believe my cousin didn't go the hell off and beat the shyte out of both of them and send his sorry ass packing.

On top of him just flat out disrespecting her like that, he had the nerve to pull up in front of their house earlier that day and he was driving her truck. He claimd that he just ran into her and he needed to run a few errands so she let him use her truck. The more I was hearing about the story the more pissed I was getting. Actually there is so much more to this story but I just really don't feel like telling every thing because that would make this blog about a mile long.

Like first of all. He hasn't worked ever since they got married in June. What grown ass man wants to just lay around and not be able to provide for his family. Meanwhile "T" has basically borrowed money from all her friends and family members. He doesn' t worry to much about anything because he knows she will take care of everything. Her mom has talked to her and she has expressed to her mother that she sometimes regrets marrying him. Our grandmother has told her that she needs to do something about her situation because she is really doing bad right now. The way she is living is wrong. He doesn't take care of his own kids. She does everythng while he goes to Yu-gi o Tornaments. Yes you heard me. He is a grown ass man and he plays video games with a vengence. He has Yu-gi o cards and everything. But he has no freakin JOB. He is very lazy and has a dam nerve to be demanding. I swear I could go on and on. I could really tell you some things that would make your head spin but like I said that would make this a mile long.

Yesterday she came to my house and I couldn't really talk because I was getting ready for work and I was already running late as usual. She wanted me to come to her new house because they moved a few days ago (thank god). She said she really need to talk to me. She tried to quickly explain to me that things weren't what they appeared to be the other day. She said she values my opinion and she would like some advice on something. I said ok. I told her I would come over the next day and talk to her.

NOW.... Like I said at the beginning of the blog, why do people act like they are so interested in what you have to say when they know they are still going to do what they want to do. I know dam well she knows me well enough to know that my response is going to be "you need to get a freakin divorce" I know that sounds harsh but why would anyone put up with that shit? Why would you be a 39 year old woman married to a 29 year old boy with 4 kids, no job, no money, babymomma drama, ex-wife drama? He is disrespectful. He is lazy. He is a slob. He is a "supposed" Muslim. She is a Christian woman. That fact right there has been a problem in their relationship. There are just so many things that is wrong with what is going on in their relationship. I am a firm believer that you don't know what's going on between a man and a woman. You don't really know how they feel about each other. You don't know about the intimate talks they may have in the comfort of their bedroom. Only they really know what is going on with them. But I'm not talking about feelings. I'm talking about the other things that factor in and there are to many other things that are a factor. There is no way at the age of 39 I would have entered into a relationship that had so many strikes against us. If they were young and just starting out and they were going to build together that is somehing different. But the fact is he is young and he came into her life with all this baggage. She is going backward. Now she is taking care of his bad ass kids that are not hers when her kids are older. She is broke beyond belief and she has never done this bad before. There has just been one problem after the other and I just want to know what the hell makes her think it is worth it. Is it because she wants to be able to say that she has a husband? I'm sorry but I will be single before I deal with that headache. So anyway I'm going to tell her she needs to get the marriage annulled and keep it moving and if his ex-wife wants him back so bad let him be her freakin headache.

YOU CAN KEEP THAT

2007-01-11T02:25:00.000-08:00

I went to Red Lobster the other day with my sister. Before we left my ex-boyfriend called me and when I told him where I was going he asked me to come past his new place. He basically lives up the street from the restaurant and I was supposed to go over there weeks ago to see him. Our schedules were so conflicted that I never got a chance to go over there. Not only that but he has a girlfriend and they have been together a little over a year. So of course it had to be a day when he was able to get away from her for a while. Over the last couple of weeks we have been talking and flirting a little. We entertained the idea of a little hanky panky between us. That was unusual for me because I don't like backtracking with ex's. I only wanted to do it for all the wrong reasons. I don't like him being with his slut of a girlfriend. Yeah I called her a slut. No I don't know her but I know her kind. Let me explain....
My ex, let's call him Adam, is extremely attracted to raunchy chicks. What I mean by that is he is a good boy who likes bad girls. He likes pretty and wild girls. He wants the girl that everyone else wants. These are some of the same things that attracted him to me, and all the others before me. I remember one time he picked me up from my house and it was early and I was in chill mode. I had on some big sweat pants a scarf on my head and a tee-shirt, with a pair of flip-flops. We were on our way to his house and we seen one of his good friends that I had never met before. Well his friend came over to the car and they chit-chatted for a quick minute and we left. We went to his place and I took a shower and got dressed did my hair and make-up then we went back past his friends house. When his friend came outside he told me to get out of the car and he introduced him to me. I couldn't believe it. He didn't even think to introduce us when I was looking a hot mess. But as soon as I got myself together he made me get out of the car to meet this guy. I couldn't believe he did that. He always says he wasn't trying to be smart but I swear he was. H can't be seen with a girl that's not up to par

So anyhoo...I just went on a rant.....He said he doesn't know how many times he has come over her house and some dude was sitting on the couch chillin. She always tells him to stop trippin because that's just a friend of hers or that's just someone she smokes with or whatever. I don't know how many times I told him I was just cool with some dude and I was really screwing him. So it burns me up to hear that she says stuff like that. Oh, one more thing...did I mention she is a stripper. That's all she has done since high school and that's all she knows how to do. That really pisses me off!

So back to the other day. I went to see him and he was trying to get me to stay with him. I had my sister with me but he didn't care. He wanted me to let my sister take my car home and he would drop me of later at her house to get my car. I didn't really want to but I was thinking about it. Then I had to use the bathroom and that was it for me. This hussy had all her person items all over the freaking bathroom. On the side of the tub. All on the counter and under the sink. That was enough for me. I immedietly started to feel like I was invading another woman's space. I know it is his place but they are really together and it was evident. So after that little display I was ready to roll out. So me and my sister got ready to go. He was trying to hug and kiss and get me to stay but I wasn't having it. So I left. He was texting me and asking me to come back but like I said I wasn't all that enthused in the first place at the thought of us being together again in that way. So I told him that I didn't really feel comfortable there. I told him it felt like I was violating.

The whole point is that I guess I've grown. Back in the day I would have done it just for GP. Just because I know she really thinks that she got him wrapped around her finger and there is no way he would cheat because he really isn't that type of guy. I think he just wants to do it just to know that he cheated on her just like she cheated on him. I don't even want to be a pawn in that little game. It's not worth it. I also just feel like he deserves better. He knows he does but he just can't help but be attracted to that bad girl in her. Another thing that crosses my mind is...eventhough we would have safe sex of course, who wants to sleep with a guy who is sleeping with a stripper especially when he knows she has cheated on him? EEEWWWW. Who knows how many times she has cheated on him and if she has practiced safe sex. Like I said before I don't want to be a pawn in their little game.

What to expect in the new year

2007-01-03T03:30:00.000-08:00

First let me start by saying Happy New Year to everyone. I hope so far things are looking positive for everyone. If you have made New Year Resolutions I hope you are able to accomplish all of them.

This is my first post in about 2 weeks and the first post of the new year. I have so much to say but nothing really at all. I didn't make any New Year Resolutions because when I thought about it I realized I'm still going to be the same ole Trina. That's exactly why the name of my blog is simply Trinabeingtrina. Because I'm just me all day and all night. I could say, "I'm going to stop being so much of a procrastinator" but honestly I'm still going to be the same person who takes forever to finally do something. I wait until the last minute for just about everything. I'm not usually on time for things. I'm always the last person ready. OH WELL , that's just me. I could also say, "I'm gong to stay out of everyone's business and I'm not going to act like I'm Dr. Phil" hahaha, yeah right. First of all in my defense. People have a tendancy to just come right out and tell me all of their business. I don't know what it is but they just look at me and feel comfortable enough to tell me whatever is on their minds. Everyone knows that all you have to say is, "this is between me and you". That one little phrase keeps my lips sealed and no matter how juicy the story is I will not devulge (did I spell that right) any information. I don't neccesarily need to be gossiping about everything I know I just like the pure satisfaction of knowing what everyone else don't know yet. I say "yet" because we all know that everything that is done in the dark has a way of making its way to the light. Now as far as me being "DR. Phil" That is because not only do I listen intently to the problem but I ALWAYS have some clever advise. What can I say, apparantly I am wise beyond my years always have been and always will be. I could also say that I'm going to stop being so dam mean and evil, once again I say haha. I have quite a mean streak. I am very aware of it but I'm not just flat out evil for no reason. I am actually sweet as Georgia Pie(don't ask where that expression came from). I am only evil when my buttons are pushed. I am very vendictive. I know that is not good but my mom used to be the only person who could calm my little ass right down but now that she is gone I have to practice more self control. But seriuosly for the most part I am very very pleasant :-)
I could also say that I will try to have a more meaningful relationship. A relationship that consists more of love than money. Lawd knows that would be a flat out lie. I initially am attracted to what I think you might be able to do for me. I know thay sound horrible but I feel like I can be that way because I work hard and I want someone who works hard also and can do things for me just like I can do for myself. I'm not a flat out golddigger who is looking for something unrealistic like a swiss bank account or a yacht, a five bedroom mansion on a hill, a Bentley, Maserati and Cadillac Escalade in the driveway. That's not what I'm talking about although Lawd knows I wish something like that would happen. I 'm just talking about someone who is willing to come home out of the clear blue sky and have a new gold bracelet just for GP. Or just pass off $100.00 and say, "baby go buy a pair of shoes". Someone who can pay for a little lobster, eventhough I don't eat lobster that often. The point is I want to know that if we go out and eat I don't have to watch what I order because he is counting every single penny. I'm not one of those girls who are happy with just having a man around. I need him to be worth something.

The only thing for sure that I know is that I will branch out and do other things besides my job. I want to expand my resume. I'm not really sure what direction I'm going to go in yet but I have a few things in mind. I won't share them rght now. Other than that what it comes down to is in the '07 I'm still going to be trinabeingtrina!

2006-12-15T18:31:00.000-08:00

Before I get into this post I want to first address the "anonymous" comments from my last post. I know that whoever left the comments are people who usually read my blog. I don't get anon comments from outside people, so whoever it was can kiss my ass because you are a coward by not identifying yourself. You raise your kids the way you want to raise them, if you even have any kids, and I will raise mine the way I want to raise mine. I won't go any further because beyond what I just said I don't feel the need to explain any further. So with that said, let's move on, shall we.....

Remember a few posts ago I posted about "my men" at work. I mentioned how I don't really deal with to many women because it is always some dam drama. Well the other day just proved what I was talking about. I had a fall out with a girl that I work with. We were actually pretty cool with each other and she really is crazy and has some emotional problems but she is a really good person. Anyway when she got to work you could tell she was already in one of her moods. She is always cranky because she never really gets enough sleep during the day. There is no way you can work night shift if you are not getting proper sleep during the day. That shit will drive you crazy. So she had a freaked up attitude as soon as she walked in the door. I basically ignored her attitude all night long until about 6:00 am. She was going off on our supervisor about something and my suprvisor jokingly asked me to calm her down. I simply said I'm not paying her any attention because she is crazy. OMG! That really sent her over the freaking edge. She starts screaming about some other girl we work with and how she is lazy and does not want to do what she is supposed to do. She went on about how she gets stuck doing everything and blah, blah,blah. I lookd at her like she was crazy. I told her no one wants to hear her bitchin' about what she does because we all do what we are supposed to do. I told her she is the one that wants to do the extra shit that she is not supposed to worry about but she wants to act like she has the weight of the world on her shoulders. So if she wants to do everything and act like she is in charge of something then I don't want to hear about how much work she does. So I walked away because I know how I get once I start going off. So as I was walking away she said something smart about some medicine her man had just gave me. He works in the pharmacy and I had asked him for some medicine for my daughter's allergies. So when I got downstairs I thought about what she said and I so nicely came back upstairs and I threw the medicine back at her and I told her she can have the medicine back because I don't want her or her man to think I owe them anything later and I also told her I don't want no freakin' hugs and kisses later. Because the last time we had a fall out the next day she came over to me and hugged and kissed me and apologized. She new she was wrong. By the time I was leaving 2 people asked me what happened because she called them and was crying about me cussing her out. That really pisses me off because I feel like you shouldn't dish it if you can't take it. Another thing is obviously she knew she was wrong if she feels the need to call certain people we work with so she can explain what happened or give her side of the story. That is so freakin' juvenile. What grade are we in? No one else needed to know what happened. It was bad enough it happened at the nurse's station and everyone from that floor was witness to the incident. I haven't spoken a word to anyone else about it because that's the type of dumb shit that will have supervisors all up in the business trying to find out what happened and make a big deal out of it. That was her 2nd strike with me and that's all you get is 2 strikes not 3.

Anyhoo, that's a perfect example of why I chill with the men at work. I don't have to worry about them PMSing or getting all emotional. I hate women that cry over every little thing. That is some week shit.

This is irrelevant to anything but me and "K" was not on speaking terms because he was withholding some vital information from me. I told him that I wouldn't speak to him until he told me what I wanted to know. That was a few months ago. He told me that he could hold out longer than me. HAHA... I definitely laughed at that because no one is more stubborn than I am. So last night he finally broke down he said he couldn't stand us not talking. So he told me what I wanted to know and now everything is cool with us. I always get my way becauseI am willing to push it to the limit! ;-)

Have a blessed weekend!

More of the same BS with her!

2006-12-10T15:05:00.000-08:00

Friday morning I got a phone call from my daughter's math teacher. She told me that my daughter got into trouble a few days ago in her class and she was sent home with a letter that I was supposed to sign before she returned to school. My daughter told her teacher that I signed it but she forgot it and left it at home. I told the teacher that I had no knowledge of the letter. She said that she was going to give her in-house suspension for the day because she lied to her. I apologized to her for not knowing about her getting into trouble. Needless to say I was extremely pissed off.
Later that afternoon when my daughter got home from school I asked her why did she lie to her teacher about the letter. Of course she had some dumb ass excuse about how she forgot about the letter and she left it in her desk at school. I so politely reminded her how much I absolutely despise when she flat out lies. I then punched her in the mouth. It wasn't that hard. She wasn't bleeding or anything like that. I just wanted her to feel it. I wasn't trying to really really hurt her. Then I sent her into her room. A few minutes later I remembered it was report card day. So I called her back into my room and asked her where was her report card. Of course I got the same response I always get, "I forgot I had it." WTF... I asked her did she have a child, or a mortgage, or a car note or bills that are due? I told her that all she has to concentrate on is school. I'm sick and tired of hearing that excuse "I forgot" Anyway she showed me her report card and needless to say it looked like TRASH! I told her that she just made my Christmas shopping a whole lot easier. I told her a while ago that her Christmas was only going to look as good as her report card. But then again that has always been the rule. So I called her dad and told him he better not buy her another thing. He agreed with me. He was kinda in the neigboorhood so he stopped by and talked to her. Then I told him to just take her with him. She was really pissed off then because she calls herself kinda cutting him off. She hasn't been over his house in about a month. She used to go every weekend, but she called herself being upset with him. But I made her go because I know I would have been going on and on all weekend about her report card. I didn't feel like wasting my breath and I also wanted to save her the aggravation of me making her feel bad all weekend. So I just wanted time to cool off because I am really sick and tired of her. I have been going thru this with her for the last 4 years with her school work. I have made a decision. Since I feel like I have done everything to try to help her there is one more thing that I thought about but I haven't done. I'm going to call the school and find out how to get in touch with the child study team and I'm going to have her tested to see if maybe she has a learning disability. I know it sounds a little extreme, but I need to know if there is something else wrong with her besides her being a social butterfly. Maybe she is not paying attention because she doesn't understand what's going on and she looses interest so she starts acting up in class. Maybe she is embarrassed because she honestly does not understand what's being taught. I neeed some answers and maybe getting her tested will give me a better perspective on what's going on with her.

My epiphany about what I'm missing

2006-12-02T19:36:00.000-08:00

I need some sex and the city friends. You know the kind of friends that are single and sexy. Free and fabulous. Ready to do whatever. I think that's what I'm missing. I used to have a whole crew. It was 6 of us. It was always at least 4 of us out at a time. Dam we used to have so much fun. The thing I really like was all of us were fly as hell in our own way. We were all different so you could basically take your pick. Whatever your type of woman was you could find it in our crew. It was like Baskin' Robbins. Thirty-wonderful flavors all rolled into 6 women. We are still cool with each other and some of them still really hang out together but they are into things that are just not my cup of tea anymore. I wouldn't mind it at all if we were all still going out together but I just thought that we would evolve into other things but apparently I was wrong. I'm looking for girlfriends who are as cute and superficial as I am. She needs to be able to be ready to go out within a 2-3 hour notice. I don't mean just to the club. I mean to a play. To a lounge. Just to a bar to have a couple of drinks. Just to go out and have dinner because none of us feel like cooking. As a matter of fact we should have a favorite spot that we frequent just to eat. Every sitcom you see always has a spot that everyone meets at. We should be able to meet up in the middle of the day and have lunch or go shopping for shoes. Take a weekend road trip or plan a cruise. Am I asking to much? Do I have way to much time on my hands? What is my problem?

I have basically set myself up for this type of lifestyle but I have no one to share it with. I'm feeling empty and unfulfilled. hahaha. This is the reason I only have one child, because I always knew just how much I valued my freedom. I looked at children as me wearing shackels. hahaha. I want to be able to get up get dressed and roll out the door. I can pretty much do that now that my child is older. Hell, even when she was a baby I had all the freedom in the world. It was nothing for her dad to keep her for an entire week. I was so lucky. I knew the second time around things probably would not have been as sweet so I couldn't chance having a triflent baby daddy. I also have a lot of freedom and flexibility as far as my job goes. I make my own schedule, so if I need to take time off I just don't schedule myself to work. I make pretty decent money and I always have a few dollars put up for a rainy day when I might want to play ;-) I am good and single right now but when I was with my man we gave each other the space we needed if we wanted to go do whatever. The bottom line is I can't find a few chicks that are compatible with me. I know they must be out there. I'm about to put out a personal add in the newspaper:
SBW seeking fun fabulous friends. Must be able to do some traveling. Must not have any babysitting issues with little ones. And finances need to somewhat be in order. If interested please contact me at _______________( fill in #)

How does that sound?

Tea Time

2006-12-01T02:29:00.000-08:00

Right about now it is aprroximately 5:31am and I am at work having "tea time" with "N". We are sitting in the registrar's office. The lights are out. We have quiet and calming music playing. I'm about to make a little sign to put outside the window that says "Tea Time in effect, Please Do Not Disturb".
We have just perfected our tea. It is in a 20 ounce wawa cup. With 2 tea bags, and aproximately 16 sugar packets. I am dinking peach tea and it tastes great.
I just wanted to share my tea time experience because it is so relaxing. It is so ZEN!
Have a great weekend!

In my neck of the woods

2006-11-29T23:30:00.000-08:00

I'm focused man. I am the mutha freakin' woman. I finally finished painting my living room and it looks pretty good. Especially for someone who has never actually painted before or done any real home improvements. At least not all by myself. I usually just come along at the end of the project and finish it up. But this time I was a big girl all by myself. I primed, spackeled, sanded and painted. I was not even playing around. The other day me and Carla (you might remeber her from other posts) went to pick out curtains. I spent a litle over $100.00 on curtains and curtain rods for 3 windows. I still have to buy curtains for 2 more windows in the dining room but I will wail until I finish painting that room. Then I got my step mother's carpet cleaner from my sister. This morning I was going to clean the carpets in the living room and all the upstairs carpets, but the cleaner was acting up. Now I love my sister to death but if she broke it I will definitely let her and my dad know that it was jacked up when I got it from my sister. I am not going to be responsible for a broken carpet cleaner.

Anyhoo...The other day I got a text from someone and it said "I've been thinking about you lately, how are you?" I didn't know the number so I text back "Who the hell is this and do you have the right #?" He text back and it was "D" .UUUGGGHHH Why won't he just loose my freakin number? He tried to cause to much drama between me and my man and I have no respect for him, because that was some real whack ass bitch shit he was doing. But he still texts me every now and again just to see if I'm going to give in and talk to him. Plus he is used to always still being able to call old flames and be able to check them out. I'm not like that. Once we are over and done I don't see a need to backtrack. You don't have to keep fuckin someone you was with just because you used to be with them. That's how some people are. I'm like once it's done it's done. I hardly miss the people I see every dam day so I really don't miss someone I don't talk to anymore. There was another ex-boyfriend of mine that called me out of the clear blue sky one day. He called my job and Diamonds called me at home to tell me he was looking for me. I called him and I have no idea why I did. But we did talk and the conversation was painless. I guess I was so surprised he called because the things I said to him the last time we talked were horrendous. (did Ipell that right?). Personally I would have never ever spoken to me again. But I guess people just don't hold grudges the way I do. They should. Anyway. I'm not a backtrack kinda chick. That is for people who don't have options. That is for people who are not cute enough to just pick up someone sexier than the one you just left or at least as sexy. LOOSERS

Other than that there isn't to much else going on in my neck of the woods. What' going on in your woods?

I Almost Feel Guilty

2006-11-26T12:51:00.000-08:00

I'm not trying to take pleasure in his pain. Actually I wish the very best for him. But Lawd knows I just don't want to be bothered with him. I can't accept collect calls on my phone unless I agree to a pre-paid account through the Camden County phone service. Ain't that some shit. When he calls they give you the option to set up an account with them and you can either put $25.00 or $50.00 on your accont. When it runs out they let you know and you can always add more money. The first time he called of course added money on to the account so I could speak with him. I was also concerned because he did have a broken leg, and stitches in his face. The cops did rough him up. Of course I do not wish any ill will on him so I wanted to make sure he was ok. We talked for a few days until the money ran out then I added another $25.00 to the account. But I knew that was it for me. Usually when he gets locked up we never have a chance to talk to each other because I never take the collect call block off my phone. So why would I let this time be any different.

Since he has been gone I have been truely happy. I'm not even talking about since he has been locked up because he was already gone from my house 3 weeks before the incident happened. He had been trying everything he could think of for me to let him come back home. He even called me out the clear blue and said he talked to some contractors about doing some work on my house. Before all this happened he was supposed to get my basement recarpeted. That was what I asked for for my birthday. He even said he was going to have them paint the house. I needed the living room and dining room done. That was his way of getting back in my good graces. I was extremely tempted but I was very skeptical. I started thinking that I could get all that shit done myself. It might take me a little longer but I don't give a dam if the house was falling down around my ankles. As long as I can be there all by myself without him nothing else matters. I love waking up in my bed all by myself. I can sleep diagnal, parallel, upside down spread eagle or whatever. When I clean up my bedroom I know it will still be clean when I get home from work in the morning.

I don't have to hear his loud ass snoring. I don't have to smell his funky ass cigarettes. I don't have to argue over what bill needs to be paid. I don't have to cook for him (which I rarely did anyway). I don't have to worry about him in the streets all night. Not cheating but just in the lime light into the drugs. (I would probably feel better if he was cheating). Speaking of that, I don't have to pretend that I'm half way enjoying sex when I'm just not really into it. Hell, now that I think about it maybe he was cheating. I wish she would have came to get him a long time ago. Basically I don't have to see his face or hear his voice. I freakin' love it. I hate him being where he is but like I said I'm just happy I don't have to deal with him. I just wanted to be free. He's talking about he might get 5 with a 3. For those who don't know what that means. First of all be happy that you are not familiar with the legal lingo. That means you haven't had to deal with this mess. Anyway it means he will be sentenced to 5 years, but will be eligible for parole in 3 years. If he gets 3 years he already knows what the deal is. I do not do bids. Shyte in 3 years I could be married and pregnant. That second part will never happen. I doubt if the first one will happen but you never know.

On another note. I am finished painting my living room. WHOOPIE!! I'm so proud of myself. I even went out to the store and brought new curtains. They are so sexy. I can't wait to put them up. Then I'm going to start on my dining room. I can't wait to finish. But I'm taking my time to complete one room at a time. Everything will be done by Christmas. After I'm done painting and putting up curtains I'm going to clean the rugs and get the furniture cleaned. I can't wait. I'm just going to lay back and enjoy my house and my holidays without him.

Thanksgiving and the next day

2006-11-24T08:11:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving was great as usual. I feel sorry for people who are forced to eat only mediocrely good food. hahaha...Because my daddy must have put his draws in that food! Everything was so good. I also like how it wasn't overcrowded like it usually is. We have so much family that comes over but this year it was just the regulars. It was really nice. We cleaned up early and left kinda early. It was around 11:30pm but that is early for us. I had to get home to get a little rest for Black Friday shopping

I just got home and I must say I did good. I actually went out by myself. Usually I have a small enterage with me but this year everyone either had to work or had other things to do.But it was fine because I like shopping by myself. I got my 2 sisters out of the way. I'm not going to mention what I got just in case they read this. Then I went to the mall and started on my daughter. Most of the clothing stores had 50% off everything. I made out really good there. I am especially proud of myself because I did not spend any money on me. It was hard but I did it. It is especially hard because me and my daughter pretty much wear the same size.I wanted to buy two of everything I brought for her just in a different color. But I was able to restrain myself. Anyway I am on a quick intermission. I am now about to take my little sister to Wal-mart. I know it's late in the morning and we won't get the crazy sales that was going on, but nevertheless it is still Wal-mart and I'm sure we can find something to spend some money on.

My birthday

2006-11-20T17:17:00.000-08:00

This past weekend was my birthday weekend and it was really nice. I was basically with my sister the whole time. On Friday we went out to have a few drinks. She was trying to get me drunk because I always get her drunk on her birthday. Her and her friends paid for everything. Then on Saturday, which was really my birthday, we hung out all day. We were at the mall shopping and eating. Then we went home and got ready for the club. The club was actually nice. Once again they paid for all of my drinks.

Why did some little young boy try to talk to me. While we were sitting there chit-chatting I was thinking to myself that he was kinda cute but he looks kinda young. Sure enough when he told me his age I was blown away. He was only 22. What the hell am I going to do with a 22 year old when my man is 29 and I won't date anyone any younger than that. I gave him my phone number anywway.

After the club I called Diamonds and her and her brother met me at our favorite diner. She brought me some perfume. Glow by J-lo. I loved the smell of it. After we were done eating she had the waitress come over with the rest of the crew and they sang happy birthday to me with a piece of cake with a candle in it. That was the icing on the cake for my birthday. I was very satisfied how the whole day went.

Sunday me and my sister was back out shopping again. Then we went to our dad's house. He cooked us shrimp and crab legs, while we watched movies on demand. Sometimes I love going to his house. Actaully I always love going there except for when he is always complaining about us not coming over enough :-) Anyway while I was there the young boy callled me. He asked what I was doing because he wanted to know if I was interested in bowling. I though that was really cute. I declined his invitation because I was so comfortable at my daddy's house just chillin'. I wasn't really ready to leave. Plus I was helping my dad get ready for Thanksgiving. I may have mentioned this before but November is my favorite month because of all the November birthdays and Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.

So anyway I am so happy and blessed to be here to see another year. I never make a big deal out of my birthday but those around me always make it special.

MY MEN

2006-11-14T20:58:00.000-08:00

I love men. But then again what straight women doesn't. There is nothing like being in the company of a man that makes you feel som-kinda-way. It doesn't always have to be a sexual way. As a matter of fact that's not even what I'm really talking about right now. I work with a bunch of women, but the few men that I work with are precious. For the most part I am sure that the women I work with would agree, but they look at some of them and think, "oh he is cute". But I have gotten to know some of them on a more personal level. Trust me it's all strictly platonic, but I have developed a certain type of love for them all.

"D" for instance has become my adoprted little brother. OMG! I can not even explain how I love this boy. He is a young buck. I didn't like him at all when I first met him. Now we are like 2 peas in a pod. At first we had to deal with speculation that we were romatically interested in each other. Once we straightened that out, everyone could see how close we had become. We talk to each other about everything! He reminds me so much of my little brother and since I miss the hell out of him I found the next best thing to him. I even had to deal with my man acting stupid over our relationship, but as time went on he could also see how I only looked at him as a little brother and that's all.

There is another young boy In love to death, "N". We are inseparable when we are at work together. We are so totally opposite each other. We can sit and talk for hours about how much we don't have in common :-) I know that sounds crazy but it is the truth. We sit around drinking tea together, listening to music, talking about people and just basically acting a fool. He is real weird about people being in his space and in his business, but everyone knows that he has no problem with me being in his space and in his business. The really funny thing is he is a youth pastor. Everyone thinks that he is so holier than thou and he is not really fun. That is so far from the truth. He is not judgemental and he knows how to have fun, but they don't know that because they haven't gotten close to him the way I have. And like I said we could not be more different so to see us walking around together is to funny.

"K" and I are secretly in love with each other. At least that's what other people think, including "D". That's not true at all but we definitely have much love for each other. He told me I know to much about "the game" to be a female. I told him, game recognize game. All the women lust after "K", and they think that because I'm the one who knows the most about him that there is definitely something going on with us. He told me that I just understand him and he really likes that.

The funny thing is that all of these men are cute but I don't see that I just see them. But all of them have secret admirers. Some women get upset and want to know how did I get so cool with them. I have no clue, all I know is that I love all of them and they treat me with the utmost respect. That's all I care about.

There is one more person I have to acknowledge. That is "T". The reason I have mad love for him is because one night a bunch of us went out to a bar and I got drunk as hell. That's because people were buying me drinks left and right and Lawd knows I can not turn down a free drink. Undercover Lush...that's another post.....Anyway "T" took care of me. We stayed at one of his friends house. He told me to get some sleep and he would take me back to my car in the morning. We slept together all night long and not once did he try to molest me. And everyone who knows him knows that he is a freakin' dog. He tries to holla at every woman in the freakin' hospital. But the best part is that he made sure that people at the job didn't try to talk and start any rumors about us. When guys would ask him what happened between us he made it very very clear that nothing happened and he was just looking out for me. I appreciated that so much because the people at my job are extremely nosy, including me. Something like that could have easily turned into an ugly rumor.

Now that Carla doesn't work here anymore and Diamonds is persuing other things so she does not work there that much, the men are all I have. There are a few girl's I'm cool with but we know how it can be drama with women. So I just stick with my men. I love them and they love me.

2006-11-10T03:14:00.000-08:00

I called myself taking a few days off work so I could paint. Yeah right! What was I thinking? Who was I foolin? My lazy ass put some primer on the walls and that is about it. And I only primed one of the rooms. But I'm supposed to be painting the living room and the dining room. So now the living room is all tore up and the dining room has the living room furniture in it. OH BOY!

Today is my daddy's birthday. We are going out to dinner. I can't wait. I love good food and good company. I have to work tonight but not until 11:00. I figure I will have enough time to get a nap after dinner and even if I don't it doesn't matter because I'm so used to being up all night anyway.

My man....excuse me....my ex-boyfriend's birthday is tomorrow. I mailed a card off to him. It's funny because last year he was in jail for his birthday and I remember mailing him out a card. It's kinda weird because how do you mail off a really funny happy birthday card to someone when you know they are having a horrible birthday because of where he is? That sux. He going was having a party for his birthday.

Anyway my birthday is next week and everyone at work keeps trying to figure out what day my birthday is on but I won't tell them because I'm not really into making a big deal out of it.

Anyway that's about all for now. I just wanted to babble a bit. I will keep you posted on what is going on with the painting project.

Have a good weekend !!

It's a shame it has to be this way

2006-11-03T02:30:00.000-08:00

He is such a sad situation. I don't even get upset. I felt some type of way the first time it happened, but not since then and this is the third time. I was so happy I didn't put that first down payment on our trip to Disney World. That's where we was supposed to celebrate our birthday. He couldn't even make it. He got locked up 3 weeks before. But it didn't matter to me because my birthday was lovely. Went to the spa. Got a massage. Had lunch. Went to the club. Celebrated with my girls. We had a ball. It's a shame he was behind bars. He hasn't even been out for a whole year. I don't know what I'm going to do for my birthday this year but what I do know is I have my freedom. That's more than what I can say for him. Why does it always happen after I put him out. He has been gone for almost 3 weeks. I had not even been talking to him. We didn't even call each other and acknowledge our anniversay. It's been 5 years. That's crazy. This time it is gong to be prison time, not just the county jail. What a waste.

I don't care who don't like it but I already told him I'm not putting shit on hold for him. He already knew that when we first met. That is a very important conversation to have when you are dealing with someone in the streets. I informed him from the very beginning that if you go down I am not even trying to be your ride or die chick and do a bid with you. Why? Because all along I was against his lifestyle. I kept trying to get him to do better but he didn't want better. So I stopped trying to change him and his lifestyle. It was crazy because we co-habitated together but we kinda lead different lives. Because I disapproved of him wanting to live an illegal life, he knew that he better not come crying to me when the shit hit the fan. He called me real calm and told me he wanted to say goodbye because he was going to jail. I asked him what happened and he gave me the whole story. He was calling me from the police station. They were letting him make a few calls. They were actually cool about it. Then again that was the least they could do being as though they did break his leg. That was the only thing that did upset me a little. I never want to see him hurt. Not unless I did it :-)

So now he is in jail with a broken leg and a stitched up face. I talked to him today. He said something to me and I don't really know how I feel about it.....He said, "Babe, some dude I'm cool with is in here and he was on the phone with his girl and he was crying. When he got off the phone I pulled him to the side to talk to him. He was hurt over his girl screamin' on him. I told him that no body can be worst than my girl. She is so evil it blows my mind sometime. It takes a real strong man to really be with her because she is so strong and she don't take no shit at all. She never ever let me get away with anyhting. She is the only reason I can be facing prison and not be worried about it. I used to think I was a man before she came along, but I realize I was young and weak and I didn't know half of what I know now. Babe,you tore me down ripped me apart stepped on me crumbled me then you rebuilt me. You made me so strong. You remeber how I was a mess the first time I got locked up. I was on the phone crying to you and my family. But now I'm good. Before I was just doing the crime without thinking about the consequences of doing the time. Now I can also do the time along with the crime. I thank you so much for making me strong because everyone else was just going along with what I wanted and just letting me think I was the man, but you showed me a different reality and I thank you so much for that".

I was speachless for a second. Then joking around I said,"I was about to change my evil ways and try to be a little nicer, but since you are thanking me for it I guess I'll just keep on being a bitch". Then I said I wonder if my daughter will thank me one day since I'm so hard on her. He told me that she would definitely thank me one day. He said that she is going to be so strong minded and so focused on what she wants because of how I stay on her.

I think that made me feel good. So we hung up the phone on a good note. He knows not to expect anything from me and eventhough I know that by the time he gets home there will be no way of us ever being together again, I'm still going to pray for him every single day. I don't want to see anything happen to him, but I can no longer be with him.

Sometimes I Wonder....

2006-10-26T00:49:00.000-07:00

I have been reflecting back on a lot of different things lately. I keep wondering about this one guy in particular. For some reason a part of me keeps wondering what would have happened if I would have made a different choice.

We met about 7 years ago. I remember when me and my girlfriend walked in the club, we wasn't feelin the vibe up in there. It was Jamaican night and Lawd knows I can only stand that music but for so long. Anyway there was this guy there and what caught our attention was this crazy ass hat he had on. We were clowning him until....he started dancing. OMG!!I had never seen anything like that in my life. The way he moved his body was freakin' awesome. Every single woman in the place was mesmerized. I'm not even exaggerating! I looked at my girlfriend and said, "He is coming home with me". She said, "Well we must be sharing him".

When he left out of the club we followed him out. We were outside chillin' with the bouncers since we were regulars at the club and we knew all the staff, but it was our first time going on Reggae night. Anyway all of a sudden 2 black suburban trucks pulled up out of no where. The guys jumped out said a few words to the bouncers then they went back to the truck and out jumped Busta Rhymes. Once again I'm not even kiddin'. So I was a little star struck. I was saying out loud but talking to no one in particular that I needed a pen. So the guy with the funny hat was standing at the corner and he just pulled a pen out of his pocket and held it up. He never said a word. He was to smooth. I went over there and took it from him and I said thank you. Busta was only in there for about 15 or 20 minutes. When he came out I asked him if I could get an autograph. The bouncers said he wasn't signing any autographs. I asked if his dam fingers were broke? Of course they laughed at me and I didn't think the shit was funny at all. So once he played me the hell out I went to take the pen back to the dude. He asked me if I wanted his autograph and I said sure. Then he said do you want my number too or will the autograph be enough. I just smiled and melted. I told him I would definitely like his number. And just like I said when I was in the club...he was coming home with me. I only let him come to my house because my girlfriend said she would stay too. Eventhough that was usually the norm with us after we left the club.

We were together every night after that. The sex was off the chain. It was so dam wild it was just mind blowing. We used to just do different things and have a lot of fun. But I had also started seeing someone else and he was so freakin sweet. Eventually I left the wild dude alone for the more sensible guy. I don't really know why I left him alone. He went back to school but he always called me and still came to see me frequently. Eventhough I could tell he was feeling me I still decided to leave him alone.

Lately I have been thinking about him. Partly because he was on some tv show. I also heard that he is about to be in a Puff Daddy video. He always told me that he would be a star one day and I believed him. I know one day he will be recognized. That has nothing to do with why I'm kinda hoping I will run into him again. I just keep wondering, 'what if'.

The chronicles...we actually started dating

2006-10-19T02:05:00.000-07:00

The next day we made plans to see each other. We decided to go to the movies. On the way there the craziest thing happened....We were driving along just boppin' to some good music and my car all of a sudden starts to decelerate. WTF!! It came to a complete stop and shut down on the highway in the far left lane(aka the fast lane). It wouldn't start back up. It wouldn't
do a daggone thing. Well some guy stopped and helped Boss push it off the road into a parking lot. I was devasted. All sorts of things were running thru my mind, Like how were we going to get home and more importantly how am I going to get to work in the morning. I called my daddy because I always call him when anything goes wrong. He told me he would be there to get us. I so calmly and nicely told Boss, "Listen, no one meets my daddy. You better act like you have some home training even if you really don't. Please do not speak unless you are spoken to". Of course he looked at me like I was crazy, but I was dead serious. When my daddy got there they both had jokes about my car breaking down and I didn't appreciate it at all and I sure didn't see anything funny.

Two days later I still didn't have a car, but it was in the shop. I was so distraught over the situation. Boss asked me if I would take a walk with him later on that night. I agreed eventhough I was in no mood to really be bothered with him or anyone else for that matter. So since it was Friday night and I didn't have to worry about anything until Monday morning I decided to just try to enjoy the weekend. We walked a few blocks to this local bar. I looked at him like he was crazy, because I had no intentions on going into this little dive bar. He made a phone call and told who ever was on the other end that he was here and we were waiting. I asked him who the hell he was talking to and he said not to worry about it. A few minutes later after we had a drink he said,"let's go". We walked outside and at that very moment a stretch limo pulled up and parked on the corner. The driver got out and greeted Boss. He introduced himself to me and let me know he would be our chauffer for the evening. I just laughed at Boss. All I could think was, "dam I look a mess". I had on some real regular jeans, a tank top, a jean jacket and some sneakers. I asked, "where do you think you are taking me with me looking a mess like this"? He told me I looked fine and he said that since I was stressing about my car he wanted to take me out and get my mind off of it for a while. He said he just wanted us to go to Philly and find something to do. We went to a pool hall. He is really good at shooting pool so that's what we did. Afterwards he asked if I was hungry. I told him I'm always hungry so the driver mentioned some spot that neither one of us had ever been to. He said, "I'll go in and get you two a menu and if you like what you see then you can stay and if you're not to sure about it then I will take yall some place else. So when we got there it seemed like a decent spot. It was called Chickey and Pete's. They had crab fries on the menu and I ordered some. When I tasted them, OMG. They were so freakin' delicious I was ranting and raving about how good they were. He was looking at me like I was crazy. He learned real quick that I'm not one of those girls that acts to shy to eat around a man. Shyte... I was tearing that food up. It was good food, a nice atmosphere, good company and good conversation. That was just what I needed at the time.

I remember on our way home Toni had to stop for gas(the driver). It just so happens that there was a big concert that went on that night. Some guy that was at the gas station asked Toni who was in the limo. He lied and said it was a rapper and the guy told him that he can rap and he happens to have a tape in the car. So Toni took it and told the guy that he would give it to him and see what he can do for him. Meanwhile Boss decided that he wanted to get out to get some cigarettes. He had no idea what Toni and this other guy was talking about. So when the guy seen Boss get out the limo he followed him in the store and told him that he has a demo and he can rap and he gave Toni the demo and he wanted Boss to really listen to it and get back to him. He was trying to find a pen to give Boss his phone number. Toni was outside falling out laughing, because Boss was looking at this dude like he had lost his mind. So he just laughed and told the dude to give Toni all the information and he would get back to him. When they got back in the car they were both rolling all over the floor. It was so funny.

The chronicles...5 years ago

2006-10-17T01:50:00.000-07:00

My cousin had just moved into a new place. I was in between places because I was in the process of trying to buy a house. I was also in the process of ending a relationship. He was THE sweetest guy in the world. But I had gotten to the point where I did not want him to touch me and I despised trying to have sex with him. The only thing that was keeping our relationship afloat was the fact that he was buying me everything and anything that I wanted. What can I say I'm materialistic and he knew it. Anyway one night I was at my cousin's house chillin' and I fell asleep on the couch. I remember my sister saying they were on their way to go fight some girls. That's how you knew my family would fit in with the ghetto neighbors because they were a mess also. So when I woke up about a hour later I went outside to see where everyone was. One of my cousins was still outside talking to the one of the guys who lived next door. Actually he didn't live there but it was his family. She introduced us and that was that. Two nights later I was over there and he struck up a conversation with me. So we made small talk. Then the next day I came over there on my lunch break and he said , "You must be looking for me". I just smiled at him because at first I didn't even know he was the same dude I had been talking to. He must have looked different in the daylight or I just never really paid him that much attention. So later that night he asked me if I had ever been to some club. I forgot the name of it. I told him I had heard of it but I never been there. He said that on Tuesday nights it was the spot to be. So that just happened to be the next day. He asked me if I wanted to go. He even told me to bring my girlfriends and everything would be on him. I though about it and it sounded good to me. So after work I started making phone calls to see who was going to come out with me and everyone said they had to work so they didn't really feel like clubbin'. But I was always ready to go out and have a good time eventhough I also had to be to work in the morning I didn't care I still wanted to go. So when I got to my cousin's house I asked him if we were still going. He said, "Give me twenty minutes and I'll be ready". Next thing I knew we were on our way 'over the blue' ( for those who do not live around here that means we were on our way over the bridge going to Philly). He started telling me that I seemed like such a nice and sweet girl. I told him that all men think that when they first meet me then eventually they can't stand me anymore. He said I can't imagine that. I told him that I was a handful and most men can not deal with me and my ways. I will never forget he looked me right in the eyes and said "The problem is they were not man enough for you, and I know me and I'm sure I won't have that problem". I just let it go because I know me and I knew he was just like all the rest of them.

We got to the club and things went differently than what I expected. I thought he was going to go his way and I was going to go my way. I wanted to see what the place was like and if it was jumpin' like he said it would be then the next week me and my girls would definitely be there. I was kinda surprised that he stayed right there with me the whole time but I didn't mind since he was paying for everything. We had some good conversation and he was funny as hell. I started thinking he was really cool because up until that point I hadn't really paid him that much attention.

We left about 2:00. We went straight home eventhough he had other things in mind. Of course I expected him to try something but he was very respectful and it turned out to be a good night. We sat in the car for a while and talked while nosy ass people from the block were trying to see what was going on with us. Especially since everyone knew he had a fiance. But I guess he was known for doing his thing.....And that is the story on how me and Boss first met and our first date. that was October 23rd 2001.

GOD DON'T LIKE UGLY

2006-10-06T02:10:00.000-07:00

Four year ago when my mother passed I remember when we got home from the hospital my little brother asked me if he would have to go live with his father. I told him if he didn't want to then I would make sure that didn't happen. So once the funeral was over and things started to settle down again me and my grandmother figured we had to do something about the kids. At the time my brother was 15 and my youngest sister was 12. The first thing we did was apply for social security for the kids. When we got there the woman who was handling our case was acting like we were trying to commit fraud or something and me and my grandmother were looking all dumbfounded because we had no clue what the hell was going on. Anyway she told us that someone else was collecting moeny for the kids already. She told us their father had been getting money for them. We had no idea that was going on. So to make a long story short everything was temporarily turned over to me because I had filed for custody of the kids. As soon as he found out about that then all of a sudden he wanted to fight me for custody. It went on for an entire year. Finally we were having the last and final court date. As you can imagine there was a lot that happened in that year, including my little sister asking her father to please drop the custody suite because she knew he only wanted the money he was getting he didn't really want them. Needless to say he went off about that and he started saying that we were brainwashing her. He just didn't realize how intelligent and aware she was. He had no idea that his 12 year old daughter had a higher IQ than he did.

So the last court date comes around and my little brother informs me that he has decided to go live with his dad. I told him I was fine with that if that is what he wanted. He also gave me a letter to give to the judge. When we got to court I told the judge I was no longer fighting for custody of my little brother because he made his decision to stay with his father. I also explained that originally I didn't want to split them up but if it happens that way it would not be a problem. I assured the judge that they would still be able to keep in close contact with one another since their father did not live far from me at all, and they would still go to the same school district. Well to make a long story short(to late). I was awarded full custody of my little sister and their father was awarded full custody of my little brother. We both had liberal visitation and we agreed to that.

Now it is 4 years later and since then my little sister barely speaks to her father because he has been so mean and nasty to her. Once during the custody battle he told me that if he didn't get his kids then his daughter would be pregnant and his son would be in jail. So now whenever I see him I make sure to make comments about how well she is doing and how well she is being taken care of. He didn't want anything to do with her afterwards because she chose to stay with me. Eventhough he was being an asshole I still encouraged my sister to have a relationship with him because after all, he is still her father. One day she called me and told me he had said something so mean to her. I coud not believe he would let those words come out of his mouth. After that I told her that she didn't have to be bothered with him anymore if she didn't want to.

A few days ago my little brother called me and told me that social security was trying to stop sending his check. He is now 18 and he has a job but he is still in school. His dad told him that if his money didn't come and he couldn't give him the money he pays him every month for rent then he has to get out and he will call the cops on him if he has to. He also told him that if he doesn't like it he can kiss his ass. He said this as he is bending over to show him his ass, and just exactly where he can kiss it.

I tried so hard not to say it but I just had to say I told you so. I wasn't trying to make him feel bad or rub it in. I only said it because my little brother was the only one who could not see that his father only cared about the money he was getting. As soon as he though the well was running dry he didn't want to be bothered with him any more. Me and my other sister already talked to him and told him he is more than welcome to come stay with us. We both have the room for him and it wouldn't be any inconvenience, just an adjustment.

She just doesn't respond the way she used to!

2006-10-02T03:37:00.000-07:00

What can I say, I'm sure it happens to all of us at some point or another. It's going on 5 years and it has become a little routine. I just don't get aroused like I used to. My kitty-kat just does not respond to him the way it used to. I remember when we first moved in together I would be impatiently awaiting his arrival. I would already be in bed just waiting for him to come home and get into the shower. While he was showering I would be down stairs heating up his food that was always waiting for him in the microwave. I always made sure he came home to a hot meal. He would eat, spark a blunt, pop in a movie and we wouldn't even get a quarter of the way into the movies before it was on and poppin'. AHH...those were the days (as Archie Bunker would say).

Three days ago I had a heart to heart talk with him. I was very brutally honest. I let him know that I just do not desire him like that any more. I told him that while he is all over me groping and trying to molest me I am secretly cringing at the thought of us having sex. I explained to him that I have gone thru this with all of my men. I told him it's not him it's me. I also told him that I usually have a two year limit but he surprisingly lasted five years. Needless to say he was pissed off but he handled it a lot better than I expected. I also exlained to him that I know he deserves better than this because he is still young and of course he has a very healthy sex drive. I told him that it is not fair to him to be in this type of relationship especially when I know he craves affection. So we agreed that we would still be friends but we will go our separate ways because this is such a big problem and it has been going on for a while now.

Later that night when I got to work he called me and said that he had a chance to really think about everything that I said and he came to the conclusion that he does not want to be with anyone else and this problem is not something that we can't work on. He said he was willing to give me some space so I won't feel uncomfortable. He told me that he wants everything to remain the way it is because at this point he can't see himself trying to start all over with another woman.

I thought that was very mature of him. He has definitely come a long way. Knowing him the way that I know him it could have definitely been a different response. He is always quick to jump on the defensive and go on this rant about how he can have any chick out here that he wants and he doesn't have to put up with this shit and blah-blah-blah.

The other night we went bar hopping together. Usually I am very unaware of other guys. For some strange reason that particular night I was aware of every guy that was staring me in my face. He noticed it also. I have to say that a sistah was lookin Hella good. I love switchin up my look and I did cut my hair a few days ago and it is kinda short and it must be really complimenting me because everyone who takes notice really likes it a lot. Anyway my point is why was I noticing everyone who was noticing me? Especially since I was with my man. I know me and I hate to say it but I'm starting to get that itch and I might have to scratch it. I said that the kitty kat is not really responding to him, but that don't mean it won't respond to someone else.

Can you believe this mess...What would you do?

2006-09-27T01:30:00.000-07:00

So remember at the end of the last post I told you that there was more drama surrounding the incident from that night. Well I mentioned that the littl girl lost her cell phone. So when I was on the phone with her mom that night she was basically implying that someone from my family stole her child's cell phone. Of course I had to defend them. I let her that under no circumstances would any one of my peoples have done something like that. We didn't really argue about it but she stated her opinion and I gave her mine and that was that. I did ask my daughter to tell me again when was the last time she could remember seeing her cell phone. She told me the same exact story that her girlfriend had told her mother. So I did look for it one more time and I could not find it so I just let it go and chalked it up as a loss....About a week later my sister asked me out of the clear blue what kind of phone the little girl had. I told her it was a pink razor phone. Her mouth instantly dropped to the floor. She said that yesterday her boyfriend,(actually they were broken up but they were still real cool because he was having a hard time really letting go of the relationship) tried to sell her that phone for $50.00. He told her that one of his friends had it and now he was trying to sell it. I could not believe what I was hearing. She immedietly called him and asked him was that the little girl's phone. He tried to lie and say it wasn't but she knew it was. She started cussing him out. She called him everything but the child of God. I was in the background telling him he will never step foot in my house and he better not let me see his punk ass. Then he tried to switch it up and say that he found the phone outside in the street. She told him even if that was true that he knew we were looking for that phone and he should have said something about it. She told him to give it back and he said that he threw it away. She said why would you just throw it away if you tried to sell it to me for $50.00. Then he jumped on the defensive and said since we were accusing him of stealing then he ain't giving the dam phone back. My sister assured him that she will not be seeing him or dealing with him in any way. When she hung up the phone she kept apologizing to me. I told her that he is a grown ass man and she is not responsible for his actions. It is not like he is someone she just met. They have lived together a little over 2 years maybe 3 years. He is not a stranger to us by no means.

There are two things I can not tolerated especially from a grown ass man. One is being a liar or not being a man of your word. The other is stealing. How can he have the audacity to take something from one of my daughter's friends. What the hell was he thinking? Everytime I think about it it blows my mind. I have cousins in and out of my house all day long. My sisters come and go as they please. My daughter's friends are always there, and I never worry about anything being missing.

I told my sister that if she decides to be cool with him again I'm ok with that because that is her business but he is not allowed to step foot into my house. She assured me she is completely done with him. She had already broke up with him and put him out, but that was the last straw for her because she was only still dealing with him because he wouldn't just leave her alone. Now he is stalking her something terrible. He keeps calling my little brother and trying to hang out with him. It's a sad situation.

I felt so bad I wanted to tell the little girl's mom what really happened to her phone but my sister asked me not to because she is really embarrased about the whole situation and she said what's done is done. Then I don't want her to hold me responsible for it because it happened at my house. I know how I would feel if it had been my child's phone. That was a $350.00 phone. What would you do?

This Is What Happened

2006-09-22T21:05:00.000-07:00

The last time I left there was some drama going on with my child. That was two weeks ago. I'm sorry it took me so long to update what happened. I think it really took me this long to get over it. And on top of that there is the usual drama with my man. Well to just give a quick briefing on what happened, my daughter and her girlfriend were staying at my house for the night. My sister called me and told me she was on her way to my house because my cousins who live 4 doors down from me, called my sister and told her that they caught four little boys coming out of my house. So because I was at work they called my sister, and my man. If I would have left work I swear I would have killed her. I was really hurt because like I had mentioned in the last post it was the night before her birthday and I was torn whether or not to still go along with my birthday plans. So when I got off work I went home and just went right to sleep. She wasn't there because I called her dad to come pick her up. I woke up about 12:00 pm and decided I was still going ahead with my plans. So I called her and told her to get dressed and I would be there to get her. My sister called out of work and went with us and the tension between her and my daughter was so thick. My sister was so mad at her she didn't want to speak to her or even look at her. I know my daughter felt so bad. She idolizes my sister and my sister never yells at her and she is always on her side when I am ready to beat her down. My sister is the reason I try to be more conscious of how hard I am on my daughter. But that day she was so disappointed in my daughter she didn't know what to do with herself.

Anyway we went to Atlantic City to the car show. My daughter absolutely loved it. I didn't know she would love it that much. We seen Busta Rhymes which I wasn't impressed because I can't stand him ever since I tried to get his autograph and he would not even turn around and acknowledge me. And no it wasn't like it was a crowd. No one was there because everyone was still in the club. I was standing about 5 feet away from him. The only thing standing between me and him was his 7 foot bodyguards. I'm not kiddin' they were big as hell. Anyway I just went on into something that happened a long time ago. But since then I don't give a dam about Busta, but he was there with a small entourage. Ghostface Killa was there, and Fat Joe, and Flava-Flaaav. I was determined that I was going to get Flava's autograph for my daughter because she watches that stupid ass show faithfully. But we brought a disposable camera there so then we were determined to get a picture. She was so freakin happy to get a picture with Flava. We met his famliy. His son was there and his sister and his nephew. Just in case you want to know, Yes he is actually that dam ugly in person! He even had the nerve to have on that stupid ass crown and one of his big ass clocks. He is outside of his mind! But he was cool as hell. He even told my daughter happy birthday. She really had a good day. I was happy that she enjoyed it but I was still so pissed off with her. When we left she thanked me profusely. Speaking of when we left....There were a bunch of guys on motorcycles and they were weaving in and out of traffic doing about 160 mph on the shoulder of the road. So this cop starts chasing them and I instantly said a little prayer that no one would get hurt. So as we are driving down a little further and I see the cop car is pulled over and me and my sister both said we hope no one got hurt. As we got closer we could see that there was no accident but he had managed to stop one of them. So as we are driving by traffic was a little slow so we got a chance to be nosy. He had a guy handcuffed and standing behind the cop car and you could tell he was talking shit to him. I got a chance to see this guy and DAYYUM!! He looked so dam good I almost crashed my freakin' car. I wanted to pull over and ask the officer if I could assume responsibility for the prisoner. He was the right height, perfect dark complexion, nice build, 5'oclok shadow, sexy ass lips, haircut was tight as hell and to top it off, slightly bowlegged. He had thug and sex appeal. That's the kind of brotha I'm looking for in the daytime with a flashlight with the high beams on!

Sorry for that little rant but he was definitely worth mentioning. Anyway...now you guys are caught up on what happened. I'll post later about my drama with my man. I don't have the freakin' energy right now to go into it. There was also more drama surrounding the incident with my daughter and the little girl. She lost her cell phone and there was some bullshit behind that, but I'll fill you guys in later.

She keeps on acting up!!

2006-09-09T03:39:00.000-07:00

I'm too pissed off to do a real post, but I feel the need to vent a little. My daughter did some real stupid shit last night. All I can say is thank God I was at work because I would have killed her. My sister almost tapped that ass, and that is very unusual because my sister never yells at my daughter. She is always on her side when I am going off on her. She is always the one giving her the benefit of the doubt. So you know she really must have did some crazy shit. I just stayed at work and let my cousins and my sister handle it. Then I called her dad and told him to come get her little hot ass when he got off work. He sent his wife to get her. I'm really disappointed in her because today is her birthday and I had plans for her. She had no idea what it was, and she was just so excited. So now my dilemma is whether or not to still go ahead with my plans. Right before this happened my sister had just left my house because she wanted to give her her gift early. She brought her a pair of Coach sneakers. She took her sneakers back and she said she is keeping them. We all happen to wear the same size shoe. Anyway I am mad because my gift is non-refundable. So I could go and just loose out on the money that I put out for her. I feel bad because Carla would be loosing out on the money she put out for her god-daughter, which is the little girl she got into troublte with. I have decided to separate them because everytime my child gets into trouble it is always with this girl. I don't want it to start to cause a problem between me and my girl, because believe it or not it could. Well I gotta go and make a decision on whether or not to let this hot ass little girl still enjoy her birthday or not. This would be the very first time in 13 years that I didn't do anything for her birthday. I'm really torn. I'm really so hurt. Why does this little girl make shit so much harder than what it has to be? I keep trying to tell her that she is not the fuck grown!!

What's in your wallet

2006-09-07T01:36:00.000-07:00

I wasnt going to post anything today but I read something in another blog (youtoldharpotobeatme). It reminded me of something that me and my girlfriend Carla was talking about.

I work in a hospital and I work with some real down to earth people. But some are them are down right snobby. Before I start this I just want to say right off the bat that I am not racist. I have nothing at all against white folx but sometimes they can be quite judgemental. Anyway everytime someone, particularly someone of lesser status and someone of color, buys something new such as a car or tells them that they own a house they are always looking at us cockeyed, like how can you afford that.(that was such a run-on sentence). Example one day I was looking thru my pocketbook for my wallet. When I came across it and looked inside for whatever it was that I was looking for I realized that my MAC card was not in there. I started to panick a little and someone asked what was I looking for and I told them that I must have misplaced my MAC card and one of the nurses turned around and said,"Why are you worried about it, you don't have any money in the bank." Do I even have to go into details about how she got cussed out. Especially since I had just went to the bank the day before and deposited a $4,000 check into my account.

Last week a girl I work with brought a new truck. When I told another girl I work with about April's new truck the first thing she said was, "How the hell can she afford that?" Why did that have to be the first thing out of her mouth?

There is another nurse that just brought a house around the corner from me. She does not work a lot because she just doesn't feel like working all the time. Yet she has the cutest little house. The first thing out of everyone's mouth is, "How is she paying her mortgage and she barely wants to work?' Oncce again I ask why is that the first thing out of everyone's mouth? I feel like this, if she is not asking you for help paying her bills why is it your concern how she is paying them. That shit burns me up so bad. I have cussed enough people out and now they know not to ask me shit about my finances. When I first started working there everyone acted like I was some type of alien because I was 25 and I owned a house and I was a black girl from Camden and I only had 1 child and she went to Catholoic School. I remember when I told someone that my daughter went to Catholic school and she flat out said, How is that possible? You can't afford that". Once again I had to cuss someone out. Then when I decided to go into the pool at my job, That means I do not have a set schedule. I can work whatever shift I want to work whenever I want to work. So what I do is I usually take off a week, or I work maybe 2 days in the week then the next week I'll work all week. But they were always making comments like "How can you afford to take a whole week off"?

Now I just learned that they are obviously jealous there is no other way to explain it. I would never have the audacity to ask someone how can they afford something that they have. I am not easily impressed with what other people have because I feel like whether you have less than I have, more than me or the same amount it doesn't matter because unless you are rich we are all struggling. I don't think I am no better than anyone else or that anyone else is better than me. I just mind my business as far as that goes and I worry about my own finances. I wish other people would learn to do the same thing.

Like the commercial goes...What's in your wallet. (Capital One)

The weekend

2006-09-05T22:09:00.000-07:00

Saturday when I got off of work at 7:oo am I went to get some DVD's because I knew I would not move the rest of the day. It was raining all day. All I did was eat. I have come to the conclusion that there is a fat woman living inside of me and she is dying to break free. That is the only thing that can explain why I can eat like I do and still be 138lbs. That's part of the reason I'm always crying broke because I live in the grocery store or when I go to Wal-mart I'm always picking up food and snacks because the shit is so dam cheap there. I feel the need to keep an abundant amount of food at my house. Me and my man (who I can't stand) just lay in bed and take turns going to get each other something to eat. I can see where his food goes. He is getting big. Everytime he goes somewhere somone is telling him that he is getting big but he looks good. I can't stand these groupie chicks who want to jump on the band wagon. I was one of the very first chicks who wasn't afraid to admit that I want me a big country-fed brotha. I want him to look like a brick wall. If you were to line up the last 4 or 5 guys I have been with they pretty much all look alike. Big and black. I want a guy with a nice belly. Not too big but a nice round belly that I can prop up and lay on while I'm watching T.V.

Sunday I went to the mall with my sister. That bitch (exscuse my french) is crazy. We absolutely positively HATE shopping with each other. Why the hell do we do it? She don't like not a dam thing that I like and I don't like not a dam thing that she likes. But the funny shit is when we get dressed and go out together we always compliment each other about how cute the other one looks. Eventhough chances are we were together when we brought our outfits and we hated what the other one brought but once we put it together we thought it was cute. I know that sounds crazy if you understood what I meant. Anyway she always gets mad at me because I have to procrastinate before I finally decide to buy something. I know it is annoying because I start getting on my own dam nerves. She said I work like a slave and she knows I have he money and I hardly just get up and go shopping for no reason so why not just treat myself without having to ponder the decision for a dam half an hour. She is so right. If I was buying something for my house I probably wouldn't think twice. Maybe I would think twice but not three or four times :-) I did buy some shoes and some jeans.

Monday we got up early to go to the nail salon. My nails were jacked up. Once again I have to say that I work to hard for my nails to look like they were looking. We had a crab party. Do you know how many crabs are in a freakin' bushel? Well it really seemed like a lot to me because I don't eat crabs, but I went half with my sister anyway because it was something to do. I was going to barbeque but I didn't get my yard cleaned and it was all wet and nasty so I didn't bother with it. The crab party was nice and we did throw some stuff on the grill for the people that do not eat crabs.

I was listening to Lyfe's c.d. #5 made me feel some type of way. It basically describes my relationship with my man right now. We are so sick of each other but we are still holding on. We don't know why, but we are.

Yesterday this idiot (my man) hurt his leg. He tripped over something. He said it was like a piece of barb wire (only in the projects where there are a million kids playing that can easily get hurt will you find something like barb wire laying in the middle of the sidewalk). He called me and asked me to come home because there was a chunk of his leg missing. (that is how he described it) So I immedietely went home to check on him and of course it was not as bad as he described it. He could use a few butterfly stitches but he will live and his leg is in tact not in pieces. Anyway I did patch him up with a first aide kit. Those things are quite handy. So now he is limping around with a bum leg. The funny thing is we were barely speaking when this happened but of course his black ass came running right to me when it happened. His sister can't take the sight of blood so she just dropped his ass off. He was just standing outside looking stupid when I pulled up with all this blood running down the back of his leg on his socks and into his sneakers. I swear if it ain't one thing it's another with that boy.

Hate the beginning of the month

2006-09-01T03:24:00.000-07:00

Today is Friday. It's the beginning of the weekend and it is the first of the month. I got paid yesterday and I hate going out of the house to do anything or take care of business because the welfare recipients are always all over the place like freakin' roaches. I hate to sound mean but DAYUM!! I need to get a few things from the supermarket but if I do not go early in the morning it will be mobbed. I need to go to the stores to pick up a birthday gift for one of my friends and also a bridal shower gift for another one of my friends. Can you even picture what Wal-mart, Target or the mall is going to look like. Especially for the fact that it is the beginning of September and people are going to be out buying school clothes and school supplies. Don't even try to go grab a quick meal at a fast food place. OMG!! Mc Donald's, and Burger King will be crowded beyond belief. Once they go food shopping they don't come home and cook they take the kids out for fast food.... Go figure!

From the 1rst until the 5th I try not to go anywhere. I know you think I'm joking but I'm so serious. But I will have to brave the crowds because like I said I have gifts to buy. I have to have the birthday gift by today and the bridal shower gift tomorrow. I'm about to leave work and I'm going to do as much as I can right now before the welfare recipients get out and about.

It's all good

2006-08-27T00:53:00.000-07:00

I was on my way to work and it seemed like I didn't have a freakin' care in the world. For some strange reason when I'm by myself in my car just cruising down the street listening to my music life just seems so good. I was happy to be going to work because there are some people who do not even have a job to go to. I was happy that me and my child are both healthy. Some people don't have their health. I was happy that I am driving a descent, reliable car. I was happy that my bills are paid and I still have money in the bank. I was happy that in less than 2 weeks my baby girl will be 13. That mean God has blessed her to be hear to see another year.

For her birthday I finally decided what I am going to do. We are going to stay in Atlantic City. There is a car and bike show there on her birthday. Puffy will be there, or P-Diddy, or whatever the hell his name is these days. Fat Joe and Terror Squad will be there and a few others. I think she will really like that. Me, her Carla and Carla's god daughter which happens to be my daughter's best friend. Then the next day when we leave we will be on our way to Clementon Park. My job is having our company picnic there. So that will be what her birthday weekend consists of.

Now, we might run into a small problem because what if her dad wanted to see her for her birthday. We used to always have parties or barbeques for her b-day. She is getting older and I don't have the energy to have a party. I hope he doesn't think I'm being selfish because I have the whole weekend planned out.

The little girl got issues.

2006-08-18T01:03:00.000-07:00

So the other night we were leaving my sister's house and my daughter had her face all tore up the way she usually does when she has a freakin' attitude about nothing at all. I told her to fix her face because she is always walking around looking so dam miserable. To which she replied that she is miserable. She told me that I am so mean to her all the time. Apparantly I never pay her any attention. She told me that if I have an attitute with my man that I take things out on her. She told me I'm always raggin' on her (what type of phrase is that?) Anyway I knew what she meant. She said she always try to wake up and start her day on a positive note but if she make one mistake then I go on and on about it then her day is ruined.

Now keep in mind that while she is telling me all of this she was very emotional so I told her she better calm down and stop screaming. To which she replied, "I'm screaming because we have had this conversation before and you are not listening to me". So because of the tone in her voice I thought she was loosing her dam mind. So I stopped the car, put it in park and back handed the hell out of her! I told her that I don't give a fuck how many times we may have had this very same conversation. She will not be screaming at me like she is crazy. I told her that if I unclick this seatbelt I'm really going to fuck her up. So she took a deep breath and calmed herself a bit. I told her that she did not birth me I birthed her. I had to remind her who the parent is. I don't mind listening to what she has to say but there is a way she needs to talk to me.

Anyway she went on and on about what a horrible parent I am to her. So I asked her if she wanted to live with her dad. To which she replied,"I can't stand my dad ." She said that all he cares about is his wife and their kids.

Let me give you just a little bit of background on that....She was the only child between the both of us for 10 years. Now her dad has 3 other babies by his wife and now my child feels like he doesn't have time for her. I don't agree with her. She is just not used to sharing him.

So anyway she goes on to inform me that she has contemplated suicide, because she is just so miserable. She told me that there isn't anything in her life that makes her happy. I told her she was being dramatic and she needs to get herself together.

I refuse to let her try to run a guilt trip on me. She told me that she will never treat her kids the way I treat her. I laughed at that because I remember when I thought the same thing when I was a child and my mom was beating my ass or keeping me from doing something that I wanted to do. I told her that I used to think that my mom was so mean also, but as I got older I realized that she was right and I was wrong. She had the freakin audacity to tell me that she KNOWS that my mom was not mean and she didn't beat me and cuss me out the way I do her. I told her that she has no idea the type of shit that my mom did to me. She remembers the sweet grandmom that hardly ever laid a hand on her. My mom had a heart problem therefore the younger kids and my daughter got away with murder. But the woman that raised me was not ill at all. She was young and healthy and she whopped my ass whenever I was getting out of hand and she cussed me out and called me everything but the child of God.

I was so pissed off with her for trying to tell me what went on in my life before her little ass even came along. I told her that my grandmom got her ass beat, she beat my mom ass, my mom beat my ass and I'm going to beat her ass so she can turn around and beat her child's ass. I told her you call me when you get grown and have your own smart ass little girl and you know that you are giving her the fuckin world and she comes at you with a smart ass mouth like she is grown and acting like you are her child instead of the other way around and then you tell me how you are going to handle that situation! I'll bet you any amount of money you are going to beat her ass.

Why am I not rich?

2006-08-11T02:05:00.000-07:00

I need a get rich quick scheme. No don't laugh I'm serious. I know there are plenty of people out there who believe they should be rich, but I really think that I deserve to be hob-nobbing with the rich & famous. Actually I don't want to be rich & famous. I don't need people all up in my business. I already have enough drama in my life, could you imagine if I was famous how much shyte I could get myself into? Anyway I do have some very compelling arguements as to why I should be at least well off. First of all I'm not a stingy person. If I was well off I would definitely share the wealth. All the little people I had to step on to get to where I want to be, I would still take care of those people. Secondly I'm to dam cute to be broke. It's really horrible when you see a cute girl with so much potential but she has on busted clothes and cheap ass shoes, and a jacked up weave. Poor thing. She could be so much more if only she had the means. Well I refuse to let that happen to me so I will go in debt to make sure my shyte is tight. Therefore if it comes down to paying the gas and electric bill or a $120.00 pair of shoes. It is a no-brainer. The shoes win hands down. If it comes down to the water bill or getting my $150.00 micro-braids done. Once again that should be a no-brainer. I have to make sure my hair is tight. Hell, I have a cousin that live 4 doors down, I can take a dam shower at her house. Another reason I should be well off is so I don't have to work so hard. I would like to just be able to have an easy going job at a florist or a little boutique. I want to just work maybe 3 days a week, 4 hours a day. That sounds good. I don't want to have to do anything to stressful.

These are just a few reasons why I think I deserver to maybe win the lottery, or hit the jackpot in Atlantic City, or have a wealthy long lost relative kick the bucket and leave me a large amount of money along with a home sitting in the middle of 5 acres of land.

Why do you think you should be rich?

When everthing comes together.

2006-08-10T01:12:00.000-07:00

There is still a whole bunch of bullshit going on in my life right now but I don't feel like talking about that right now. I will fill yall in later.....Right now I want to take this time to acknowledge a few things that made me smile over the past weekend......

Despite the fact that I worked friday night I still woke up early on Saturday afternoon because I had a few things I needed to do before I went to the family reunion. First I had to get my new car washed. There is this place that I go to and I will not go anywhere else. It is owned by Mexicans and they are the shyte when it comes to washing and detailing a car. First of all there is always a crazy long line. They are right on the highway and believe it or not traffic is always backed up on the highway because there are so many people there on any given day. They are very fast and very efficient. I always leave feeling completely satisfied. They seem to just go that extra mile and I absolutely love it. So after my car was all polished up I was headed to the nail salon to get my nails refilled and get a pedicure. I have been going to the same place for the past 3 years and I must say that I am completely satisfied with the service there also. First I got my nails refilled which took no time at all. Then I was on my way to the other side for my pedicure. OMG! That was THE best pedicure I have ever had. But, have you ever had a really good refill on your nails then when it was time for the polish and designs it was all messed up? Or the same with a pedicure? Once it was time to polish your toes and do the designs it was all jacked up? Well that has happened to me before but not this time. The polish was perfect right along with the designs. I could have modeled my feet once I was done. They looked perfectly suckable. Then again my feet look like that anyway :-)

After those two wonderful experiences I was ready to go back home and get dressed. I had an idea of what I was going to wear but of course like most women I changed my mind at the last minute. I finally decided on an outfit that I was very pleased with. I knew I was looking to cute but it was one of those outfits that didn't look like I was trying to hard it just looked effortless but it was so perfect. When I got to the family reunion my sister told me I looked cute and that was all the approval I needed because she is considered the Guru of fashion. I must have been looking good because "D" was sweating me from the minute he saw me. He made sure he kept an eye on me. Later that night I got a few calls from him on my cell phone that I didn't answer then he had the nerve to text me and tell me he wanted me back. I so nicely called him and politely cussed him out.

I had fell asleep and after I woke up and talked to "D" I had an urge to talk to my man. When I called him his phone was turned off or it was dead. So by now it is 1:30 a.m. I decided I was going to go look for him. I called my girl Carla and asked her was she sleep. Of course she wasn't because she is a night owl like me. I asked her if she would take a ride with me so I could look for Boss. She was like yeah, come and get me. So we drove around town to a couple of bars trying to stalk him. I finally did get in touch with him and I felt real stupid because he was in the house. So after I talked to him me and Carla went to the diner to get something to eat.

I just need to let it be known that Carla is my girl. No matter when I call her she is always ready to go wherever or do whatever. I really did appreciate her coming out with me in the middle of the night to help me stalk my man. That's the type of friends I need.

So shout out to Magic car wash for shining up my car. Shout out to Hollywood nails for giving me the best refills and pedicures and shout out to my girl Carla for always being down to do whatever.

More of the everyday BS

2006-08-05T02:42:00.000-07:00

I told yall everything that happened the other day between "D" and my man. Well the next day my sister called me and told me some crazy ass rumor that she had heard about my man. I didn't really pay it to much attention because it sounded outlandish. When I got off the phone with her I did call him and I couldn't get in touch with him so I sent him a text message. A few hours later he called me and I asked him if he got my text message. He said yes then he just started blackin' out on me. He told me he knew I was still fuckin' with this dude. He just had to find out and everything worked out just the way he planned it out. He told me that he had some girl tell "D" the rumor and see how soon I would confront him with it. That would be his proof that I was still talking to this dude. I sat there and calmy listened to him and when he was done I so nicely informed him that I did not hear it from "D". I told him that my sister told me. He procedes to go on and on about how my sister could not have possible told me because the girl only told"D", so therefore I had to have heard it from him. He swore I was so cold busted. He just knew he had me caught up in a lie. So I finally had to break it down to him and tell him how my sister was able to get this information. I finally told him exactly who "D" was. I won't explain it to yall because it is just to complicated. Anyway he was livid once he realized who this guy is. The more he thought about it the madder he became. So now he feels like everyone is talking about him behind his back because certain people from my family that he has been around lately have already known what the situation was.

I tried to explain to him that he is just extremely jealous of me and him still being together but his immaturity won't let him process what I'm saying. His response was, "he can have you." I really hate when men are hurt so they don't know what else to do but act immature. Then he calmed down and called me and told me he loves me and wants us to be a family again. That lasted all of 5 minutes before we started argueing again. I think what's happening is we are definetely coming to an end but it is hard for both of us to let go because it has been 5 years, and we have separated numerous times before,but we both know that if it happens this time it will be the last time.

The only thing that pisses me off is now "D" is text messaging me stupid shit. It's almost like he is trying to taunt me. I tried to tell my man that he is just giving that bitch ass nigga what he wants. Another thing is we are having a family reunion today and he will be there. I'm going and Lawd knows I'm going to be looking so good. I know that is so shallow but I'm going to make sure everything is perfect from head to toe. I want him to really be mad because I'm looking this good and no matter what he says or do I will never have anything to do with him. And I will be smiling the entire time I'm there because I also need to let him know that there isn't anything he can do to stress me.

Why can't everything be all good all at once?

2006-08-02T18:48:00.000-07:00

Where do I begin?!?!............

PART 1

Since I brought my car I have been having the luck of the Irish. I'm just waiting for the bottom to drop out. First I got my mortgage statement 2 weeks ago and it was $70.00 less than normal, so I called the company and inquired about the decrease. I didn't want to just go ahead and pay it and then they tell me some bullshit about I owe them. So anyway they told me that the statement was correct. The reason for the change was because of a decrease in my escrow. I was satisfied with that so that is a couple extra dollars in my pocket. Then 3 days after that I was at the mall with my sisters when I got home there was a check in the mail for $195.00 from the mortgage company. I could not believe it. When I spoke to them they didn't mention I would be getting any reimbursement. So I was happy about that and I deposited it in the bank. Yesterday I went to Commerce bank with my sister so she could open an account. When she was done I just happened to ask the girl to check on an old account that I had there. I knew one of the accounts was closed because I was overdrawn on it. I was owing them $600.00. (Don't even ask how or why) The reason why I asked her was because a few weeks ago I had received a letter from them stating that they needed to know if I wanted to keep the account open and if they didn't hear from me it would be closed. I didn't give it to much thought because I had tried a while ago to use my mac card to pull money out and it didn't work so I thought I couldn't touch the money. Well, come to find out the account was open and active and they had just closed it the day before. The girl told me she could either open it back up or give me a check for $264.00. Can you believe that I had almost $300.00 sitting in an account for 3 years! So I opened the account up again, and I am very happy about that.

PART 2

Remember a few months ago I was dealing with some guy named "D"? Well the other day my man called me and told me that he seen him. My first instinct was to ask a million quesions. But I let it go. Then he called me back and told me the stupid shit that nigga was sayin' (excuse me because I don't usually type that word) Anyway he was braggin to somebody about how he was fucking me and my man was taking care of me. Yadda-yadda-yadda. Basically just talkin shit. So I told my man all the slimy shit he was saying about him while I was dealing with him. I told him that a big reason why I stopped dealing with him was because he was hating on my man so fuckin' hard. He was really pissed off because I wouldn't fall all over him like the rest of his women did. He really expected me to leave my man alone for him and it seemed like he would actually get jealous when my man would do something for me. I guess the last straw was the last time I seen him he tried to get me to sleep with him and I guess I was a little rude but I really wasn't trying to be rude. I just thought he already knew that there was no way in hell we were ever going to sleep together again. I had stopped that shit so long ago. I guess I was almost offended that he thought he had it like that, and I was just going to jump right in bed with him. I know he can't even remember the last time we had slept together, because I know dam well I can't remember.

I had to explain to my man that men also do bitch shit. I assured him that I have had no contact with him. He is just the mad rapper because he can't have what my man has......................................................Although I must be honest. Things are quite shaky between me and Boss right now. I really think this could be the END of our almost 5 year relationship.I don't really think I will share the real reason, but if I do decide it won't be right now it will be in a later post.

GUESS WHAT!

2006-07-25T23:59:00.001-07:00

Last Monday at the spur of the moment I decided to go to the car dealership because I had just got my car out of the shop and it was over heating and the air conditioner was broke for some strange reason. The shit was working when I put the car in the shop. Anyway it was to dam hot for the bullshit so instead of taking it back to the shop like I originally started to do I kept going down the highway and decided to stop at a Honda dealer. When I pulled in the lot the car was overheated. It wasn't smoking but the little red light was on, letting me know that it was running hot. When I first got there I was skeptical because I had been thru this before with trying to buy a car and because of two minor discrepencies I had no luck with trying to get a new car. I went along with everything anyway. The first car we (me and my daughter) test drove we absolutely loved it. It was a definite step up from what we drove up in. Well when that fell thru and he said let me find something else I was extremely discouraged then. So he directed me to another car. The only difference with this car was it did not have leather seats. The only reason I really wanted leather seats is because my car had them and because I take my dog with me all the time I felt like leather would be easier to maintain. But aside from the leather seats it had all the other features I was looking for. I wasn't crazy about the color but I didn't hate it. My daughter loved the color and she really like the car so I told him if he could put me in it I wanted it.

I am now happy to announce that I am the proud owner of a 2004 Honda Accord. It is Gold. Actually it is considered Beige. It looks gold to me. Anyway, it has tan interior, power everyhing, sun roof ( I absolutely love that :-) 6 cd changer. Alloy wheels. I must admit I have no freakin' idea what that really means but it is always mentioned so I am mentioning it also. It really is a nice car. I am very pleased with it. I wanted a Honda because I need something that is critically acclaimed to run forever!

I had it for 2 days before my man seen it. He has been staying with a friend so we hadn't seen each other. Not to mention he called himself being mad at me. He came to my house on Wednesday morning and when he walked in he said where is your car parked at. He was looking for the old car and I told him it was parked outside. I left it at that. Later on that morning he caught an attitude about something and he asked me to drop him off at his niece's house. I told him ok. You should have seen the look on his face when I walked to my new car and unlocked it. When he got in he just said nice car. I said thanx and we left it at that. At that point he knew he would never drive my car again because I always told him that I didn't really like sharing a car. The reason I did share the last car was because everytime it needed to be fixed he fixed it so it wasn't to much I could say about him driving it. But he knew he wasn't getting behind the wheel of this car. So what he did was 2 days ago he brought his own car. That boy is a trip.

He must have lost his mind but I'm going to help him find it.

2006-07-11T23:41:00.000-07:00

Today after I picked my daughter up from summer school my sister called and asked if me and my man wanted to go to Wildwood with her and her man. I called him up and he was with it. So within an hour we were on the road. We only layed out on the beach for a little while then we decided to walk the boardwalk. It's crazy because eventhough it was 90 degrees the water was cold as hell. Plus I don't swim anyway. I only sunbathe. Yes black people sunbathe. Believe it or not people always ask me why do I sunbathe. I do because in my mind I consider myself sexy chocolate but the truth is I'm kinda on the light side. Anyway that's neither here nor there. So we walked the boardwalk and went to the arcade and I was the skeeball champion so I got to go inside this little glass room full of money and when the fan comes on the money flies around and you have to grab as much as you can in 1 minute. Of course it always looks easier then what it is. You couldn't keep the money but it went toward tickets to get a prize. We got a pillow radio. It is the cutest thing. It is an actual pillow in the shape of a radio, and it really works. After that we won more stuffed animals we had a good time like we always do until.......we started talking about the house and some bills that are due.

He had the ordasity to tell me that he don't plan on paying bills because I put him out and since he hasn't moved his clothes back in yet he is not wortied about bills.....Let me give you a little bit of background.....Last month he was supposed to pay the cable bill. He told me he didn't have it at the time and he asked me to take care of it and he will give it back to me. I did and I was expecting my money back because the cable is in his name and we have every premium channel because he said he needs all the channels. I have not seem my cable bill money yet. That was a month ago because the cable bill just arrived in the mail 2 days ago. We were supposed to take care of a few other things that he has not lifted a finger to do. So because I realize somewhere along the line he got the game fucked up and he is confusing me with some other chick I am about to remind him who the fuck I am.

When we got home from Wildwood we were chilling for a while and he finally had the nerve to say to me, "baby where are the car keys because I have to make a quick run." I so nicely reminded him that my car is MY car. If he feels like he doesn't want to pay his way then I need to remind him what is his and what is mine and the car is mine. The second thing was his house key has been confiscated. There is no way in hell he can have free and total access to MY house if he can decide if and when he wants to pay some bills. So he will be sleeping on his niece's couch tonight because I am at work and he can not get in. I wouldn't even care if he was sleeping in another female's bed as long as he knows he will not be sleeping with me and not pay some billz. For those who have read on a constant basis yall know I do not play when it comes to money. If I have to be responsible so does he. I will never be one of those girls that have a man laying up not contributing to the cause. I don't care if he was dickin me down good. You can keep that shit because in my world ain't no romance without finance! Anyway the last thing I decided to do is if he is there on a night that I am at work I will be putting a parental block on the cable. His black ass will be watching nothing but rated PG shows. If he can't handle the cable bill then why should he be laid the fuck up all night watching it?

Ranting About Nothing

2006-07-08T01:18:00.000-07:00

I literally slept for 16 hours the other day. I'm not even joking. I was delirious. I woke up once. Just long enought to eat a sandwich my daughter made for me. I have to say that aside from her sneakiness and her smart ass mouth she really is a good kid.

I was supposed to go to a family reunion with my man. I definitely wasn't looking forward to that. But it looks like I won't have to worry about that. We had an arguement and he left. He moves out at least twice a week. We got into an arguement about this skirt that I had on. He told me I need to change my clothes. I told him he must have lost his dam mind because the last time checked I was grown. So that blew up into something huge. That is so typical of us. One of the guys I talk to at work told me I was wrong and my man had a point. As far as I'm concerned they can both kiss my ass. So anyway we might not speak for a few days which is ok with me because everyone could use a break sometimes. I 'm just really happy I will be missing the reunion because I don't really get down with his family like that anyway. They are not my cup of tea.

A girl got killed the other day in broad day light. It was in the exact same area that my daughter snuck off to to be at a party. I made sure I told her just so she could know how dangerous it was for her to do something that freakin stupid. I heard the girl was shot 5 times in the chest. What type of shit is that?

Why do I feel like the summer is over already? Our weather SUX. It had rained 11 days out of 13. That's the kind of weather that makes you want to kill yourself! I think my dam house is starting to sink. The concrete is starting to feel squishy. I'm serious. By this time last year we were on the go every weekend. We had already done so much, but this year all it keeps doing is raining. It's depressing.

Well that is about it for now. I just wanted to rant and rave a little bit about nothing. Hope everyone has a good weekend!

THE SAGA CONTINUES

2006-06-29T19:34:00.000-07:00

I told yall this little girl is crazy as hell! I let her stay over her girlfriends house on Friday night. I didn't find out until Sunday that the little girl's mom caught her and my daughter walking home from a party about 11:00pm. WTF!! I talked to my daughter about 9:00pm and she said everything was fine and the little girl's mom would be home shortly. So I went about my business. Me and my cousin's and my aunts were all together getting everyone ready for my cousin's wedding. Anyway it wasn't until Sunday that I found out what happened. I was extremely pissed off that I didn't find out until 2 days later. Why wasn't I called immedietely?

I calmly sat my daughter down to talk to her.I asked her what she was thinking? I asked her why would she do something so stupid and so dangerous? She said to me." I didn't call and ask could I go because I figured you would say no, so I just went and I decided to deal with the consequences later. ( I swear to Goodness that is what she said). Before this conversation even started I did promised her that I would not put my hands on her because if I did I honestly do not know what would have happened. I played out the whole scenario in my mind....I would have grabbed her and started beating her down with great force. The more I would have thought about it the harder I would have been beating her up. Then when her body was lifeless, limp and bloody it would have jarred me back to reality, and then I would stop. But OMG!! She is barely breathing and she needs medical attention! I would have taken her to the hospital. She would have been seen immedietly and then there would have been the questions. "Ma'am what exactly happened? You did this to her? Why did you do this to her? Ma'am this is Mrs. blah-blah-blah from social services and she would like to have a word with you. The next thing I know, Dyfuss would have custody of my child. That would have been my consequences if I would have beat the shit out of her like I wanted to.

Question: Have you ever been with a man or a woman who just WILL NOT do right and you try with all your might to just work with them? You continuously give them chance after chance to do the right thing. Then one day they just do something, rather it be big or small but that is just your last straw and instead of you screaming and yelling to get your point across you just remain calm. A certain feeling of CALMNESS comes over you and you know this is your breaking point with that person.

That is how I felt with her. So instead of beating her ass and cussing her out. I went a different route. I went in her room and unplugged the cable box, unplugged the dvd player. I took out her radio. I took her Mp4 player. I called her father and informed him that he WILL NOT see her this summer. I gave him the low-down on what happened, and he was ok with my decision. She can not have phone calls and I made sure that when her friends called I informed them to not call my house until further notice. The ONLY thing she is allowed to do is leave the house for 1 hour for summer school. I drop her off and pick her up so she can't even lolligag around. She has also become Cinderella around my house. Whenever the bathroom or kitchen need to be cleaned she is the one doing it. If the floors need to be vacuumed she is the one doing it. If the dog need to be put outside or fed she is the one doing it. If the pillows on the couch need to be straightened up she is the one doing it. Basically my point is her summer is FUCKED. At least until she gets out of summer school. The last day is July 28th. Depending on how I feel after that I may or may not return her to her regularly scheduled life.

What Am I Going To Do With This Little Girl?

2006-06-17T01:08:00.000-07:00

I looked at my daughter yesterday and realized I want to lock her up until she turns 21. Then I will let her out. No I'm not even joking. If I could actually do it I would. She is 12 and she is going to be something to fuckin' get ready for. Me and my sister always make jokes about her and how she is going to be when she grows up. We both know she is going to give me HELL!

The other day me her and my man went to the movies. She was looking so dam cute it was sickening. *side note*...I'm not one of those parents who swears they have the cutest kid in the world and the kid really isn't cute at all....Anyway she had on a cute little skirt (not too little, I don't play that shit), with a cute top that falls off the shoulders, and a pair of flip-flops. Her hair was pulled back into a clip, with a ponytail and the back part was out. She has shoulder length hair so it looked really cute. She obviously thought she looked cute because she had that swagger in her walk. (yall know what I'm talkin' bout). I wanted to just put her on punishment

Yesterday she was on her way to her grandmom's house and she came in my room to let me know she was leaving. I took one look at her and wanted to make her stay in the house. All she had on was a white T-shirt, blue jean shorts and flip-flops, with a ponytail, and that big bright beautiful smile, and she was georgeous
.

OK, this is the real problem....not only is she cute with a not-so-twelve-year-old body, but she is street smart. She knows how to get the things that she wants. Se is definitely into boys because we have had a couple of incidents. Not anything major, but enough to let me know she is starting to notice them. We actually have this thing we do called "girl talk." That means she can tell me the things that are going on and she can't get into any trouble. I like doing that because it keeps our lines of communication open. It keeps me informed and lets her know that she doesn't have to be afraid to talk to me. So one day we were talking about boys that she likes. She was telling me about a little boy named Arlin. So I remember a week ago she mention another boy's name. When I asked her what happened to the first boy she had the nerve to say, "Mom, that was last week, you need to keep up with me that's over with." I could not beieve she said that. Not only that, but I also asked her if the other boy was cute. You will never guess what she said....She said "He's not really cute but he is real sweet and has personality so that goes a long way." WTF...Please keep in mind this is a 12 year old. That is some shit a grown ass woman would say.

I'm worried because I was only a year older than her when I started having sex. My mom had no idea. I was hot as a fuckin firecracker. I realized at a young age the power a woman has. I know grown woman my age who still don't know, but I was so young when I started and I only dealt with older guys. I was way to experienced before my time. That doesn't mean I was fuckin a whole lot of people. It was quality over quantity. Nonetheless I was still to young to be doing the things I was doing.

I don't want my baby girl to follow in my footsteps. As a parents we always want our kids to be better than us. To not make the mistakes that we made.

I will tell you this...I WILL NOT be oblivious to what is going on. I am way to nosey for something to be going on right under my nose and I don't know. When I came home and told my mom I was pregnant she was absolutely, positively blown away. She had no idea I was having sex. Then again maybe she knew but she wanted to be in denial about it. But I know she had no clue that I had already been sexing for 4 years before I got pregnant. She always thought my baby's daddy was my first one (yeah right).

Reality check

2006-06-13T01:58:00.000-07:00

I work with some of the craziest people in the world. My job is like general hospital mixed with Melrose Place. It is so much drama around here. I freakin' love coming to work. Everyone is coupled up. Men and women have had affairs and left their husbands/wives and fiance's. I know it sounds crazy, but it is so true. For those who don't know, I work in a hospital. It's actually a small hospital but we have big drama. Because I'm such a nosey ass I'm ALWAYS in somebody's business. But the reason I stay out of trouble is because I'm upfront with my nosiness. I go right to the source and ask questions. I don't speculate and talk behind their backs. I wanna get the scoop from the horse's mouth.

Last night I had the pleasure of meeting a new nurse that just started a few weeks ago. She is only 26 years old and her and her man have been together 4 years. I asked her if they lived together she said no. So I started joking with her and asked her what was her secret of keeping him away because I have been with mine for 4 years also and he acts like we just have to live together. She said she stays with him sometimes but not a lot and they have talked about marriage but she's not pressed about it. Now listen, I have a tendency to just blurt things out without really thinking sometimes, but I'm always blurting out what everyone else is thinking but won't say it. So I said he must be cheating on you. Everyone looked at me like I was crazy!They couldn't believe I said that. BUT, everyone was sitting on the edge of their seats listening to our conversation and wondering what her response was going to be, because of course everyone is curious about her because she is the "new girl". So anyway one of the other nurse's asked her if she was religious. Now at first I'm thinking, what the hell does that have to do with anything? ThenI realize where she is going with this...so I asked her is she religious to the point that she is not having sex. She said yes. Ding Ding Ding Ding!! That's why they don't live together because he figures if he can't get some live in coochie why try to get her to move the hell in. But I'll bet he is screwing everything he can. I know that is horible to say but you know it is the truth. Someone tried to convince me that maybe he is also religious and he feels the same way she does. I just find that so hard to believe that a 25 year old man that lives on his own is abstaining from sex.

Earlier tonight I was having a conversation with another nurse and she is about to get married on Saturday. We were talking about love and past relationships. She was telling the story of her baby's daddy. She said she remember when she begged him not to leave her. He was already fuckin some other girl. Her son was a newborn and her parents had pretty much disowned her. She was on her own. Now here it is 7 years later and he still doesn't have anything to do with her and he is still with the same girl he left her for. Now I hate to be mean BUT, the whole time she is telling the story all I could think is....She was the only white girl he had been with and he probably never took her seriously and he wasn't going to loose his family over her. So while she was loving him and being defiant to her parents, because they were racist in the first place( that's not an observation, she actually told me that) . He already was planning his escape. He left her for a black girl and has probably never had another white girl again and probably never will.

Now I don't want to offend anyone but I know a lot of black guys who say he would definitely sleep with a white girl, but he would not bring her home to his mother. I don't really agree with that because I feel like if you can't bring her home, don't even sleep with her.

UNTITLED

2006-06-10T01:09:00.000-07:00

I had so much I wanted to write about now of course nothing comes to mind. EXCEPT....

Last Friday I took my daughter shopping. Nothing major, just a couple pairs of shorts and shirts to match. Then on Saturday I was at the shoe store and I brought her a pair of the cutest flip flops. When I got home later that night I finally picked up the mail. It had been sitting there for 2 days. The first thing I noticed was a letter from my daughter's school. I opened it and it was a notice that she has to attend SUMMER SCHOOL. Not only that, but because she goes to Catholic school I have to pay $40 a week for each class she has to take. What type of shit is that! Luckily she only has 1 class, Language. How the hell is she failing Language? What the hell do you have to do in Language? Anyway needless to say I was beyond pissed because I just went out and spent my hard earned money on her black ass. So I called her girlfriend's cell phone and told her to get home. When she got there I proceded to black out on her ass. I always freak out when she is fucking up in school. So I told her that she can't walk around with new clothes on and her hair all done up all the time thinking she is cute if she really is stupid. She had the nerve to say "why I gotta be stupid"?!?! And she said this as she was walking out of my room and sucking her teeth.

OMG!! I somersulted (did I spell that right) over the bed. I almost got clipped by the ceiling fan. I ran into her room grabbed her by her hair (that's my favorite move since she loves her hair so much), slammed her up against the wall and quickly and painfully beat her the fuck up.

I stepped back calmed myself and went back into my room to get dressed so I could go out.

Monday night me and my man decided to go down Atlantic City so we could do a little gambling. It seems like we did a little gambling and a lot of drinking. Free drinks are a beautiful thing. The funny thing is we swore we was hard core gambling on the dam penny and nickel machine. You should have seen us getting tipsy as hell and chillin' with the old folx, because you know those are the only people that play the dam penny machine. We had so much fun. I lost his money and mine. I know everytime I talk about him I say the same thing, but I'm gonna say it again...I love that negro!

Remember that dude D I was dealing with a few months ago? He called me while I was down AC. I answered the phone. He asked where I was and I told him where I was and who I was with. I can't help it but I love rubbing it in his face that me and my Boo are still together doing our dam thing, because he tried to hate on my baby. That's why I had to leave his ass alone because he couldn't just sit back and play his position. I hate when a dude is acting like a you-know-what!

NO ELECTRICITY...OH HELL NO!!

2006-06-02T02:56:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I woke up and my electricity was OFF. I was pissed as hell. Me and my man was almost stuck together from sweat. It was 95 dam degrees outside and there was no fan or air or anything on. I tried so hard to remain calm, but because I can not and will not hold my tongue I had to black out on him. I told him that he knew he should have been paying the freaking bill and the shit was now high as hell. I told him I didn't give a dam about the money he gave to his mother or his sister. I don't care nothing about who the hell he had to help out with some money for whatever the hell they needed. I told him he eats, sleeps and shits here so he needs to take care of my freakin' house first. I went on and on for a good 20 minutes.

I finally shut up and got dressed and left. When I came home he called and asked me of I had $300.00. Of course I had it. He said he had the other $1300.00 Yeah that's right the freakin bill was $1600.00. Now my entire bill is paid off. I am down to a zero balance. So of course my central air has been running non-stop. Now when I wake up I have no idea how hot it is outside because it is about 70 comfortable degrees in my house.

I really aprreciated what he did but I really expected nothing less. I don't mind acknowledging when he really comes thru for me but I also can't praise him to much, because them he tries to get lazy. I always let him know that even once you conquer one thing there is always something else waiting in the wings that needs to be taken care of.

2006-05-26T01:46:00.001-07:00

Work has been PURE HELL this week. I have one more night to go then I'm off. So Saturday night I plan on being drunk as hell. I'm not sure if I'm going out with my sister or my man. Last Saturday we went to the club together. First we went to this little bar that he frequents it was a nice little spot. I love going out and just people watch. There are some real characters out there. I really HATE to see a female out somewhere and her shit ain't tight. One of the main keys to being a fly girl is knowing what you can and cannot wear. I'm not just saying that because I'm only a size 4. If I was a 14 or a 24 my shit would still be tight. I HATE to see a female in some real cheap ass shoes. That really pisses me off because I have a love affair with shoes. Last but definitely not least. I HATE to see a female with more than one hairsyle going on at the same time. I can't explain but you women know what I mean. When there is so much going on with their hair that you can't even describe the hair-do even if you wanted to.

On the other hand there were a few cuties there that I will give props to. I have no problem what-so-ever giving a woman a compliment if I notice that her shit is tight. That is the kind of shit you can do when you know your shit is right. Yes, I am that conceited. Actually I don't like that word....I'll say confident. I always tell my man that he better hold on to me because I am the best looking thing that he has come across. He agreed with me. He know what the deal is.

Anyway, we left the bar and went to the club. We had a few more drinks and got on the dance floor. I LOVE watching my man dance. He is so sexy, and I equate dancing with sex. I am one of those people who think that if you can't dance you can't make love. How true is that? Anyway I had to drop it like it was hot on his ass. The music was really getting to me and I was feelin' it. He asked me if that's how I dance when I go out with my sister and my girls. Of course I told him no. After that we were ready to get home and finish what we started in the club in the bedroom.

HONESTY

2006-05-22T21:53:00.000-07:00

You wanna know the real reason I started blogging? Because I had 2 journals in my life. The first one was when I was young, a teeneager. My mom and grandmom found it and they were quite upset because in it I expressed how much I hated both of them. What did you expect from a teenage girl? I really thought that was so stupid for them to be upset with me for what I said in MY journal. Those were MY private thoughts and they had no right to invade MY privacy.

The second journal I had recently. About 2 years ago. My man read it and he was pissed off about another man I mentioned and something that we did. (what we did was so good it definitely deserved an entry :-). Anyway me and my man weren't together at the time. I was in a relationship with someone else for 5 months. I couldn't believe he had the audacity to be upset with me over something I did with my "boyfriend" at the time.

After that I decided to never have a jounal again because people are to dam nosey. I know you are probably thinking, would I be nosy enough to read someone else's journal. The answer is NO! My daughter is 12 and she has a diary and I am aware of it and I have come across it several times and I have never read it.

So anyway the reason I started blogging was because I look at it as my on-line journal. I guess that's really what it is. I can say whatever the hell I want to say. I can be honest about what is going on or not going on in my life. I don't even care that perfect stangers are reading it and even commenting on what I'm writing, because no one knows me. All they know about me is what I tell them. So I'm going to really tell a little about myself. Here is some honesty for your ass...

I am what most people would call a BITCH. Let me explain...I am very opinionated about things. I am particular about certain things. I don't let anything go. I hold a grudge like a pit-bull holding a bone. I have a smart ass mouth. But I can be very sophisticated when I'm cussing someone out, and just so you know...I'm usually cussing someone out on a daily basis. It doesn't always have to be vulgar. That's where the sophistication comes in at. People really hate it when you cuss them out in a very calm manner and not use any curse words.

I'm MONEY HUNGRY. I believe that most women are. I just don't mind openly admitting it right off the bat. I work hard and I do the things I want to do. So I don't expect to be with a broke ass man. Once again I'm sure most women are like that. I don't believe I should have to go to work and buss my ass to get the things that I want and I have a trifling ass man at home, and he is not doing something to contribute to the cause. HELL NO! One thing I know is that I will probably miss a chance at true love because of my obsession for money, but I don't care. If I'm going to do everything on my own then I will be on my own. I don't want a man there just to say I have a man. I know plenty of women like that. I know some of then pity me because they think that I'll never be truely happy if all I care about is money. I pity them because if you only have love without finance the dam mortgage can not get paid.

I am very GIVING, but I am also very SELFISH. Let me explain...I will do whatever for those I love but I won't over-extend myself. I know some people who will go above and beyond the call of duty to make someone else happy at the expense of their own happiness. HELL NO! The only person I would go above and beyond the call of duty for is my child.

Speaking of my child..I am a WONDERFUL mother. That is one of the things I do not hesitate to brag about. We have a great relationship I am aware of her strengths and shortcomings. I nuture her stengths and work on her shortcomings. No matter what I do out in the streets I try to always maintain a stable household. I am very involved with what's going on in school. I know and have developed a relationship with all of her friends. I give her space but not to much because after all she is only 12 and Lawd know I remember how much of a hot ass I was at 12. That's why I try to stay aware of what's going on with her at all times. I know that sounds basic. These things are just what comes naturally when you are a parent, but unfortunately that is not true. As sad as it is, I know plenty of women who are to busy running behind a man and are ignoring their children.

Last but not least I am EVIL as hell. You probably already figured that out from when I said I was a bitch. I am spiteful and I believe in getting revenge on someone. It's not something that I am proud of but that's me. I know two wrongs don't make it right but it makes it even. That's my motto.

So that's a little about me and I might sound like a bad person but I can't be that bad because for some strange reason people are drawn to me and they love me to death.

Dear Diary

2006-05-18T01:57:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was one of the best days I have had in a long time. I worked the night before so I was sleep all day. When I woke up late in the afternoon there was a stanger in my house. He was in the kitchen fixing a whole I have had in the ceiling for forever. My man told me he had someone to fix it. He even talked to him about remodeling the whole kitchen. He said he can and will do it for us soon. I was extremely happy to hear that. While we were chillin' we heard the ice cream man coming down our street. My man asked my daughter to get him an ice cream cone. I went outsie to stop him, but he didn't hear me calling him and he kept going. When I came in the house I told my man that I couldn't catch him. So he said I should get in the car and track him down. So I said let's go. We jumped in the car and went to find him. Believe it or not we could not find him. We had the windows rolled down and we were listening out for his music and I thought I heard it but we still had no luck. All I had on was a tank top, pajama pants and sweatsocks. It was too funny. When we got back home my daughter said thanks for leaving me here with the stranger in the kitchen, for all I know he could have been a mass murderer. Me and my man just fell out laughing!

After the guy was done with the kitchen my man told me to get dressed so we could go to the movies. We went to see Poseidon. It was really good. We both enjoyed it. Whenever I choose the movie it's always a good choice. On the way home from the movies he suggested that we go to the bar and have a drink. So we went home so I could throw on some shoes and get just a little cuter. It was karaoke night and I was expecting to see someone there that I didn't want to see. As soon as we got there she was the very first person he saw. It was Val. For those who have followed my blog or those who know me you know who Val is. If you don't know who she is I'll tell you. She is one of his ex's. She was quite upset when we got back together. She tried to harass us but that bullshit was nipped in the bud quick. So there she was sitting there in all her ugliness. Let me explain. I am not one of those girls to hate on ANYONE. I will be the first one to give a girl props if she is cute or if she is sharp and she keeps her shit together. Even if you are not a cute girl I still have positive things to say. BUT if you are an ugly girl who thinks you are the shit, that's when I got something to say. Val is one of those girls, or should I say one of those women. She is older than me and him, but by the way she acts you wouldn't believe it. I used to be very sypathetic towards her, but she couldn't handle what was going on and she started acting real crazy so I am now like, to hell with her.

Me and my man was in the cut just chillin', and enjoying the atmosphere. We had a few drinks then I ordered some food. We waited for that to get done then we were ready to go. As we were leaving the guy behind the bar said something to my man. He said Boss that's why you are the man and he looked at me and winked and gave him the thumbs up. You know that was a compliment towards me. Boss grabbed my hand and kissed it, then we walked out. All that happened right in front of Val. She just turned around and shook her head. Once again don't get me wrong I'm not petty like that at all, but like I said she started the bullshit.

I love being buzzed when I'm with my man. I feel so safe with him. When we got home we sat in the car for a while and talked about what is going on in our relationship. We were talking about how we wouldn't have a problem with other women and men hatin' on us if we would just stop bringing other people into our equation. We really do want this to be our last time, because no matter what we just keep getting back together. Once we were done talking about how much we loved each other we went in the house and expressed that love. You know drunk sex is off the hook. We wore each other out. I didn't wake up the next day until 2:30 in the afternoon. When I woke up he was laying right next to me sleeping just as hard. I love that man!

Can't Wait Until It Gets HOT!

2006-05-12T23:08:00.000-07:00

I am getting ready for the summer,and my man is mad! We got into a huge argument the other day. He was pissed off a few days ago because he was complaining that I never cook any more. He wants to know why can't he get a home cooked meal, but I'm always asking for money so I can go shopping or whatever. One day I needed money to get my nails, toes and eyebrows done. Two days later I was in the shoe store tryin' on shoes. He happened to call me at that time and I asked him if I buy these shoes will you give me my money back. He said yes, but I could definitely hear the irritation in his voice. Not to mention I got my hair braided 4 days ago. Yes, he paid for that too. A few weeks ago I got my bellybutton pierced and that caused mad tension. He was so pissed off. How dare I go to a tattoo place and get something done other than get his name tattooed on me. He got my name tattooed on him last July. Ever since then he has been waiting for me to return the favor. I can honestly say I am not planning on getting his name on me. I'm not going to lie, I love laying on his chest and seeing my name. I really like it because he has no other tattoos just that one so it stands out.

Anyway aside from beautifying myself to get ready for the summer I'm also about to get a new car. Do you remember the horror stories about my car? Well my brother had told me before he left for Iraq that if I gave him six months he would send me money for a down payment for a new car. About a month ago he sent me $4,000. So I guess I'll go car shopping soon. I'm also about to get some work done on my house. A few weeks ago we painted my daughter's room so now I feel like I want to paint the rest of the house. I'm also going to do some major yard work.

I'm going to take some real estate classes soon. Ever since I brought my house 4 years ago I've always wanted to get into real estate. I'm a procrastinator. I hate that but better late than never.

Now all I have to do is get rid of my man and I will be officially ready to start my summer. I know that sounds crazy but I always seem to catch the fever this time of year. I didn't realize it until he bought it to my attention that we usually don't spend the summer together, because I catch the fever and get rid of him so I can enjoy my summer. I figure if that's what I've been doing all this time I need not break tradition.

It's been a while but I'm back.

2006-04-27T20:35:00.001-07:00

I was just going to start blogging like everything was everything, but I know I have to mention the fact that I haven't blogged in about a freakin month! I Honestly still don't feel like really posting anything significant, but I feel like if I don't break the silence and say something my blog priviledges will be forever revoked. The crazy thing is that so much drama has happened within this last month. I don't even know if I can give you a quick briefing, but I will try.

When we last spoke I was dealing with some new dude and my boyfriend of 100 years. Ok so it hasn't been a hundred years because that is impossible, but I swear it seems like we have been together forever and a freakin day. Anyway I am happy to report that me and my man are right back together. Shit finally hit the fan when I stayed out all night with my dude. Then my man decided to make shit official with the girl he had been seeing. That only lasted 2 days. He came back to me and she was devastated. She actually came around my house and thought she was going to get that negro out of my bed and get him to come with her. YEAH RIGHT!! She actually had the nerve to tell me not to call him baby because he is not my man. She was too pissed off when I told him to look her in her face and tell her the shit was over and done with them and to go about her business. I know it was blowing her mind because I never ever got upset. I stayed calm and I let her know that I had complete control of the situation. She had walked around my house so she told him to walk her to the corner. He looked at me and told me he was going to walk her to the corner. I so calmly said you are not going anywhere, and he looked at her and told her he wasn't walking her anywhere and she had to go. Then he walked right past her and came in the house. That shit was classic!

Meanwhile I told my dude I was getting back with my man and he was hating hard as hell. I am so glad that I never let that negro come to my house. He made it his business to find out who my man was, which I'm really surprised he didn't already know who he was because everyone knows him. Then everytime he called me he was telling me about some chick that my man was "supposed" to be talking to. But the funny thing was he could never give me a name or anything concrete about some shit he "supposedly" heard about him. I told him to stop acting like a bitch ass. That was some petty shit I expected from a woman, but apparently men hate just like women do. Whatever.

I went on a class trip with my daughter and her school to the zoo. I really enjoyed myself. That is until my child had to be the little ghetto girl, acting like she has no home training. She got into an arguement with some little girl there. I think the little girl was there with another school. My daughter really had no real reason to be argueing with this little girl. She just had to be in something that wasn't her business. She actually stood there and argued with her like I wasn't even there. She didn't use any profanity or anything like that. At first I just let them go at it. I just wanted to see how long my daughter was going to keep it up. I did that because I see how my daughter is a totally different person when she gets into her element and she is around her friends. It trips me out sometimes. Do you ever actually sit back and watch these kids these days? They are a freakin' trip! They act like they are so dam grown. Anyway I finally stepped in and told her to shut her mouth. I will be very honest, if we were there by ourselves I would of let her dust the little dirty girl off. I know that is wrong but that little girl was talkin' a whole lot of shit and I know my child. She would of beat the shit out of her. Don't get me wrong I'm not bragging about that, but I know my child. Please don't get the wrong impression because I do not condone her fighting but she is quick tempered, and she is quick to fight someone.

Anyway I'm just getting my household back in order. Me and my man are back together. We are really trying to put things back together and things have been good. I'm about to take some real estate classes and he is going to really hold things down while I focus on that. All in all I am happy about the way things turned out.

Decisions,Decisions

2006-03-20T01:36:00.000-08:00

They say if you love something you gotta let it go...And if it comes back then it means so much more...And if it never does then at least you will know that it was something you had to go thru to grow....

How true is that? We always let each other go, and some way we always find our way right back to each other. It wouldn't be so bad if there weren't other people involved. He always gets another girlfriend or friend or whatever the hell she is and I always do the same. And for some reason these people are always really into us but we can't get to into them because we are to busy chasing each other. It's really a crazy situation and we realize what we are doing and we really want to stop hurting these other people, but we can't help it. I really thought it was over this time. But in reality what would make this time any different from any other time. Last time I was with someone for 5 months. He was actually living with someone else. I don't even remember how the hell we got back together but somehow we did. I found a reason to leave my other man alone and he just packed up and left the girl he was living with. She was and still is devastated over that. That's why she harrasses us every chance she gets. You know how women are. Men will get over it and keep it moving. Not women they hold grudges like a pit-bull with a freakin' bone. Anyway what it all boiled down to was I left my man because he wasn't Boss. (I love that negro). How can I not? He knows exactly what appeals to me.M-O-N-E-Y.

I must have already been looking for a reason to put some distance between me and my dude. He did something on Mon. and I stopped speaking to him for days. He was blowing up my phone, but I was already chillin' with Boss. Now he has moved back in with me. But we are not officially together. He just needs a place to stay until he gets himself together. (yeah right) I know him, he is taking advantage of this opportunity to do whatever it takes to put us back together. One thing I really liike about him is he doesn't care about the next dude. Feel me? He knows I still semi deal with the other dude. but that doesn't concern him because he knows he is going to have me all to himself soon. He just handles his business and let the chips fall into place. Come on now, you gotta love that type of shit. Meanwhile this other dude is complaining and whining about him being back at my house with me. Me and D.(that's what i'll call him) were never officially together so I feel like whatever happens happens. He has the option to walk away right now if the shit isn't sitting to well with him. (which I know it's not).

On the other hand. I really do like D., and as long as he is going to deal with me I'm going to deal with him. At least until I decide that I'm going to make shit official with my man again. I know this all sounds real crazy and comfusing, but welcome to my world. So I kinda feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Me and D were really working toward something. We really do have strong feelings for each other, but me and Boss got time in. We have invested a lot in each other. It's hard to walk away from 4 years especially when you have been thru hell and high water together. We have passion. It is so serious.

On another note kinda off the subject........I have been knowing D. for a long time. Our families are close with one another. Anyway back in the day about 6 or 7 years ago I used to chill with a girl that he was with. We had a little crew it was about 5 of us that were always together and as a matter of fact she lived in the same apt. complex I lived in. Anyway I haven't seem this girl in years. They were dealing with eath other for a real long time probably 5 years on and off. She would always creep with him even when she had a man. Now at this point they haven't really been together in almost a year but they do still talk and keep in touch. So he had told me he wanted to tell her about us becauce it is just commom courtesy between ex-lovers. I definitely understood that because i'm sure if she was dealing with someone that he used to be boyz with he would not want to hear about it in the streets especially because they still keep in touch. Anyway, as you can probably imagine she is now "THE MAD RAPPER." He said she went on and on for at least 45 minutes about how I am such a whore, and how could he even think about messing with someone like me. She said he must be in a drought to deal with me. She said how can you go from someone like me to someone like her. So they were in an arguement. When it all boiled down he said there isn't anything that you can say that can change the way I feel about her. So she was hot. I told him that from now on she is going to be relentless in her pursuit to get him in bed. He didn't believe me (men are so naiive sometimes) Needless to say she is calling him ALL THE TIME now. She calls for the stupidest shit(I really hate women). So the other day she was "in the neighborhood"(yeah right) so she called and asked if he was busy and could she stop by. He said yeah. He said no sooner than she got in the door she started with the smart comments about me and him. He finally told her that he didn't want to hear anything else about it because she is making herself look stupid. She keeps saying that she doesn't care and she is not jealous but it is apparent that she does care and she is quite jealous. He told her that I never speak a bad word about her and she shouldn't say anything negative about me. Well that shit went in one ear and out the other. She is still currently holding the heavy weight championship title as "THE MAD RAPPER."

TALKIN' ABOUT NUFFIN'

2006-03-11T02:12:00.000-08:00

I am really tired so bare with me right now. I felt like I had to post something new so here it is, although I don't really know what the hell I'm posting about. I'm basically trying to kill some time while I'm at work. I have less than 2 hours to go. I feel like I'm going to fall out from sleep deprivation. No seriously, I am extremely sleep deprived right about now. I have been working 12 hour shifts all week long. I have 1 more night to go. Night shift is no freakin' joke. Your body will shut the hell down if you do not get the proper sleep. Today when I go home I'm going to make a real effort to go to sleep instead of finding something else to do like clean up my room or vacuum the floors or wash and deep condition my hair. I am my own hairdresser. My sister colored my hair about 3 or 4 weeks ago. The color is absolutely off the hook. It matches my skin complexion so nicely. I have gotten so many compliments on it. But as we women all know, tampering with your hair always comes with a price. So now I have to take extra special care of it because I had some breakage. But needless to say it is still flowing because I have been really taking care of it. I can't wait until my perm wears out so I can get micro-braids.

This might be TMI (to much information), but I have on THE cutest underwear. I usually wear thongs all the time but I'm learning that there are other alternatives to sexy underwear. They are Calvin Klein boyshorts. They are so freakin' cute. I felt compelled to buy new underwear not because I needed them but because when you have a new man in you life it makes you want to buy new clothes and especially new underwear. Ya feel me ladies? So I purchased a few intimate apparel items today.

I also got a cell phone today. I haven't had a cell since about 2001. I know most of yall are thinking like how could I have functioned without a cell phone? My answer to that is, EASY. I hated when I had a phone and people are always calling and asking where are you? What are you doing? Who are you with? Are you close by? Can I get a favor? One your way over can you pick up....? DAM...Then if you don't pick up the phone you are constantly coming up with lame excuses why you didn't pick up the phone. Like..I left the phone in the car and I was in the store, or I had the music blastin' in the car and I didn't hear it. It was on vibrate and I didn't hear it. I heard it ringing but I couldn't find it. I don't feel like explaining to people why I'm ignoring their dam calls. Now, on the other hand if you only have a house phone you can simply say I wasn't home. How simple is that. But seriously I only got a phone for emergencies. I felt like that was a good enough reason to step back into the millenium.(haha)

Why am I such an airhead that I lost my dam keys in the mall today. The funny thing was that I actually had my spare car key in my pocket. I usually never have that key on me. How did that happen? I did call the information booth when I got to work and they did have them. I had checked before I left but they weren't turned in yet. Of course my house key was lost too. But I wasn't worried about it because my little cousin down the street from me has keys to the house and I figured she could just let me in. Why did I go down there and ask her to let me in the house and she told me she can't find her keys either. She lost them 2 days ago. I was like WTF!! But because she is a career criminal she was able to easily break in the house. So now I'm using my spare car keys and my ex-boyfriends keys, that are now my extra pair of keys.

Well that's it, I'm done with the meaningless babble......Hope you're having a good weekend.